1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Is My Husband A Good Man Or Am I Overreacting??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Anika - I was saying those things with regard to date night and for YOU not for him. You feel taken for granted because you feel like you have to do it all for HIM. You need to start talking about what you like too.

    Okay, so once job starts he can't spend that much time with them. What about you? Kids? He is between jobs, good time to reconnect before the job happens. If the kids go to summer camp/day care/ or other activities outside the home, grab lunch together or something. Don't go on talking about it. Just say I didn't cook, let's go to ___. Hey my famous excuse is you have to come to Costco with me to pick up the heavy stuff because of my shoulder. And on the way there I just take a detour to Starbucks or somewhere else because I'm in the mood for a chat.
    Start acting, stop procrastinating and talking too much about it. Just do it. Baby steps, btw. It'll take a while.
     
    kcb, Bubbles, Rihana and 1 other person like this.
  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    660
    Likes Received:
    1,699
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    @anika987

    I read through your original post and then some of the responses you received. My point of view is that your husband is a satisfactory father, son-in-law but less than satisfactory husband. The bad news first - I don't think you are over-reacting. I think your husband is under-functioning and you are over-functioning in some key areas of your life together. Good news - I see a lot of great qualities in your husband that you provide you with ready resources to actually implement solutions.

    I say this because as @silentlistener correctly observed, he hardly does much to initiate one-on-one contact with you thus neglecting to meet your practical, emotional and physical needs. He is absent from home often (either lately or regularly), prefers the company of laptop for long periods of time to conversation with you, does not initiate sex, doesn't seem to look forward nor does he make date nights enjoyable either.

    You are reacting to his lack of action in certain departments where needs cannot be met by other people or activities. I think your whining is not the actual problem here. To say that it is the reason things are the way they are is like switching cause and effect. You have a genuine cause for unhappiness in some areas and your reaction is natural by way of being a young woman.

    I recall reading this book Harriet Lerner's dance of intimacy - where she talks about how couples are engaged in mutually defeating behaviors.Husband(or wife) does A (in this case A is not being participative/being an equal partner), this causes wife(or husband) to react by doing B (whining, yelling, being upset, complaining, fighting, pleading, add any others). Husband doesn't like wife's reaction (B) and thus responds in anger, and further digs his heels into continuing with A. Wife reacts even more shrilly than before. Soon behaviors A and B are feeding each other and create a vicious cycle. So the solution to putting an end to this "dance" is - for the wife (in your case) to do something different from what she has so far done to put an end to the cycle of the same repeat behavior A.

    Now to solutions
    1) I agree with @MalStrom in the advice of 'Get hired help' to ease your burden. Getting your husband to become a more helpful husband isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to take months/yrs of baby steps. In the mean time you can reduce your resentment by getting your husband to pay for the extra help you need which he isn't providing. I noticed a point you made about "I do not expect help around the house". I do think you should begin expecting a bit more. On a lighter note, your post reminded me of this scene from the movie "The Breakup" at 1:06 where Jennifer says "I want you to want to do the dishes." Vince - "Why would I want to do dishes?". (Actually that whole scene sums up your post including not doing anything together).

    Rather than expecting your husband to intuitively understand your needs, maybe you should explicitly and clearly ask for his help. Make it known that you find it difficult and all you're asking is a sign from him that he cares and appreciates, and that in your "language" him helping you spontaneously or upon being asked, shows his caring. By the way, I'm referring to the book "The 5 love languages" that I highly recommend you read.

    2) I agree with @silentlistener on the point that watching p@rn with your husband isn't going to fix things. P@rn and such can help a couple who have had a temporary lull in their sex life. Not major gulfs and years of sexlessness. You might need to have a conversation with him directly about this and/or add that you want to see a counselor before this issue gets out of hand and unfixable.

    4)Like I mentioned before, I see a lot of positives in your husband that provide you with tools to implement solutions. Like @Laks09 suggested - since your husband can watch the kids for a full day, use that time to pamper yourself - go to the spa, make new friends, try new hobbies where you can meet new people. Your husband thankfully is not the stingy kind - so you can easily pay for the extra help. Like this, use what is working for you to find solutions for the parts that are missing.

    Last note - Even if you feel that you could have done better for yourself, it's too late for that now and does you no good at all ! But that said, just because we are married to someone it doesn't mean that we should passively accept their (mis)behavior as though it is our fate to live in silent suffering. It is a spouse's duty to make it known to his/her partner about behaviors that is causing unhappiness and collaborate to finding solution(s) to the extent possible. So, the key would be to communicate effectively- be direct, be specific and ask nicely. I do agree with the quote - You don't get what we deserve, you get what we negotiate. But don't expect immediate turn-arounds. Things can be fixed. Be willing to be patient in bringing about that change. Get professional help to solve both your household and relationship problems.

