1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Am I guilty? :( :(

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by hima09, Aug 16, 2008.

  1. hima09

    hima09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all,
    I have a loooong story for u guys!
    In the end jus tel me if I'm wrong :(
    I'm married for almost a year now. arranged marriage.
    My husband did his masters and is working in the US.
    When he married me I was working in a very good position in a very good company back in India
    Due to the marriage I had to resign my job and also cudn't get an work permit.
    BEFORE MARRIAGE:
    1. my parents went to c them for the first time.
    they said no dowry... v don do it
    it is horrible
    but u take up the entire marriage expenses
    my father agreed.
    2. my in laws wer in the feeling tht I would work in the US, will get a work permit(v tried even b4 my marriage... in fact my husband did... since he wanted me to b an independadnt woman).
    ------------so now v got the result tht i didn't get the work permit for some reason---------------- now the turn of events
    3. I took a long leave from my job, and was helping my parents in my marriage arrangements
    In between I had to go my in laws place for marriage shopping.
    In between the shopping they met me in a mall(coincidence) and tht time i had some rashes on my face due to the heat and water in tht place
    and i had also put on some weight after the engagement.
    my in laws said they wud come to c me off at the airport.
    I was soo happy that they wer so concerned abt me.
    to the airport none of my relatives also came, so i thot it was so thoughtful of them to come.
    they came and my fil asked me to come to a corner and asked me wht is the soap i use and do i do skipping
    i felt like the whole world spinning around
    it was 'coz of my face rashes.... i felt so so so bad
    and even felt like crying
    i told my mom and she said it is ok jus consider him as ur father... he is asking out of concern
    4. then v went to get my marriage saree. they called us to come to their place to buy the saree
    and whn i reached thr... my parents called them and said she is coming to their place to give money for my husband's clothes.
    whn they reached my ILs place, they had already bot my marriage sari.
    my mom felt sooo sad... 'coz i was talking to her the entire time abt the colors tht i wud go for.
    she came bac home and she said this... i felt so dejected
    and my ILs agreed they wil buy 2 marriage sarees (moharath and welcoming).
    i felt ok they r still thotful.
    so v took one saree, bot it from a shop, and went for lunch
    v bot them lunch too
    nex v went to another shop to take the second saree
    my mil was like y another saree
    so my mom said it the welcoming one... and my mil acted so so weird saying tht v can't do this
    wht do u think of urself... if v don say anythng u think u can do anythng and all stuff in front of the shop keeper.
    one of my aunty asked them then y did u say 2 sarees... v cud hav jus taken one and v cud hav left
    y did u insist in one more. they didn't wan2 talk and v left the place
    my mom said it is ok... may b v r wrong... i still accepted it
    5. my husband said he wil do all my work permits' requirements stuff b4 marriage. whn my fil came to know of tht he immediately called my mom and said u hav to take the tickets to US and also buy all her household things
    atleast my dad was stubborn and he said he wil not... and it is the duty of the husband to do it
    2 weeks b4 this hap... my husband told me in one of our calls tht he has sent money to his dad to buy the tickets and i wil fly along with him back to the US
    so this news really shocked me and my mom
    i was confused as to if my husband was playing from bhind
    but i still oved him and was jus praying tht it shdn't b true
    6. rite after the marriage ceremony... in the marriage hall his dad fought so so badly with my dad asking for more and more money
    and he accused tht my dad lied saying tht he wud give.
    and my ILs even din let me hav my first lunch after marriage with my husband
    i even din know y my husband didn't willingly come to me
    I WAS SO SO confused.
    ----------------------------------next turn of events-------------------------
    i hav very very clever aunties
    they told me... u shd not b innocent like ur mom.. thinking everyone is good and everythng is good
    b confident... he is all urs now and only urs
    take him.... nvr leave
    i decided i wil not let them do anythng more... tht wil affect my life
    i went straight into the lunch hall and found my husband eating lunch with his parents
    i gav him a surprised look and he was like whaaaat... i said smilingly waat? u din cal me ... c im soooo hungry im damn starving and u r eating happily
    and he was like oh sorry sorry... i totally forgot come eat with me
    but their was no place nex t ohim
    i said i don want and he felt sooo bad he got up from his place and told the ppl to put a separate table for the 2 of us... JUS THE 2 of US.
    and my aunty said this is ur first win.
    but all this time i was thinking tht only my husband thru his parents asked money to parents
    for my tickets, furnishing and all
    i reached US along with my husband.. in 10 days
    my feeling abt him continued... i was confused
    i thot he did my work permit thinking tht i wil earn and help him
    v reached the apt. he asked me to close my eys..... and u know wht i saw.............
    he had furnished the entire apt... kitchen, bedroom, living room, dining, even restroom
    i hugged him with all tears in my eyes and told him the truth tht i thot differently abt him
    he said I know and smiled and kissed me
    he had bot them looon back
    and said he loves me more than anythng in this world... i stil am not working... and im carrying and nvr has he complained once
    from tht day onwards i truly and deary loved my husband and he too does the same
    bot of us know the bad moments btw our parents after marriage and wud nvr talk abt it since it was an issue tht was over
    but i cudn't forget the way my dad and my mom cried whn my fil was accusing
    then they called one day and said the yr coming to the states and wil b with us for 5 months
    i told my mom and she said forget all the past and think of only the good things
    'coz of them u hav such a wonderful husband
    yes she was right!
    they came i took care of them so well.. i asked my hus wht they like and cooked all tht
    they came in a weekend
    on monday after my hus left for work
    they both started accusing my family... like 16 of u from ur family jus barged into out house
    is this the way u come to a house the first time and all stuff.
    i was like v don hav 16 ppl in our family
    and my fil said take a paper and pen il say u write the names
    i said forget it and asked them to eat
    he too left it thr
    i kept quiet
    then again after a couple of days my mil started the same topic... they do this whn my husband leaves for work
    tht time i was like ENOUGH... i have to not keep quiet anymore
    and i politely asked her... aunty who r the 16 ppl who came... she din hav an answer
    i again asked and she named them and thr wer only 5 ppl... and the rest 11 wer all my fil's bros and their wives
    and i put a concluding statement.... so totally thr wer 16 and from my family 5 correct?
    she didn't wan2 answer tht.... from tht day they play very very safe with me
    but stil try all ways to start up a fight btw me and my husband
    they hav to talk abt my cousins, my sisters etc etc
    once i talked to my husband abt this and he told his dad not to talk the way he did (luckily for me my fil lost his control on a day whn my husband was at home)
    tht was it... they both got a feeling tht my husband supports me a lot
    y don they understand tht i have only him and no one else?
    then came my announcement tht im pregnant
    2 days my ILs did all the work and was so so caring
    the third day they started showing their true colors
    once my husband left for work... they wud put up a long face whn they cook and all
    i felt uncomfortable and told them that i wan2 do it... else i feel really bored
    at this time im craving for a lot of goodies
    i want to eat so many things
    once i asked my husband for a dish and he told his mom wud make it awesome and he asked my mil to make it
    she was so very angry with my husband... and made it in the end.... and it didn't taste good at all
    i told my husband it is good and i ate it
    After reading all this u guys wud b confused as to know what is it i need :)
    I couldn't forget they way they talk to my parents, the way they treat me whn my husband is not home, and their lies.
    i jus can't b with them
    im feeling so damn frustrated
    this frustration is 'coz i don talk much to them for fear my fil wud start up a conversation jus to pull down my family
    and i don wan2 fight for tht
    they are leaving in another 1.5 months or so... but my only worry....was i wrong?
    it is jus that im feeling very insecure whn i talk to them
    'coz always their target is my family
    so i try avoiding them totally
    answer for wht they ask thts all
    pls advice me... i am not a bad girl... i love to make lots of frns and i don like to bhave this way to elders
    infact im from a joint family.
    but their attitude doesn't let me go near them
    Pls help me from my guilty feeling.
     
