Need advice on my Relaltionship

Hi All,

GM to all the ladies out there.

I am now in office and trying to get my head on to concentrate on my work,but in vain.Well when you very smartly deceived by someone you love,you feel your world is all over.I am not sure if this is the feeling with everyone,but it is the one I am certainely feeling as of now.

I have lost all interest in my professional life and personal.I am 24 now and I feel I am living only in the hope that one day I am also going to die,that is the only optimistic feeling I am having as of now.(I mentioned my age,for the readers to ponder if these thoughts just reflect that i am still very inexperienced about my life and hence taken aback by even smaller adversities tht life presents before me) I am unsure about it myself,but what is goin through my mind at this point is what I have expressed without any fear of being judged pretentious or immature.

Thts a long preface..Now to the actual point

It started about a year ago,My parents were looking for a suitable match for me,I had received some proposals but nothing worked out and I also was not much interested,as I was looking for job change due to difficult situations in the current job and I did not want to get married at that purticular point of time.My parents understood what i wanted.

I got a job and switched to a new company.During the induction program there ,I met the guy by name Mahesh .We became good friends.We were working in different branches.He used to call me and we used to have a very general talk.Then one day he proposed me,We were from different castes(tht did not have a problem with me)but I knew what my parents expected out of me ,and I love them to such an extent tht I would never evn imagine to do anything against them,and as such I was not in love with this person,he was a just a good friend of mine.So I said no,he did not have any problem with it and behaved very normally like a friend.2 weeks later he proposed me again,as usual my answer was no,then a friend of his came to support him and said he would commit suicide if I said no again,I was confused then as to wht to be done.He proposed me the third time.I spoke to my parents,I said he says he loves me and would die if I dont marry him.

My parents told me that they had no problems provided "his parents would agree and the horoscopes match".I conveyed the same to him.He said his parents would certainely agree,and checked the horoscopes and said it matches.He made a promise that his parents would soon call and talk to my parents.

We waited a week ,2 weeks,3 weeks more than 1 month.No calls came ,his excuse was tht they were waiting for the auspicious time to call,or they had some other problem and they will be calling soon and all.My parents were certainely running out of patience,because ther were other proposals which were stopped waitng for their response.Ultimately we gave him a deadline saying if we do not receive a call from his parents we will proceed with the others.Then he sent me two mails ,supposely sent by his father,of having knowledge of our relationship and the other by his uncle of supporting us to even do the registered marraige.I beleived him and thought may be because of the caste difference ,its taking this much of time for his parents to respond and may be we have to wait for some time.He said his brother would be coming to visit our house,or his parents will call up tomorrow or 2 days later,but nothing of which happened.My parents started to loose trust on him.

Then the worst thing in my life happened,we came to know tht my father is suffering from cancer,follwed by his hopitalisation and operation and family goin thru a series of emotional stress,my brother who was in Us had come down.Bala also came to visit my papa,eventually all our relatives came to know about our realtionship.Meanwhile bala told tht of difference of opinion between his parents and grandparents and thts wht stopping them from calling us and the day he said they would surely call ,no body called up.


During this time he introduced me to a friend of his,a nice lady(ex colleaugue).The only person from his side I ever met.All the other relatives if i ever wanted to talk or speak,he would say some reason and would not allow.eventually the lady friend had once accused him of lying to her and taking her for a ride and sent him a mail which i happened to see.he said ,tht she had misunderstood him on something.

When I persited him why his parents were not calling,he said we will go ahead and do register marriage,if no body allows and only ur parents support is required and his uncle will also support ,but his uncle never ever surfaced to support his claims.

Later After 8 months,my papa went to visit his parents to their native.then came the shocking revelation ,tht he has never told his parents about me or that my parents were expecing his parents call.His uncle said he had never know about me and his wife knew but,and told me various things abt bala,tht he is irresponsible and does not have single penny and he moves many comapnies and I should not be considering marrying him(why are telling me all this now and not when his aunty already knew abt it).My parents told me he was lying all through and its up to me to decide wht I wanted.When confronted him with questions ,he said the mails he fwded me were all proofs tht they knew abt it.his brother also told me thtt his parents knew about it even before my papa had visited them evrtyhing abt me.At this stage i was in a dielemma,I believed even if he has lied.it was becoz he loved me a lot and still the mails were a proof.

His parents also agreed for our realtionship ,though not in a very convincing manner,but yes and started plans for the engagemnt and marraige.Then follwed all the stories from his parents side abt horoscope problems and engagement even shud not be done now and cancelled the earlier date they proposed,and he did not even inform my parents abt this chnage of plan.This happened around feb 2008.So,it was decided tht marriage or evn engment wud happen only in jan 2009.


