I Am Tired Of This Marriage

Are you financially independent? Do you have a good support structure so childcare doesn't become a problem? Would you be able to split marital assets fairly where you live, so that you and your child can continue to be comfortable? What state will you be in if your husband doesn't pay child support/ alimony?

Let your husband know that you are not happy in this marriage and that you would like to bring it back on track by going for some counselling. Do NOT elaborate on his short comings when you say this. You can discuss details if he agrees to come to the counsellor. If he refuses to come, you go anyway to figure out your options.

A good way of communicating it is to put it down on the computer and edit it until you have got the tone right. You could state each issue and what it does to you in your head or how it impacts your child negatively. Take situations that have bothered you the most and say how better you wish he'd reacted so that it didn't hurt you. Don't be accusatory but just let him know how it kills the relationship.

In case you are not working, find a job. Start becoming stable on your own. That might jolt him awake...

 

I don't know why everybody always advices the woman to make adjustments when she makes a cry for help and when it's clear that the man could be at fault too ?

Anyway, this statement (quoted) from your post stood out for me. It's a big indicator of how disappointed you are. It's one thing when a woman says doesn't love her husband anymore. But to say that she doesn't like him anymore..that's saying a lot. It means she's really fed up and put off by him as a person not just as a partner. I frankly don't believe that vacation getaways, hormonal adjustments or positive thinking is going to fix the real issue you have on hand with him. It's a much more deeper issue and I believe the real solution may emerge when you communicate openly with him about your grievances, and very importantly he is able to listen to you fully with an open heart and mind, acknowledging your issue and makes some effort to improve things from his side.

I would recommend that you look up guideline 11 in the book "Too good to stay, too bad to leave". You'll get what I'm saying.
Maybe the book and suggestion above may help.

 

Seeing your last post sweetheart, you need therapy. Not art of living or any such. In the long run, finding a good therapist and counsellor will help you far more than lifestyle changes. I speak from experience of self and people close to me, plus i have family who find solace in and are active members of different schools of yoga, meditation etc. Including the one you mention. And yet, I still suggest therapy in your case so you can first start figuring out what makes you happy - its not about your parents or husband or child. It's first about you. Once you feel stronger by yourself, these other things may help enhance your life. Not until then.

You need to take a hard look at yourself and figure out how to become stronger so you can get what you want out of life. Check out cognitive behavioural therapy - lots of online courses are available. Some free. You need to persevere there preferably with a therapist or counsellor by your side.

Yes it's great for your child to have a sibling yada yada but the timing couldn't be more wrong. If you don't like your husband, if he is wringing you our emotionally, the last thing you ought to do is have another baby with him. Until you are in a happier place, it is wrong on so many levels. And unfair to the baby, your child and you. Take action now first - you will still have fertility on your side for another 10 years.

So, I urge you to do what you need to do to sort yourself out. It is not easy but take small steps and it will snowball until you can bring forth the change. Good luck

 

Yet again you seem to be missing the point. You seem to acknowledge that until the basic issue in your marriage is fixed you are unlikely to feel better about your husband or this marriage. Yet, you come short of actually communicating the issue to him effectively. Instead you boil down your choices as "ignore him" or "develop a thick skin" (accept) !

How about a 3rd option where you communicate your problem to him clearly without getting intimidated ? If you feel that you lack the skills to communicate without getting anxious then it is high time that you learn & develop it. If it helps you to know, you are not alone in having this issue. A lot of people have trouble expressing clearly what's bothering them & handling hot conversations.It is an essential life skill that will help you even in your interactions at work & socially. Yes, you can learn it even if what you believe about yourself is true - that you are intrinsically an easily-anxious person.

What you need is to learn how to stand up for yourself without buckling under anxiety when you are met with counter assertions in an argument or conversation. I sense a lot of self blame - almost like you believe your inability to manage your stress & intrinsic anxious personality is the real problem. I am trying to tell you that it isn't that. I am telling you that your husband has to make changes and you need to only learn how to talk so that he listens, you are heard and you don't have a meltdown in the process.

Time won't solve the problem automatically. Nor will more Yoga or Art of Living or more vacations because this is not a stress management issue. It is a communication issue. And just talking "a lot" doesn't equate to "communication". Communication is saying what needs to be said, in the way it has be said, staying in control of the message without devolving into self blame, without trying to restore the peace by apologizing for even making the point in the first place or having an anxious response.

You could meet a professional therapist who can teach you these skills & I see you both needing them. Your part is to learn how to get your point across more assertively, without feeling intimidated, without giving up or giving in to the stress or letting your anxiety take over. He needs to learn how to listen to you better and not be dismissive when you express your issues.

Even if he refuses to join, why not help yourself by meeting with a therapist yourself and learning the skills that you need ? You will still be able to effect change.

One good book I would recommend for you is "Crucial Conversations". It has been a game changer for a lot of people and I think you would benefit from it if you are able to apply it.

Sorry for being repetitive on the topic of communication (ironic!) - but hoping you get the message I am putting across.

 

Stay strong... Maybe it's a phase but how about counselling?? Or hypnosis because there are deep rooted issues even we don't know we have and it works wonders . Just stay calm and think it out without the negative just for a little while and figure out maybe there's so much work pressure and the new competing in life with this whole world and maybe ur hubby is trying to cope with that unknowingly. I don't justify his doings but get help and see the difference plz hang in there.

 

Yet the same woman who wrote that is also trying to have another child with him through ivf (for whatever reason.)

There is no bigger emotional investment in life than consciously trying to make a child with someone.

 

@yellowmango it's not surprising to me though. Just based on OPs conflict avoiding personality, traditional mindset, given that her marriage is otherwise functional, and because she feels he's not a bad guy at the core I dont think the OP is seriously considering divorce. Plus many women even in unstable marriages plan 2nd child with the same man so that all kids share the same paternity. Also OP is an only child herself. So her reproductive goals i.e having a 2nd child probably take precedence over her marital woes.

 

I feel she is not done with this guy .....emotionally.
When you deeply dislike someone ,you don't want to do stuff with him in bed......don't want his child in you.

 

OP.....Sit down and first think things over.
Your husband is extremely busy with work. I don't know what kind of work he does...but does he have the option of being less busy without it effecting his position at work.
Some fields require that kind of routine.
Some people are not very efficient and need to put in harder at work.May be he is one of those guys.

As for not being able to take care of a three year old.If he is so busy...he probably doesn't know how to handle him at this stage. Get him to interact with the child at times where he can manage. Get him to read your son's favorite bedtime story at night.

On a sunday...get them to play something or let them watch some funny movie.
Even if it doesn't work right now...it does not mean it will never work.I was better with my daughters when they were younger...but now that they are grown up...my husband deals with them much better than me.

As for sex...try letting him know what you want gently in words or action . Some times men need to be told. Who knows he might be relieved to get a shortcut to making you happy in bed. Watch some interesting stuff(not shocking) sitting next to him...get him interested in watching.Who knows...something like this might help.It still might not be what you want...but he might want to try at least.

For the rest...try counseling.....even if it is just for yourself.
You could get him to talk to you about what he wants in this marriage from you. You could try telling him what you want.

Even if he is not keen...you can do this exercise yourself.
Write down the things 1) you love about him,2)things you don't but can live with and then3) stuff that is driving you nuts.
Concentrate on the first,ignore the second and work towards improving the third bit.

Similarly ....look at yourself,what can you do to improve things.Look at your weaknesses too.

Op...it still looks good enough to work on.....

Plan a baby when you stop 'disliking' him .
Cheers Op.....Hope things work out for you.