    Loading...

  2. anukvs

    anukvs Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Hima,

    First, let me congraulate you on your pregnancy.

    Secondly, thanks your stars for having a understanding / helpful husband. Most of us go through/have gone through the issues that you have mentioned.

    Do not corrupt your mind with all the bad things/past things that bother you. (Your mind/happiness is what will reflect on your baby). So put all that behind. Easier said than done. But build the right perspectives.. it is just another 1.5 months. you have already completed the major portion of 3.5 months. So just be cool.. limit your conversations and enjoy your pregnancy.

    I am sure.. there would be others here in IL, who would give you the right perspective and advise.

    anu
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,508
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hima,
    Congrats on your pregnancy. Enjoy this time. These are the precious moments you will cherish later.
    Reading your post gave me a sense of deja vu. I am also married to my husband 6 yrs back.My husband did his masters here in US and started working here. In a matter of 2 weeks he had seen me ,got engaged and we were married too. After seeing me and agreeing to me next I met him in my engagement. My parents as a marriage custom gave him money to buy clothes for engagement and told them its a practice in our family for the future bride and groom to select engagement clothes and marriage clothes,jewels together. My in laws point blank ignored the fact and sent him to buy clothes for engagement with his sister.They also bought the engagement saree together for me. In our caste its a practice to buy a very nice saree for the engagement But my saree was horrible and I have not worn it after my engagement.It still brings tears to my eyes remembering my engagement.