    Hope things turn around for you ! Goodluck !
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
    PRM575, SGBV, Akanksha1982 and 5 others like this.
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,969
    Likes Received:
    20,846
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks guys for the replies..I have to admit I want some ATTENTION from him..
    I mean..a smile,eagerly listening to me for few minutes,taking me out once in a while..not too much to ask right?
    His friends he meets with enthu,can't say the same with me.

    every Time I give him the silent treatment,he gives me attention.that sucks!I love to talk,and the moment I become normal,he stops giving me the ATTENTION.

    Every time I fight and yell,he then gives me attention after sometime.this is NOT GOOD.

    Also,what is wrong with some hygiene?just coz one is married for years,you got to stop showering and dress like a slob?just imagine from a guy's point of view..if the wife does not take showers,does not comb her hair and dresses bad,would he like it?the same goes for the women too right?

    I have major problems with him regards hygiene and attention.
    I try to keep things ready so as to ease his job like getting his towel,clothes,comb to the shower BUT you can only take the horse to the pond..it has to drink by itself right???
     
    NeetaR, KashmirFlower and madras2018 like this.
  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    660
    Likes Received:
    1,699
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Please read out this post to your husband. Abt the hygeine part - some people are like that sadly ! You can change some habits at best by incentivising it.
     
    KashmirFlower and anika987 like this.
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female

    Read the above two sentences of yours together. Make sense?
    Stop babying him with clothes and towel. It's not working anyway!
    I'm sure you've discussed the shower issue. Try letting it be. Once work starts he has to right?

    For attention, lots of tips above. Try it. You can't keep discussing and not doing anything about it. I know you well from all the conversations I've had here with you. Try and break the habit of not doing anything and then expecting things to change. Start by doing one thing suggested above. Pick any one tip and try.
     
    yellowmango and anika987 like this.
  6. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    651
    Likes Received:
    525
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I am quoting a similar situation from a known family..... Husband provides everything for kids and wife.. All that they ask for they get... Good standard of life.. Pitches in some help sending kids to school loving father... He goes home generally late from work just so as to avoid any quarrel.. Parties regularly with diff sets of friends and reaches past mid night... So in these party days he even strays at times.. Sat and Sunday dedicates to family completely... He is such a jovial person that anyone wants his company at work or his old friends... But when we look at wife's perspective its similar to yours... So she fights nags ... She pulls his parents family and blames for pity stuff... He is fed up... She feels victimized.. ... Wife would not even doubt that he could stray... But he can't make love to her feels emotionally detached bcas of her blaming and finding fault... So I live my life my way that makes me happy is his attitude... He still is married as she takes care of kids and is a good mom... Wife would never understand her flaws... OP saw a similar pattern in your post.. See where the disconnect is and work on it
     
    shyamala1234 and anika987 like this.
  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,969
    Likes Received:
    20,846
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Female
    Hmm I guess from all the above replies maybe I should stop overdoing things for him, try to do things that make ME happy. The heart at times years from affection but I guess men like independence in a woman.I thought my man would like the perfect woman and I was trying so hard to please him.That could be it! So when I do not feel any sort of reciprocation I get upset. Am going to have to try to do things for myself.. maybe I will be happier... I guess
     
    blindpup10, Laks09 and StrongLady like this.
  8. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    238
    Likes Received:
    140
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Oops sorry..misunderstanding :p
     
    anika987 and Rihana like this.
  9. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    98
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Anika,

    Reading your few precious posts and current one I feel the following are the major things.

    1. Ur husband has a busy job and u dont have job and always dedixated home. So u are alwayswaiting for him and looking at him to make u happy or entretain u. It's high time u find job get trained. Especially the financial freedom which ur husband giving u as house wife , so if u earn u will be even more independent.
    2. Ur hubby used to hanging out with friends. Hanging out with friends is not related to u and u cannot push someone to make friends or stop friendship. My husband never had habit of hanging out with friends so even if I force now he doesn't do. Like ur hubby is opposite and u cannot change him.
    Well I saw my own uncles n bro who hang out a lot with friends and have great relationship with wife.
    Weekly 2 days dedicated to friends also not a big thing. Ur husband might feel am staying with wife what's a big deal in spending time with friends for few hours.

     
    shyamala1234 likes this.
  10. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    98
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    What if ur husband gives u great s$$ life every day with u and be a control freak. Like he wnot let u talk to ur parents , he asks u all money calculations, he never meets friends and never let u. These kind of men get complete nagging and interfere everything.
    So men who are usually let go type are like ur husband. U Cannot get all perfect in one person. So be hapoy with what u have
     
    anika987 likes this.

Share This Page