Regain Love And Respect In Marriage

somam16 · Dec 1, 2016

Hi everyone,

I have been married for last 11 years and have a kid 8yrs old. My husband is extremely stubborn person (typical Taurean) and tries to control every situation. He is otherwise generous and loving but whenever we have a fight he stops talking to me for weeks together and prefers to linger the bitterness as long as possible. He is short tempered and if we argue over something and I try to explain my point he puts the entire blame on my shoulder for everything even if he is responsible to start the fight. He would not accept his fault under any circumstances and tries to establish what he feels is correct by yelling, name calling and insulting me. I am pissed off with this controlling attitude of him in which I feel I do not get the adequate respect that I am supposed to get as his wife. The more I have given in to his stubbornness and arrogance for the sake of peace in our relationship the more he becomes adamant in putting up his point. I am losing my confidence slowly because of his bullying me in this manner but I am fed up of his silent treatment for weeks together and demeaning me in every respect possible. He expects me to do all household chores including teaching my daughter, cooking, washing, everything. He hardly helps saying that he is stressed out and tired after coming back from office and also gets irritated easily if I ask him to do the basic things for himself like taking plates for dinner or teaching my kid. I have learnt over the years that there is no point in arguing with him as it is difficult to communicate freely or express my problems to him. I get exhausted and then if I protest our fight starts. We had a fight 3 weeks back and it is still continuing. He is not talking to me and this time even I am trying hard to be strong on my side but I can hardly see any improvement in his attitude. I am stressed out so much but do not know what to do. My kid is also suffering but whenever I tried to make him realize the impact of our turmoil he has been more arrogant and have put the entire blame on my shoulder. I don't want divorce for the sake of my kid but at times find it very difficult to adjust with his temperament. His dominating attitude humiliates me so much that I feel treated like a doormat. Me and my kid both are depressed because of this environment.
He forgets all our good times so easily during our fight, I feel shattered and heartbroken. I am clueless how to make him realize his mistakes and also get treated respectfully from him. Please advice.

Thanks,
Piyali

kcb · Dec 1, 2016

Dear OP,

11 years is a long period. If you were not able to change his attitude during this period, how can you change him now? Instead of thinking about changing him, you work on yourself and try to become strong.

Explain to him (if he is ready to listen), how the kid is getting affected because of the friction between you both.
Avoid arguments / discussions with him.
Keep yourself busy with some good hobbies, if you are currently not working.
Concentrate on your health & build your confidence levels.
Make yourself strong/confident & try to ignore him.
If he cannot respect you, then try to learn to treat him as a room mate instead of a soul mate.
Stop thinking about him, and think more about you & the kid.

dnormx01 · Dec 1, 2016

Try to ignore his silent treatment, OP. Coz you react, he's over acting. Let him be. Don't care at all. Sing and play with your kid, chat with relatives and friends and be yourself. There's no way you can change him all of a sudden. One of my uncles is just like your husband. Initially aunt struggled, later she tried to make grandma speak sense to him, then she started this ignoring thing. He used to get more irritating and would prolong for a month and all when she began this ignoring thing. She didn't budge too. She would say, so your silent days have begun, enjoy your silience and go off visiting her mom, sisters etc.

Slowly over the years he mellowed down. She keeps joking and calling him moun swamiji.

I wouldn't suggest you take it that far as the kid would get further affected. But do practice to ignore it. And teach your kid also not to worry much when daddy goes silent.

SaiChitra · Dec 1, 2016

Hi dear friend,

Every word you have said is very true in my life also.My husband acts same as your husband.I have been married since 10 years and have a daughter of 8 years feel bad thinking I was not able to change his behaviour. Many a times I feel like divorce him and run away fro all this .
As I am working will spend most of the time in office.Make yourself busy
and leave hopes from him anymore .
Thats what we can do I believe.

deeprapriya · Dec 1, 2016

OP,

I have gone through the same.... Though I am less experienced, being 5+ years in this married like, try if the below works....

I will not take any situation to argument, I will try my level best to not to take..... Even if any argument comes, I will leave that place, at the second statement itself, which will show him am not interested in any argument.... But I make sure that, I will express my thoughts in a polite manner.... sometimes whenever I leave quiet when he shouts/argues, he realizes later.... and he doesnt accept directly that what he did is wrong directly... that day he will call me from office 2 - 3 times.... what to do, its all poor ego... why some men hold that much ego against wife, I dont know...if thats not the case life will be much better.....

When I am silent, he will come and talk at times....at times, he will not bother to talk also..... those cases, I will go down and talk...what to do its all life....somehow managing....

But I will telll his mistakes when he is good mood in a very polite and soft way.....

PoornimaMohan · Dec 1, 2016

Sorry sister I'm not a married girl .But I just wants to give you a simple advice if your husband blames you for his wrong doings please don't ever argue with him whatever he just wants to talk u just let him to do he doesn't speaks to you for weeks but for this time u please don't argue or talk with him u just be with your work and take care of your child because she is the only supportive one for you please try it for sometime whenever he fights automatically he will change himself don't worry for this I will pray to god so that everything in your life will get normal

SaiChitra · Dec 1, 2016

I have tried all ways
Letting him know when he was in good mood
Not to argue
Keeping silent for a day or two

At the end of everything he has never come and talk with me.If I need my family I have to compromise and talk always .
Although after that also he will drag it for a day or two saying it was my mistake he dont want to talk with me.
Fed up of all this but no other go ..
Life is going on ....

PoornimaMohan · Dec 1, 2016

Then leave it sister , mostly gens are like this only,you just live for your child ,I hate men. I don't even want to marry

somam16 · Dec 2, 2016

Dear Friends,
Thank you so much for all your responses. I feel relieved to some extent knowing that at least you all understood my problem. Saichitra, very sorry to know about your status.
I tried politely explaining him many times about the repercussions of his behavior on our child and married life but he seems to be ignorant about all that. He would put the blame on my shoulder for every single argument that we had and would start with his silent treatment, humiliation etc. He simply doesn't want to accept his faults. He would irritate me saying something against me and then again the same situation arises. I believe he likes dominating and controlling me. I was working before but during that time also I had to manage both household chores and my work along with my daughter. I was expected to manage all my responsibilities at home and work together equally. none of my services are valued or appreciated. I am trying to keep myself busy in self improvement, reading books, teaching my daughter etc but even then the thought of finding solution for our broken relationship keeps haunting me time and again. I still wonder how some men are so fond of their wives and some men are so arrogant and dominating. He doesn't have any friend and probably that is why he is so critical. He prefers to always sit on laptop for work or else watch I pad or I phone instead of spending quality time with his daughter.
I think there is no one who can change him except himself if he wants to.

somam16 · Dec 2, 2016

kcb said: ↑

Dear OP,

11 years is a long period. If you were not able to change his attitude during this period, how can you change him now? Instead of thinking about changing him, you work on yourself and try to become strong.

Explain to him (if he is ready to listen), how the kid is getting affected because of the friction between you both.
Avoid arguments / discussions with him.
Keep yourself busy with some good hobbies, if you are currently not working.
Concentrate on your health & build your confidence levels.
Make yourself strong/confident & try to ignore him.
If he cannot respect you, then try to learn to treat him as a room mate instead of a soul mate.
Stop thinking about him, and think more about you & the kid.
Click to expand...

Thanks Pratyusha for such encouraging words.