    After my marriage my FIL in my first trip to India commented to my mom that I had put on weight and was suggesting I see a dietician.Witsend.I was under lot of stress here becoz of my husband job situation and our own relationship problems.I came back and told my husband I dont like such talk from my FIL. My husband is similar to yours and lets me defend myself to my in laws.He got the message and told me I am free to defend myself to my FIL.

    After that my FIL accused me of not working nor studying but freeloading off my husband. I defended myself and last week my husband supported me to my FIL.

    The point of mentioning all this is its common for in laws to throw accusations on DIL and do something downright awful which we remember forever. But we both are lucky in some way to get husbands who can let us defend ourselves or stand support for us.So do not worry and enjoy this time with your husband.There is a saying in my language if we win our husbands trust and heart ,we win over the whole world.
    Take care
    Chocolate
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2008
    1 person likes this.
  4. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    hi Hima, yes i also want to let you know like Chocolater did that even though life is tough at least your husb lets you defend yourself and maybe even takes your sides sometimes when it comes to his family....Marriage is not about sides but some people make it that way....My husb never supports me even when soooo much is said...he tells me that i did things to desevre this treatment by his entire family...whenever something new comes up, he says that i take it the wrong way( he ALWAYS points the blame on me....), or he makes excuses for his family.....So many women are in similar boat......it;s nice to talk here
    sash
     
  5. hima09

    hima09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    thanku chocolate and sash!
    i used to feel very bad and guilty smtimes the way i bhave... but their bhaviour is becoming intolerable
    thinking of the fact tht they wil leave in a month relieves me a lot.

    Now I have started talking to my baby :)
    Yes my husband supports me a lot... but u nvr know... no child wil give up his parents for anyone's sake
    so i shdn't create a hitch in him too. so being very careful

    sash... u can make ur husband support u...
    though im bad in handling such in laws, i can give u some tips on how to win ur husband
    :goodidea:
    u know i keep remembering the first day v said hello... first time he said he loves me... our engagement date , etc etc
    and all those days i celebrate... i make some sweets or il give him a card :gift
    u know the 100th day of my wedding i gave my hubby i bot a cake 2 cut
    he din remember at all... tht is whr u win :2thumbsup:

    try these... love him like thr is no end to it... but truly :kiss
     
  6. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    112
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi, Hima09

    Thats a good advice where you are trying to gain your hubby's confidence.
    Even I used to remember the first day when he proposed me , our first kiss, his b'day and many more things and used to cook something that he savours, or gift him etc....

    But I always found that he enjoys that moment and very nicely forgets by the next day. And none of these things can make him realize my situation infront of his parents/sisters. He never realizes the truth about the behavior that I get from his parents. My MIL is very cunning and she sends her son out of the scenario very conveniently and starts showing her true colors to me. With all my best practices, I cant make my hubby realize this and confront them in my favor atleast once.

    Do you have any advice on this??? I would really advice for the same as your husband's support can make you rule the world.
     
  7. hima09

    hima09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    Don't worry if ur husband forgets wht u did.
    Don't expect anything from him... i know it is difficult... but with time he will understand.

    Yes my ILs also do the same.
    they act differently depending on my hubby's presence.
    u can nvr change them... they r like tht
    but u can chenge urself.... don pay heed to wht they say. jus ignore!
    take wht is good for u and jus ignore wht is not.
    jus think tht she is not talking to u. I do tht.
    though my hubby supports me thr r times whn he ignores wht i say.
    But... but u shd not leave ur confidence. Love him truly.
    U'll get fed up whn u don get anythng in return.
    keep telling ur hubby, in ur IL's absense, how gr8 she is! bonk
    keep supporting them... u don hav to praise them in their presence
    always hav a smiling face :lol: ALWAYS!
    Kya karen... karna padtha hai!!!!Witsend

    But if ur ILs try to b oversmart.. thr is nothing wrong in telling them tht they r wrong
    do not tel them "U R WRONG!" .... instead tel them they r not correct!

    if u read my above story u can c in how many situations i had to do this

    i hate to live this kind of a false image
    but the ppl around u wud nvr let u live truly.

    According to me, if a girl behaves wierd in a ILs place, it is not problem with the way she was brought up, but the way the ILs treat her.
    only if u recieve respect can u feel like giving it

    so don worry dear!
    everythng is gonna b fine.
     

Share This Page