From feb till date we have been meeting regualrly.Bala is very irresponsible and does not save money at all.He was frank abt this to me intially itslef.I did not mind tht,since i thought these are thing tht will evntually change.I tried to change such things .He staretd to save money,But he always defaulted on commitments and when I ask him he gets vexed and starts gettind mad on me.

I came to know he has a habit of lying and he takes it very casually,I saw mails where he has told his frnds tht he was already married and all and he tried giving some naive excuse for all those.He borrowed money from me for renting a house and when asked at it he used to say ,he will pay it and when i really start pesering him....he wud get mad and ask me to accnt it in all the money he has spent for taking me out getting me gifts and all.There followed series of fights abt money,lying to me and he hit me on the road in front of all the people,he bullied me,he shouted at me,inviting all the unwanted attention.When I say I want to break away from him ,he wud say his parents also have agreed now ,he will commit suicude an all an cry like a baby on the road.

I took all of this with patience and thought my papa is not well(meanwhile he also had to ungergo another operation for the heart block) and his dream remains my marriage,I only wanted to see them happy and also did not have any intention to hurt his parents aslo.

I kept evrything to myself,without speakin a word to anyone abt wht I was goin thru.One day when i was late to return from office ,he confronted me on the bus stand and started verbally absuing me for being late and started misbehaving with me,he once split at me,two individuals in the locality interrupted and warned him.Ge suspected I had found soembody else.Such incidents repeated and another day a guy asked me to compalint to police abt this.Whe he is angry he is a b.*****d.But otherwise he will ask sorry for all his actions and take very good care of me(I was goin thru many health problems).

But such incidents kept on recurring,to the extent that persons we commonly knew stated calling me and complaining abt his behaviour.he never kept his promise given to others.I decided to end it once for all and told my parents abt it.

My parents sopke to him.He said he was sorry abt it.He said he was remorsefull and cannot live a life withour me and begged me for another chance.Looking at my parents conditions(their concern ..I am a girl....all the relatives and friends have known.....bad name tht will come to me and current health condition of my parents)I had to rethink.I decided to forgive him.

I told him,I am simple person I just expect honesty from him and I will be loyal to him for the rest of my life provided he is honest and true to me.He said he will be and just after a week he lied to me about a serious issue.I saw him lying to his parents,his uncle,his family members friends and who not.

I asked him ,you were lying to me again .He got mad,slapped me ,scrathed my hand leaving scars and then when I retaliated to breaking the realtionship started crying and not allowing me to move an inch until I said I will see him and speak to him normally and would not be angry at him .

I had to say that to escape from there,or he would never allow me to return home.He would insult me on the road when all are seeing.He does not behave like a eductaed civilized person.

This time I told his mother about his actions,she said she would advice him and not to tell my parents abt this and aslo to forgive him on her behalf.But it was too much to ask from me,my life has not yet started and I could see it crumbling down.How can soembody take me for granted and lie about virtually anything and evrything I had to let my brother and parents know .

My brother supports me and says if this is behaviour before marraige ,wht would be after that.My parents are cofused here.Ours is a respactable family.My father is the eldest.Till this day no body has spoken wrong abt us,but today because of me they are goin to mock at my family.

Wht will I do?,marry a different guy,wht if he insults me on this...I dont have any answers.

My brother says "its ur life ,ppl may laugh or mock,but its u who are goin to take the suffering and hence u shud decide,ur parents may not be there with you for all ur life,wht will u do in future"

I am also thinking,should i go ahead and marry him(knowing that it will be very hard for me to even think of trusting him,I would act like somebody with spectical mania)tinking of what the society will say if I decide to break up or should I decide to en this untrustwothy reltionship.

For me trust is most important for my realtionship.

Please advice me ladies ,please advice me......

Thank you all in advance.

 

I am emotionally and mentally very upset.Also at job,I have not got very good work.Hence I am preparing myself to do some certifications and refresh my knowledge before looking for a change.Thts the reason that stops me of immediately looking for transfer or a job change.I am not confident right now.And also I am the only person to take care of my parents ,I will need to be easily reachable and accessible to them at this point,and bangalore is the best palce for tht.

Eventually I am planning to take my parents in case of job change to a different location,and he no longer is in the same comany ,he has moved over serveral comapnies.

 

My brother is in US now,not in a very settled job.He would like to take parents with him,but my parents have granma to take care of,hence it becomes my responsibilty as of now.Also they have to look for marraige for my brother( and now may be for me also) so it requires them to be in india.