Troubled Marriage-please Help-am Literally Dying Every Moment

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Dear,
It's your life , you have to take decisions . You have in laws for looking after u r child. So you must convince your husband that you need to work . Putting ur child in play school will be a good idea because child can mingle with other of same age.

 

Dear Kris98,
Here all are asking you to look for a job, but...I am asking you is it possible for you to join a job? will they allow you to go for a job?

why I am asking this means....if you start this job hunt boldly, it may turn negative against you. So Think that.

Coming to your issue.

you are clearly telling that your husband is a mom's son even after ten years of marriage and neglecting you completely.

If this is correct means ... no need to go for a marriage counsel or no need to change your husband's mentality.
The main problem is with you. Yes!!! absolutely. Man mentality is very week and very fast attractive towards women. Even after marriage, he is spending time with his mom means you are not attracting him in the correct way.

Don't be so normal every day. Try to be as much attractive as possible. He should make time possible to spend with you.

If you get done this ...you will reach your life.

Before marriage, every girl makes herself attractive but, after marriage, they forget to do the same to her husband.

You are like my sister...I am advising you go start to attract your husband and try to enjoy the valuable life which you lost after marriage.

All the best sister....

 

Dear Kris98,

Totally understand your situation. Its hard when there is no recognition and appreciation in the family.
What you are doing by saying NO to physical intimacy is right. No need to re-think on that. Love should bring wife and husband closer not lust.
I'd suggest the same like most of the ILs did - get a job.
When you go to work, its not just financial independence but also you will realize your potential.
Slowly but steadily take control of your life. Start with getting a job first. Then build some savings.
All this will need some retrospection of your life. Take some time out when you are alone. Try and spend time remembering your skills and write them down. Think and set a career goal and a realistic time frame to achieve that.
In the meantime, keep an eye on career sites.

If there is no scope for you to go to job , then see what you can work on while staying at home. Since you are a software engineer, if you browse there are legitimate work from home projects available for both testing and development. Do whatever but keep yourself occupied.

Very valid question

Am sorry but this is so very disturbing.
when a woman is not respected and loved, how the hell do you expect her to dress up and be "attractive" to her man. Everyday her husband keeps treating her bad and she is expected to be "attractive as hell" for him and then he "uses" her in bed and starts treating her as crap as soon as the act is over. Still she should be attractive for him.
If a woman stops looking good for her husband, in 80% of the cases there is a very legitimate reason.
No woman wants to dress up for a man knowing that he is using her as a pleasure toy.
For a woman who is well respected and loved, no one needs to guide her as to how she should show up for her husband. It comes naturally.
For men its just physical and nothing else at all. But for women, she needs to be loved and respected before she shares the bed.
I know that if men are not happy in bed, there are chances that they behave funny and silly, but a man not being able to care for his wife at all and not taking her opinions in important matters is not normal. Its noting less than abuse.

If you have a sister and her husband treats her the way OP is being treated (pls note that she did not have the heart to write the whole story, she wrote the jist of it ) would you ask your sister to still dress sup for a man who can never love her but can lust her for his physical needs?

Moderators, Extremely sorry if my post is rude. I cannot stand a man who asks a woman to look "attractive" for another man who does not know that respect and love are two very important elements for any relationship.

 

Dear Kris98,

Don't worry.First of all do not think you alone are having a troubled married life.Iam also a software engineer ..homemaker now facing exactly the same situation.I went for job after career break ..then again resigned ( kids affected by babysitting etc) and homemaker..i understood the attitude of DH or MIL wont change in any case.But there is no point in separation.What you and me should do is that do not yearn for DH accceptance or pampering.But act that you are busy with ur hobbies and enjoying and you have self esteem etc...After sometime you will find yourself that after a few months of acting ..you are really a self esteemed person and you really enjoy hobbies..I suggest you to try some freelancing s/w jobs.www.upwork.com www.nabbesh.com etc then keep some money secretly with u.There is nothing wrong in keeping money in such cases..this will give you financial independence.. being husband and wife u share ur life with eachother ,body with each other then there is nothing wrong in keeping some DH money with yourselves..
Do the purchase of kitchen shopping monthly by yourselves.Ask money from him for the same.and save some money monthly.there is nothing wrong..He is ur betterhalf and what you do is for the good of both of ur life though he do not understand that..Think how long the MIL will live ,,20 years more?so it is foolishness to spoil ur marriage for others.Love ur DH and kid and do not expect back love from DH...like ups and downs if we are sad now definitely what awaits us is good days.Trust in god that what ever happens in life is for our good.By this situation we will be moulded to a strong and mature woman.
Let MIL and DH do whatever they can..Just think who can starve a fasting man?who can ruin a man who hates prestige?
Similarly think u r not alone..u r a rock and god will take care of u .
I was sad ,depressed.losed interest in everything,losed few kgs because of tension etc.But reading about your situation I understood am not the only one who is facing similar situation.
Like others said we should not crave for husband's acceptance and love instead try to be happy withourselves by indulging in hobbies like designing or sewing a special dress by learning from youtube or gardening or anything which give us happiness without sin.Focus on kid.Try to learn a new language from youtube.Or try to spend time beautifying yourselves with natural kitchen items like milk ,honey etc...that way you can change your mind from DH and MIL to something creative.There is no need to say No to intimacy because try to enjoy that .do not keep grudge it may ruin your health..you make him feel that even if he do not pamper you,you are content with life..that may or may not make him think back.But this will make yours and your kids life happy and easier.I have two kids but situation same.