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Marriage Counselling: Thumbs Up Or Down? Questions?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bbgy, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Here's my 2 cents from experience in India & elsewhere -

    It depends on several factors. So, it's not as simple as Thumbs UP or Down. I choose SIDEWAYS - as in it depends on factors such as -
    • Nature of the problem - If it is highly personal like intimacy related issue that most women dont feel comfortable discussing with others, seeing a counselor offers that professional, anonymous feel. Also this person, at least in western countries, is legally committed to patient confidentiality. The better ones in India also follow this I suppose. A counselor's academic and professional expertise can throw light on complex or little understood problems and how to handle them - eg sexual dysfunction issues, sexual incompatibility, addictions etc. Also it is expected, but not always guaranteed, that the counselor serve as a non-judgmental sounding board. Then again, I've known a popular counselor in my city who was not very different from the average Indian aunty whose ideas are colored by a patriarchal society. There are many other life situations besides the above, that need privacy and space in order to be solved, which sometimes can only often be found in the office of a professional counselor.
    • Availability of support system in the immediate family - If a person has siblings and parents, basically people who have known him for a long time and also know his capability to absorb/execute certain changes in his/her life, then seeking help from them may be more helpful than seeing a counselor. This is because a counselor speaks from the clinical perspective of what an individual could do to ensure his/her autonomy and healthy relationships. The really smart ones will also pay close attention to his/her counselee (patient) to evaluate if the person has the capability to really do what needs to be done. This information is hard to determine unless many sessions have passed. Whereas a close family member can provide guidance based on their intuitive understanding of the person's temperament, strengths, weaknesses and overall relationship dynamics in the family - this has bearing on. This assumes, vitally, that the family member is really mature, open minded and wants the best for the person in question. If these conditions are not met, a counselor is a MUCH better idea.
    • If un-diagnosed mental health conditions are at play - A professional counselor's trained eye can catch the early symptoms of mental health issues which may be the real problem or that which may be aggravating existing problems. Eg - Many marriage counselors often suggest treating underlying depression as one of the many steps that may need to be taken along with taking tactical steps in solving the marriage crisis. I doubt that the average friend / close relative may be qualified to take that call.
    • Intelligence of the Counselor and the person (Counselee)- To be really frank I consider myself highly analytical, well traveled, well read and with a reasonable amount of life experience. I found very few counselors whose mental wavelength matched or exceeded mine. Very few have the talent and intelligence to zero in on what the real problem is. Eg: The real problem may not be so much the actual issue two people are fighting over- but the answer may lie in the uneasy equations in their family of origin. Many counselors on the other hand, don't scratch the surface or keep dishing out standard cliched "advice". A therapist's job is not to "advise". But rather to help you problem-solve on your own. It can't be a permanent crutch. A counselor ought to challenge a person's assumptions when necessary and collaborate withe him/her to help them to see themselves, others and problems as they really are. Unless the person and the counselor share a similar wavelength and unless the counselor matches or exceeds the patient's intelligence, I doubt professional counseling will work.
    • X Factor - Professional counselors often have degrees in their line of work but I honestly think, that one of the secret ingredients in the making of a fantastic therapist, in the leagues of Scott Peck (an eminent psychotherapist), is emotional intelligence - the ability to intuitively understand human behavior and go beyond the obvious. Some of it comes with experience, but the rest is god given talent.
    So what's my verdict - A professional marriage therapist / counselor / psychotherapist may be helpful in some situations, but finding the right one, like finding the right man , may not happen at first try. With the right therapist, a person can strike gold. He/she could gain the skills and insights needed to improving self and relationships, and achieve overall balance.

    Alternatively I have found books just as helpful in dealing with difficult life situations. I can share the list if anyone cares for it in a separate thread.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2016
  2. Bbgy

    Bbgy Senior IL'ite

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    What a well-articulated perspective, madras2018! This is almost a guide to helping people decide whether they should approach a counsellor or family. Thanks for the invaluable insight :)
     
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  3. Bbgy

    Bbgy Senior IL'ite

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    The list of books will be very useful, too. Thanks in advance!
     
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  4. Sairindhri

    Sairindhri Gold IL'ite

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    That's an excellent reply with very good analysis and information.
    Thanks a lot for sharing.
     
  5. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Bonobology

    I think this thread will be helpful to many women if we can feature it prominently and make it easy to access. Would you like to pin it ?
     
  6. somsar2014

    somsar2014 Silver IL'ite

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    Ms Bonobolgy , your idea is new and hence I cannot straightway give a yes or a no to it. Everyone is skeptical about new ideas and I might be no exception. But, that does not mean I shall give deaf ears. You know big entrepreneurs appoint many counselors or consultants when they get big assignments or contract. For example, if a company gets licence for building a mega power project, they immediately appoint an EPC .......... engineering , planning and construction. The most resourceful entrepreneurs appoint the most experienced consultant in the trade and go by their advices . But that relation is of a commercial contract. the consultant has to produce result and and the entrepreneur will play the role of providers of everything, with payment depending on performance. But the most interesting thing is , the original or important decision are taken by the entrepreneurs , in spite of the contrary views of EPC. The principal decision making always rests with entrepreneurs

    Now, if one treats life as an enterprise, and appoint a counselor (parallel to EPC) , where is the contractual relation that the counselor's performance will be committed or the principal decision making will be in the hands of the individual concerned? At the most, what the individual can do is to seek opinion, get ideas about likely solutions or a road-map.

    You have asked , what would be the items in the questionnaire. It will vary with persons. Someone may go for solution for rocked marriage, some for remarriage, some for first-time marriage. There won't be any uniformity. For me, the best solution is to settle the matter with the person who matters most to me and let the counselor live on unemployment allowance .
     
  7. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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  8. SwatiSri

    SwatiSri Senior IL'ite

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    madras2018, I recently joined indusladies and have been perusing through some of the forums. I appreciate the response you wrote here, very thoughtful and well written!
     
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  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Most Indian couples have marriage issues due to in laws etc.
    How would an American counseler help in this ??.
     
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  10. SwatiSri

    SwatiSri Senior IL'ite

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    Good point Sunshine04. I have two thoughts about this:
    a) Search for an Indian/ South East Asian counselor in USA so naturally they will have a much better understanding of the cultural issues.
    b) Understand that in-laws issues are sensitive across almost all cultures - including western families, the main difference being joint families are almost unheard of in the west. So, the key would be to specifically bring up the point about in-laws while interviewing a counselor in the west, and decide based on how you are received. At the end of the day, a lot of the counseling is about helping people develop inner confidence and better inter-personal skills, how you interpret and apply those skills to your particular situation is finally up to you.
    I feel that if someone can find a western counselor who appreciates in-laws issues could work as an advantage for the person seeking counseling, because sometimes it can be an added benefit to learn to see things from a whole different perspective.
    Hope this helps.
    Swati
     
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