Need Suggestions. Is This Married Life Normal ?

Wow @pinky2cute quick work finding that thread !

 

Two threads both first posts...identical stories..does not happen people ... when has ur story matched ur hubbys version ...not once in my decade + marriage.
Happy Thanksgiving!

 

speedvinzz,
So be it if he spends and lives life the way he wants it. It looks like he never ever did anything for himself, this may just be a phase. These habits may not be related to your issues in marriage, maybe this is just about him. Do not give importance to the negatives, give importance to the positives he is still doing for you.

He can never undo what he knows about your past. Its unrealistic to expect him to change after 4 years when you are not willing to change. What doesn't work between you both and leads to a misunderstanding, keep it aside for now - like having kids. Keep kids out of this issue.

Confront him and ask him what he wants to do in this marriage. If you both want to part ways, try counselling first. If you both want to stay put, discuss openly about both of your wants and needs, meet in the middle.

 

Facts can match....perspectives / opinions may not. I do hope that OP is not the wife the other thread was refering to. If she is, my sympathies are with her for her husband's harsh words about his life, about her & their marriage.

 

you have cheated on guy.You should have told him that you have past before marrying him.Or atlist after marriage.You again cheated on him by staying in contact with your Ex after marriage.
Why did not you deleted your intimate conversations and pics atlist?
You have given this guy very deep wound.

Apologize apologize till he takes it.You do not have a choice but be extremely good wife basically kiss his ass till forgives you.Say him sorry daily.Beg him to give you chance to show him you can be better wife.

 

Or it is the husband himself wanting to vent again.

 

I felt same as you. let's see the Op's response ....

 

Assuming you are a genuine poster, my advice to you is to first stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes , big and small. It doesn't matter how deep a hole we dig for ourselves we all have the opportunity to climb out of it. Your sense of guilt Is making you incapable of dealing with this situation well. Your husband seems to be unable to accept your past well but I think he still wants this marriage to work so I think a bit of distance will help heal or else it will give you more clarity . Assuming you don't have a job first work on that. Stay apart for sometime and see if your husband values you and misses you.

 

Not probable just based on OP's statements. The Op has asked for suggestions that are focussed on her - i.e how to cope with no support from parents. How to cope with her husband etc. She also seems to want to hold on as she feels her husband is good at heart. If it were the husband impersonating his wife I think such statements would be unnecessary. Also if you observe the pattern of writing, definitely female. (Yes there are software tools that can detect if the writer is male or female as each gender has a unique writing style.)

 

Not sure whether the other poster is OP's husband or not.
My guess is that the husband is trying here the wife's version too.

Nevertheless, if this is a genuine case, it is horrible from the man's POV.
He has always been a nice guy, who followed the orthodox life style all his life. He even went on the arranged route for marriage, hoping thinks like past relationship, physical affair etc..etc.. would be discussed prior to the marriage.
The courting period and the time between engagement to the marriage is meant to understand and accept each other.
If they feel they are not compatible in any manner, they are free to call off the marriage.

But the OP purposely hided everything about her past. She is educated, and probably had an understanding about how orthodox men in India expect their wife to be.
It is cheating.

OP had an affair just before her marriage, and the guy is still in depressed state due to this. But OP was able to enjoy her engagement and initial days of marriage as if she has no past baggage. It is strange, and it shows how careless she is about the emotions of her ex lover and husband.

Even though people say it is normal now a days, it is not normal.

I did not blame OP's past affair. It is quite common. But she must have revealed it to her would be husband before they commit with each other.
Since she is an Indian, who has married to an orthodox Indian guy, she can't apply western standards here.

She again cheated her husband by keeping in touch with her ex, that too through a different e-mail ID behind her husband's back.
Is this the favor she does to her loving and other wise great husband after marriage?

How on earth this man could ever trust his wife?

I understand his POV here too. The mental agony, the frustration, the trauma and the cultural barriers he goes through after knowing all these is horrible.
He must be fed up of leading a decent/disciplined life so far. All these while he lived a decent life only to be cheated? Is it normal to feel lost.
That's why he is living a care free life.
I don't think he is considering this relationship as a marriage anymore. Even though he wouldn't dare to go to the divorce route fearing parents, society etc.
That's why he is not committing with kids.
He, himself is not living as he lived before. Him, being irresponsible with his own life is a sign of how much he hates life.
So, it is a best decision not to have kids in this marriage.

OP, you can chose to put up everything and lead a lifeless marriage with this man for the society.
Or you can make a choice to legally separate and lead a life as per your own taste.
But don't try to bring kids now.