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How To Handle Living Abroad In Family Difficult Times ?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ssg, Nov 22, 2016.

  1. ssg

    ssg Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks so much beautifulllife30. I hope and wish god atleast hears your prayers and shows some mercy on our family.
    you are right, i need to talk to my brother alone and maids to lock their mouths.
    the other day i called and my mom says that our maid was crying badly seeing our situation and feels me or sister should come stay for some months and get my brother married.
    i said brother cannot marry until 1 yr and you need now. so we should come atleast for few yrs.

    when i look at my own house, kids, all our stuff, our cars, i get scared how am i gonna sell all our house stuff and go India.

     
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  2. ssg

    ssg Bronze IL'ite

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    blindpup10,
    Not now but from years ,,,when me and my sister are there we cook and do all the work, inside and outside.
    From morning 7 am the trash wala, dudh wala, bisleri guy keeps coming, we take stuff and give money to them. me and my sister are so active and do lot of house work fast and handle things. i cook all healthy diets, pasta etc also which my mom brother and dad used to like. i used to get groceries also from outside.
    and the things like some bank stuff, my mom passport or her visa.
    getting furniture which are useful for them at home. health checkups to parents.
    any pujas that need to be done.
    so it is like my parents and brother will be in hibernation for 6 months, we go for few weeks keep 1 day for each work and finish them and come. On one side my mom will be feeling bad to make us do things and other side she will be getting irritated why we came for 2 or 3 weeks.

    my friends go India put on weight and come. Past like 6 yrs my india trips, i will go loose lot of weight and come back.

    In last 1 yr , i went 3 times to India, last yr dec trip when my dad was perfectly fine. at that time only i told mom that she need to take care of health, she had no energy to do anything. so much fatigue. it was her bad food habits and carelessness which caused her more weekness.
    my brother also gets stuff home but he is not completely 100% responsible in house matters and main reason is my mom. My dad used to get all things at home until 6 months back and maids. my mom dint tell him and expects me and my sister to do things.

     
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  3. ssg

    ssg Bronze IL'ite

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    @justanothergirl,

    Very good question. I love my country and dream about moving to India.
    I feel am not able to live this life of talking on phones to mom and she doesnt follow any of those.
    Now she is so desperate, so i wanted to move and see.
    I thought few yrs in India wont hurt my kids and husband or my career. we can still do jobs.

    But i dont have that much financial savings or support from husband to do so.
    I can only achieve if there is 100% support from my husband, coz his financial support and physical support is required otherwise i cannot achieve.
    I spoke to my inlaws and they said its good we try coming to India, my husband created big fight and scolded them and also me.


     
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  4. ssg

    ssg Bronze IL'ite

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    My mom says in all houses daughters are taking care of parents now a days. so she expects me and my sister to do. so its basically her thinking and relatives 50% say that and 50% say married girls shouldnt even stay like this.
    There are some of my aunts who came and literally scolded my mom saying why she bothering me and my sister. they said you cannot expect them to stay for months to be with you. etc.

    then there is my mom's brother wife, she takes care of her parents completely. she visits them everyday and gives food to old parents. she moved from US to INdia and my mom tells me only abt her. she keeps telling my mom, for me money or my kids are not important but my parents are important, she keeps asking my mom when me and my sister are coming.

    One day my uncle talked and told me that my aunt never wanted to move INdia but it was his decision and also that my aunt doesnt get along with her father. so i told mom she is telling you against us, truly she is not doing as much we doing for you.
    mom was quiet which means she doenst agree
     
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  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel your mother is depressed/have anxiety attack, did you already take her to any doctor or without taking her discussed all to a concerned doctor about how she is feeling or doing and talking.

    How was she when your father was there, was she happy and content and responsible type person? or Your father used to take care of everything, and now she feels helpless?

    How is her general health? if not so strong that also makes a person helpless.

    so many people/relatives are also influencing your mother, if you or sister go there and start living in a house close to her, what more help can you do? I think you are doing everything. You can list the things in a paper and see how you can accomplish that from where you live now,

    You will be more busier than in abroad, if you move to India, with all chores and jobs and commuting. And as your H is completely against to suddenly rock the boat and completely settling for few years in India, I think you should drop that thought mostly, as you don't want to rock something which is settled already.

    As the problem is not you living in abroad as your relatives and maids saying, and you going and live in India, the problem is not solved. She really wants attachment, she can come to your place for few months and see how it goes.

    But if kids and H can manage by themselves in abroad, visit India often, and sometimes your sister.

    Is your brother living in the same city? It doesn't matter if he is separated from wife or not to take his mothers responsibility more, if he genuinely want to help his mother. I feel both are separate things, sorry as I don't know much his situation. Your brother saying "house will spoiled", what about your all H and Kids settled lives, that is more important than a "house".

    I think you all are doing what needs to be done, but at the receiving end mom is not at all seeing all this, feeling helpless, she needs to be courageous, and see what she can do to live more actively and do some hobbies, it is tough to loose a partner but as psychologist say after certain period our mind/mechanism recovers and able to function Okay. Please consider taking her to psychologist/counselor. And keep her away from those relatives who are making her weak.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2016
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please don't say this- this is the very line which made me come back to write here again.
    Sorry to be blunt in this post-- I deeply apologize ahead if I may come across as rude.
    I was pointed out this is a statement from your mother- although I wrote this post thinking its from you. I have heard this statement... Just didn't place it. After being pointed out- I realized it was from my mom. My mom had used the same phrase..."after the last rights everyone just left and shut their house door".

