Dancing In The Rain... Handling Myself In A Conflict

Dear MindVoice,

That's a very important question & interestingly, we all are searching for an answer. I guess its too hard to be that way or say you cannot be that way with everyone (Cool types). Especially your loved ones. We tend to be reactive.

I would still share my way of dealing with this situation. I let go the smaller issues but not without a response. My response is equally balanced in humor/sarcasm & msg conveyed. I do this not to satisfy my ego but I know holding on to it inside will built more congestion inside. So I give it back right then & there.

Bigger issues needs time to be analyzed. Mistakes are made by all of us & knowing my flaws I usually take more time. At least 2 days to interpret the situation from every aspect, then bring out pointers on what irritated me, reasons for my action, my expectations, outcome we learn with this situation. If I feel I have been too hard, I also apologize. At the time I make sure I receive apology too. That way its balanced.

I know we cant always deal with things in a planned way. some situations demand your reaction then & there. But I have realized that being reactive, only burns you not the opposite person. Happiness is always within, keep yourself well, dress up for yourself, eat healthy, spend time on things you love. Meet & spend time with your girl friends. Play with your kids, Do everything that makes you happy.

We all have different emotional needs. One person cannot fulfill all those needs. So seek that contentment from everywhere starting with yourself. You will not reach there immediately but with time things will ease out & you will find peace.

My best wishes

#BeingSoulful

 

@MindVoice- I was re-reading this thread today... as @gueshoo has given such valuable advice, I was thinking of adapting it more... then I started to realize that my DH and I are still a young couple--

At every stage of a relationship, we have to change for our partners and it occurred to me. As my DH and I are still a young couple (3 years into marriage) things like communicating or understand is really meant takes awhile.

The another thing I noted in my relationship is - my DH is very observant of me and my behavior than I was of his. Initial months of marriage was quite a struggle coz I didn't know what to expect. Later I picked it up too.. I started to observe my DH's behavior. What his weakness are and what his strengths are.

I encourage you to observe your DH. I am assuming your DH knows you don't like silent treatment and you will talk to him or engage with him when he gives you the treatment. Either learn not to react to his treatment or learn his weakness and use it for your benefit.

Try to talk, communicate like how his family does.
This is one more thing I saw- when my family is around- the way we talk our thinking is very very different than my DH and his family. It was a struggle for my DH to understand my family and same way for me. So if you want your DH and you to be on the same page- try to observe how or what he is used to.

The another thing in my relationship is my DH love loves to talk. If someone got off the podium and given a chance for my DH. He will occupy and talk until everyone in the audience walks away. His non-stop talking attitude keeps us more communicating. Otherwise, I am on the lazy side of expressing everything I feel or I think.

Don't make the "talk" a chore. Don't say like"let's talk" it sometimes scares people. I hate it when my DH says "lets talk" because my mom used to use this phrase and it brings back some strong memory of either being disciplined or given a lecture. Just have a talk and in the end say that how serious this topic is to you. Maybe it will help.

Try to do one activity with your Dh, this will help you and him to have strong relationship. Before the baby, my DH and I were big time foodies. We either cooked or went out often. With baby we hate to go out coz we end up feeling more stressed with DS crying. We exercise together ( me not as constant as he does, but one thing I really appreciate is my DH pushes me- he reminds me everyday- lets exercises. If I join him late he doesn't fuss) trust me to get him not to fuss has taken life time worth of conversations. Whenever he used to fuss- that I am late to working out- I just tell him right there that why I am late or what I was actually doing ( cooking for DS/ my DH lunch) these things should be told then and there- otherwise I would resent him for not understanding me ( even with doing so much work)or him feeling I am lazy.

Just talk, don't bother if your DH isn't listening. If you are expecting a specific time to sit and talk, or let your DH be worry free to talk- that will never happen or dont be afraid that his morning will be wasted if you talk. You should value your thoughts first then your DH will value it coz he sees you valuing it and talking about it.

