Issue With Dh Coz Of Sil Family

Chulbuli04 · Jun 8, 2016

Friends I'm in need of your suggestion to my problem. My problem is my over spending DH. He spends lavishly on his sister and her family. She is settled. Her DH is a govt employee earning pretty well. My DH has bought her a land after marriage worth 15 lakhs. I'm not against him spending for his sis but already we are debts and I joined my work in 3 months after delivery to avoid loss of pay stuffs. Till now we have not bought any new dresses or toys to our kid. He is 8months old now. My SIL easily manipulates my DH and gets money from him on monthly basis too. Recently my SIL's son birthday. This is his 2nd birthday. Myself and DH discussed and decided Rs. 5000 as budget for the kid's birthday present. But he bought a chain worth 25000Rs after going there. I let it go. Then we went to for a trip. It was our family and SIL family. They dint spend a single penny out of there pocket. Every single expense was done by my DH. I'm really feeling like we are being used. I don't mean that we should equally share at least meals for a day / conveyance/ lodging could have been shared. They were happily enjoying at our expense.
After coming here I asked my DH have they shared any expense. He said no and he got quite angry about it and asked why should they spend and it is our duty to spend for them. He also said me not to interfere in his expenses towards his family. I feel neglected and shattered. Past 2.5 yrs in this marriage we have had many get-togethers and family outings. Not even once SIL's husband has volunteered to spend.
We do not have any savings / property, have only debts. But still my DH doesn't understand that we have to save for our future and our son's. He still feels that it is his duty to spend for his sis. She is also using us. I don't know what to do and how to stop this and make my DH understand. Otherwise my DH is a very good person at heart and takes good care of me and my kid. Help me friends.

SGBV · Jun 8, 2016

Spending on your sibling is one thing, but living in debt, making wife to work by not enjoying her fullest maternity break for money, and not even spending on his own kid is something different.

When you handle this issue, don't speak much about SIL or how they use your H. Rather discuss about his budget for each month... including the rent, EMI, Loan installments, groceries, health and other matters in detail.
See how much you can contribute to the list.
Then decide on the savings part.
You both are earning. So, you both should have a say as to how much each of you can share from your salary to a common pool, in order to make your family's expenses.
This way, you both will be left with certain amount from your respective salary, either to save, invest, spend on your personal needs or even to spend on others.
Let your husband decide what he wants to do with that money. Even if he spends on his sister, don't bother.
But this way, you have your own savings after meeting all your family's need.

When his finances are tight, he will less likely to spend lavishly on others.
When he doesn't spend too much on others, they are less likely to boast on him or even to please his ego.
This way, he will eventually understand where he belongs to.

Fights or comments about SIL will distance him from you. He may find ways to spend on them behind your back.

In fact, your true motive is not to distance him from his sister, but to ensure he supports adequately to his immediate family.
Don't expect him to do that on his own. Make the plans, budget, and even do some tricky manipulation with the accounts. So that he will understand his responsibility towards his family.

Chulbuli04 · Jun 8, 2016

Thanks for your reply. Will speak to him about our investments towards our future. He being hypertensive for small issues, I'm feeling afraid to open any kind of topics to him.

ranirm · Aug 8, 2016

Put your foot down and tell him to stop spending else you will walk out of the relationship with your son..also tell him you ll rob maximum of his salary as alimony..sorry to say such a jerk your husbamd is..if he wants to spend and tc of his sister alone hmwhy the hell did he marry you ..what about your salary and how much do you earn and how is that spent?

helpmeplz · Aug 11, 2016

Chulbuli04 said: ↑

Friends I'm in need of your suggestion to my problem. My problem is my over spending DH. He spends lavishly on his sister and her family. She is settled. Her DH is a govt employee earning pretty well. My DH has bought her a land after marriage worth 15 lakhs. I'm not against him spending for his sis but already we are debts and I joined my work in 3 months after delivery to avoid loss of pay stuffs. Till now we have not bought any new dresses or toys to our kid. He is 8months old now. My SIL easily manipulates my DH and gets money from him on monthly basis too. Recently my SIL's son birthday. This is his 2nd birthday. Myself and DH discussed and decided Rs. 5000 as budget for the kid's birthday present. But he bought a chain worth 25000Rs after going there. I let it go. Then we went to for a trip. It was our family and SIL family. They dint spend a single penny out of there pocket. Every single expense was done by my DH. I'm really feeling like we are being used. I don't mean that we should equally share at least meals for a day / conveyance/ lodging could have been shared. They were happily enjoying at our expense.
After coming here I asked my DH have they shared any expense. He said no and he got quite angry about it and asked why should they spend and it is our duty to spend for them. He also said me not to interfere in his expenses towards his family. I feel neglected and shattered. Past 2.5 yrs in this marriage we have had many get-togethers and family outings. Not even once SIL's husband has volunteered to spend.
We do not have any savings / property, have only debts. But still my DH doesn't understand that we have to save for our future and our son's. He still feels that it is his duty to spend for his sis. She is also using us. I don't know what to do and how to stop this and make my DH understand. Otherwise my DH is a very good person at heart and takes good care of me and my kid. Help me friends.
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This is the exact same problem i faced too , I am not able to do anything , Just keeping quiet
We came to India this month , my husband promised me a Diamond set , He brought one
My SIL and MIL got upset , my husband has already gave them cash in the past to buy these stuff , but they invested in a property which has tripled in price
Now in order to keep them happy , he brought them gold bangles and diamond tops and new fridge , dining table and all that stuff
I was very upset , as why they should be upset when my husband buys me what i want
and they save their money and than get more in the form of gold
And also he spent 60 K rupees just for dresses of two kids and two adults , 1 pair each

We have savings , but have not invested in any property , but my SIL has property in Bengaluru , Guntur , Hyd
but still my husband thinks they don't earn and they are poor and have to help them
I am not able to help him understand , When i saw ur post it just reminded me of my own personal problem