To Divorce Or Not To..

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@swan02 , a lot of practical and first hand advice in your post.. not to hijack this thread, but a genuine question as i am in a similiar situation .Biologically and the way humans are evolved, sexually men are the pursuers and women are the responders. While these roles can be interchanged as a relationship grows, is it possible in a relationship that a woman is always initiating? Doesnt it kill her interest. ? And if she is turned off by her husbands unmanliness how can she be interested, leave alone making her husband interested as well.. if something takes so much effort, is there any joy to be found in it?

 

Dear OP,
You are a mature adult and you have got all the advices from supporting your decision for Man2 and against your decision of leaving Man1 + kid.
I went through all the posts and the reply given by @swan02 is so far the most genuine one which will help you in the long run if you pay heed to it.

I'm also married woman. I can understand your point.
I'll give here my personal life details jut so you could analyse the situation in your life.
Initially I was like your husband (lets do role reversal).
Initial days, just like any man, my husband wanted sex but I would just cooperate with him but never enjoy it. I never initiated sex. Never touched him seductively.
He was (like you) tiredof initiating everytime and felt I do not love him (though I very much do, just that I was not that crazy about sex).
I never felt the need to "do it" but my DH wanted to "do it" more frequently.
After few months of marriage, I felt we are emotionally drifting apart due to intimacy mis match.
We had our share of fights, IL dramas (nothing related to intimacy) which kept me away from physically being turned on for sex. This caused more emotional distancing from DH as we didnt feel connected.

Let me tell you- cravingfor physical touch and sex is very important in marriage. It soothes the soul and makes you feel wanted and loved. So sex is not just physical deed but it connects you to your partner at a deeper level.

I realised this and strted to initiate physical intimacy. I started by sudden small kisses to him and all to turn him on. He was obviously elated and so we came closer not only just physically but emotionally too.

Your issues-
1) NO frequent SEX- yes I know how it is not just sex but that feeling of loved and wanted ... but you have had sex with DH initial days and you have a son. So it is not that your DH can't perform.

As many said, your Man1 has responsibilityof being your husband and being a father to fulfil which he works day in day out so that he gives you both a secure life.
Your Man2 is definitely not a good human because no man who really is good hearted would try to break a marriage and have affair with married woman.
Okay let's assume he genuinely loves you. So you will leave Man1 and marry Man2. Your Man2 will give you bestest sex in bed and pamper you with compliments and gifts and dinners.

Let's go fast forward to few years...say 2020. Your Man2 may or.maynot still sexually satisfy you but all those compliments on ur mehendi etc etc will now be a thing of passè. As the marriage stabilizes, couple becomes comfortable with each other and so those lovey dovey things dont happen as it happens in dating pwriod. You will feel guilty for leaving Man1. You will constantly compare Man1 to Man2 and it will lead to fights with Man2.

Chances are that Man2 may look out for woman2 as a man who can have affair with married woman can indulge in affairs outside marriage too.

 

Wow nice reply @swan02 and pinky2cute I was moved by your incite full reply and it is a great advice for long term and yes Shreema86 I am also in the same situation my husband is a workaholic so he even does not care about me and does only his work all the time and it has been just over 1 year of marriage
It has been awhile since I saw such active post on such a new post

 

Your second issue:
2) YOUR DH DOESN'T KNOW TO TOUCH/INITIATE SEX:

Okay, I know how if only one person initiates all the times, they feel that the other one is not interested. But it is not always true! I gave you my example. I too didn't knew how to touch to turn my DH on nor I initiated sex.

From your posts, you seem to be a more hopeless romantic type of person while your DH seems unexpressive of his emotions.
For solving sex issues, you first need to connect emotionally with him.
Husbands usually don't always compliment wives or show love in words. Even in love marriages, as boyfriends they may shower gfs with gifts compliments and lovey fovey talks but when they get married, they get responsibilities of being the husband, the provider....their love remains same but way of showing will change.
Like before marriage guy may say wow " you look sexy " when u dress up for him.
After few yrs of marriage to the same guy, he may not say the same lines when you dress up for him. It doesn't mean he lost interest in you. It's just that it is given that u look great for him whether u dress up sexily or even if u r in ur pjs and hair tied up.
He knows you are his.
His love will be depicted in his gestures like - when you are sick, he will care for you, he works hard to give u a comfortable life.

So please, come out of your infatuation with Man2 and start working on your issue with Man1 and save your marriage before its too late.

Perhaps when he is in good mood, sit with him and accept your mistake of affair with man2. Tell him in genuine tone that you want to give this marriage a try and want his help. Tell him that you crave for his love though you know he loves you.

Ask him if anything turns him off about you so that you cn work on it.
Maybe you can download some english romantic movies( with lot of sex scenes) and cuddle up with him in bed and watch together. Let him see how the hero in the movie touches the woman and subtly hint him that "see how they are making out passionately... does it turn you on?".

Once you emotionally connect with your husband, he will also try to come around and reciprocate it.

Trust me and please try this. And yes, don't trust your Man2 or you will be landing into a big trouble in future from where you cant comeout.
Repair your marriage now when you still have the chance.

 

Hi dear. Even I'm narried over a year and even my husband doesn't express love much but we know we love each other. Initially i had high expectations that he would pamper me, compliment me, gift me surprizes etc but nothing happened. Only it lead to me getting disappointrd. So now I learned to pamper myself and love myself. I don't expect anything from him. So when he himself gives me a compliment (which is rare) i would be happy.

 

Dear @pinky2cute I know it may sound weird but I find hard believing that a man who has been cheated by his wife for a period of time will forgive her and try to work on his marriage as I have not seen a Indian man to get over with his inner burning desire of haterade towards his wife so easily.
Yay same I thought also like that but still waiting for my first real activity with my husband and all he does is work 24/7 in his mind
Sorry for rambling first think in the morning

 

Forget the OP....A whole bunch of other IL'ites reading that, are going to do just that tomorrow night. 8 rounds, of happy wrestling. Those unsuspecting fellows who already know how undeserving they are to have such an exciting intimate life, are going to be even more shocked and thrilled by the new aggression.

 

Dear Nonya you write such analogy which is hard to understand so next time give us a explanation as you write below it

 

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