 

I agree. Marriage is a bigger deal for a women; our life in a flip side. It’s too hard when you have a spouse who doesn’t understand, who isn’t there for you. I would like to share my observation about men in general. Not that they are no emotional, but they are always told not to be emotional and “be a MAN” – “I hate this”. More than often, they don’t express their love (apart from few strong men). They easily express their anger/attitude/Ego. Women are stronger to express everything they feel at a same level – Love/Anger/Anything.

I have been in your situation. Trust me when you rebel and think you are standing up for yourself, it’s mostly taken as being arrogant, rude and things. I am sure you don’t mean that but lack of communication can just build more heat. I would simply ask you to “TALK”. Keep your thoughts, expectations transparent with him. Communication is the key.

You never know if he also feels the same way. Make your effort to keep all the bitterness aside and communicate with open heart & only love.

My best wishes always!

 

Wow such a lovely thought and maintaining the relationship. After reading through posts I learn couple of new vocabulary words. Read IL posts which would give a person lotsa info free instead being on social media !

 

after reading through your posts I feel I am not matured enough to answer this. you girls awesome in dealing with DH. my DH is good he likes to what I want , love affection.but no responsibilities. the grass on other side is always greener. not sure if the MEN also face this problems.

All I can say keep urself busy , idle mind is devil's workshop . you have a kid take care of her. This is what I do . staying abroad cant express to family or friends. involve in bringing up the kid and getting busy in work . in fact all the while i was not giving much importance to my things as in hobbies though i was doing what I love ( shopping ) , after reading through IL posts and suggestions stand up for yourself . show men that you are not dependent on them and not seeking love and affection . its human nature that when the person knows that other person is seeking something from them, they do not give much importance to them. rather when they know the other person is not seeking then they start giving.

I would say you are awesome in handling it and you can do it..loads of hugs to you dear MindVoice

 

@MindVoice you have opened a great thread here.

I just needed something like this. Things have become very frustrating for me these days on the DH front. DH is affectionate, but somehow I am never happy with the way we both converse. He is very busy with work even when he is home. But what worries me is the fact that I am more happy and peaceful these days when he is at work. After so many years of telling him how I would like him to deal with things I feel he has become like a zombie, very artificial. I can see he is trying or so he says, but he just does not get it. We never have a decent conversation (where we can sink into the bliss of each others' company, ok I know this is too much to ask). He always looks made up in his talks. He would come to me and say "Okay, so the next 30 minutes are exclusively for you. Now you talk and I listen". He thinks he is doing a great gesture by saying so, but even then he would pretend to care and to listen, but nothing is natural. He could do the same thing for 30 minutes more spontaneously than to come and declare something like that, and then still the way he would listen or talk would all be so not natural. He would blabber something senseless in response or say something inappropriate to the situation. Its way too irritating. I dont know how to express my point here and I am not sure either if you would get what I am trying to say. Its a different thing that he is in a way dumb and silly. His talks are stereotyped and monotonous, limited to just a few topics. And every discussion has to get into an argumentative mode. He just does not know how to discuss anything. Even if he would agree to some plain statement I say it would be like "Yeah.... but the thing is......". I dont even feel like talking to him or sharing anything with him anymore.

We are constantly fighting, mostly me coz I am the one complaining all the time. It may sound like I am very demanding, but I am not. All I am asking is for a normal conversation. I am very adjusting with everyone around me. I understand everyone and put myself in others' shoes before saying anything. But with my DH, I just cannot tolerate these days. The bitter feeling that we are just not made for each other, kills me day in and day out. My patience is so drained out. I have now started venting out to some of close friends. I look for other avenues in the form of friends to make up for this lack of conversation. It pains when I see married couples (not newly) hanging out in parks or walk along chatting away to glory for hours together.

All that said, I must also say that DH is the one who comes and consoles me everytime.. albeit late. He always claims his undying love for me and I have no doubt about that. He also tries to be romantic, but it is all filmy if you know what I mean. What is the use of textbook love when there is no ease of regular day to day conversations.

I don't even think I have conveyed half of what I feel. This is just one of the issues I have with him and deeper than what I could manage to express. Sorry for the long rant.

EDIT- I am sorry I think I have hijacked your thread by telling about my issues and not infact providing suggestions for your own issues. Pardon me.