    This phrase invoked a response without realizing its not from you. But I stand by everything that I have said. Educated, uneducated doesn't matter the feeling, emotions that everyone goes through is beyond how much wealth, education, children that we have. I hope you take some of the suggestion give to you by IL's



    I stood right where you are standing right now. I feel your pain. But I and not any one can take your pain or heal it. I know that's not what you are asking- you are asking validation from IL to give up US lifestyle to go back to India.

    I can understand that nobody is giving you that validation- because nobody has done it or think it's the daughter's duty. More than anyone's "duty" please take a min and walk in my train of thoughts--- your mother should really stand up, become confident and say I will lead my life. Think about it- If she doesn't make up her mind ( she may just peril in depression) you and your sister are in a sort encouraging this to continue. The depression at that age will not be easy, she may become heartbroken and worse I am very sorry to say this- you may just succumb to losing her.

    The way I see it coz my mother walked in the same path of refusing to come to the US and finally when she came- the relief in herself that she found. Is why I am seriously suggesting that your mother should be around families, children in a new place. She should see everyone are waking up, going to work, children going to school- this routine in others people life, which may kindle a feeling that "I should kickstart my life". "I have been stuck", "I still need to live my life- for my daughter's, for my grandchildren". This only happens when she feels loved, welcomed, new place. I insist on the new place- because the house in which she lived with your father has so many memories which may not let your mother walk out of it that easily.

    If you and your family go live with her- its not going to be easy for your mother- firstly she has to adjust to you, your husband and your child. She may feel that you are not giving 100% attention to her.

    You being married are in a different stage of life. Your mother who has walked the same path- may or may not understand the sacrifice that you did by giving up and packing your family to stay with her. The whole family adjusting to a new place- will take some time. Sometimes parents may not be willing to see beyond their emotions. Right now your mother is depressed and she is not able to see how yours or your sister marriage will be affected if you guys are pitching and live with her for 2 to 3 years. She will see it if she steps out of the depressed feeling.

    Lets take maybe your family will not find it that difficult to adjust or when they eventually adjust everything is settled- Won't feel bad to uproot your entire family again to the US? Won't you feel bad for leaving your mother alone? Isn't it like a mirage for your mother- that she had a glimpse of happiness and won't she beg for you to stay with her in India. If she isn't able to handle being alone now- after she had 2 to 3 years of a family fulfilled life- won't she struggle more to get adjusted to living alone?


    Why is your mother not able to come out the thoughts that her daughters should stay with her?- You have said that your uncle's daughter came back to take care of them, your maids and brother constantly want you to be there.
    First let me tell you this- You and your family is not your uncle's daughter's family, according to you- your husband made a fuss with his parents and to you too. Are you willing to challenge your relationship with your husband and do this for your parent?
    How supportive will you be if your husband does the same to his parents?

    You managing house before marriage is validated, even the feeling of your mother feeling guilty of feeling bad when you are in India to help her out during your short trips.

    My question is will you be able to give that 100% attention and care that you could before marriage to your parent?

    I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings- that was not my intention. I remember you said your mother is uneducated- Sorry even uneducated women can lead an independent life, there is no age limit to have an open mind and say I will deal with everything.
    For bank and application purpose,your brother should be able to do that.
    You really should encourage your mother to first get out of depression, if she isn't social- you should help her make friends- even if she goes for a walk or yoga class women around her age isn't hard to find.
    You should give her the courage to make that change not become an enabler.
    For now- make plans to visit with your sister. Both of you go at the same time.
    Pack her bags and just bring her to the US. That is for your to work out- everyone has suggested this. I can't insist enough on changing her place.
    The next phase has some time off from work and spend time with her in the US, take her for long walks, talk to her. If you are living in Indian communities- you may meet Indian parents going for a walk in the park. You make friends with them and tell them to tag along with your mother.
    Your mother seems like have led a sheltered life- she has to feel confident to come out of it.

    When she goes back to India- please go with her, make her go to walks, temple, samaja, other religious organizations which have older women participants.

    You dont have to follow what I have said.. consider this as somone who went throught the same things and how the situation is manageable.
    Please understand from other peoples perspective. You may not follow what I have said- but please take any suggestion which is given to you and it will only work if you understand what we are saying.


    Goodluck :thumbup:
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2016
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  7. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    this feeling is her mothers, not OPs feeling.
     
  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Aye aye aye!! I really got confused. Now I am wondering should I delete the post.
     
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  9. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow SSG ..you and ur sister are wonderful daughters .. you are doing as much as you can.. dont fall for the words of maids and relatives. They serve no good. Once you are back in India, the same people will say opposite things. You have a family in US which clean seem reasonable to be uprooted suddenly. See if u can bring ur mom and brother to US. Both need a change. Or send them on a religious trip so eager just to stay away from the current situation and have a break.
     
  10. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

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    Best thread and best reply.
     
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