Difficult Relation With Husband

I am no relationship expert, but other than the lack of communication, do you guys have other issues? How is your family life otherwise? Do you guys ever get intimate? Don't expect husband to be nice to you always. I hope he does not dominate you. Whatever you want from him, give it to him. When you come back from work, get dressed well, look smiling and fresh. If you keep doing that continuously, maybe he will respond to you. We women are expected to give, not take. It is also true that men are more action oriented, they like to solve the problem and be done with it. Not like us women, we don't want to hurt, it is very important for us to be nice and we are also expected to be like that. We are supposed to be sterner mentally and look pretty on the outside. Though it sounds very unfair at seems, that is what it is. Women who want petting and emotional buffering are not liked by husbands. They look like they are nagging too much. You can expect that maybe from your parents and to some extent siblings, maybe a sister. Don't ever expect that from a husband.

 

I see lot of couple in same situation around me.
Until and unless your husband also see need to improve situation its not going to work.
You both need to do few things together like going to mall,going gym together to improve situation.
If you husband goes for walk after office join him.

 

I think you might have misinterpreted.

Have common friends. But also have your own close friends you do activities without involving H. This takes care of a lot of emotional dependencies issues. Say you want to do all activities only with your H, men typically cannot handle emotionally high maintenance women. We will set them up for a failure because they can never meet our expectation.

For me this is:
- once a week I go for a 1 hr long walk with friend A
- once a week I go swimming with friend B
- once a week I meet a friend C for tea

For my H this is:
- He plays video games with his friends
- he has a racket ball partner he regularly plays with
- every friday after work, the boys go a local brewery to hang out. Back home around 9. This is when I catch up with my girl over tea.

Apart from this we have girls night out and boys do the same as well.

Like any relationship, having good friends takes time, money & effort. I find indian girls put friends at the back seat after they get married, some even when they get a bf. But men continue their friendship & in turn women get very jealous when the men hang out with their friends. We really have to start nurturing other relationships other than H & kids. Plus if you do all activities with your H, then what new things do we have to talk about. Then the conversations starts becoming old, stale, boring.

They say when you have been with someone long enough, they even know what you think. I never want my H to finish my sentences, I want him to keep guessing

 

Hey avni,

You don't have to be very sad about this. This happens in a lot of family. Others have poured in great suggestions that you could try.

To break the monotony, I would like to ask you to go for a family trip somewhere you can afford. Planning to go for a trip itself is such an enjoyable thing. You will have lot of things to talk about and enquire about. It will be refreshing I think.

 

So you already have a daughter? OP, I think the differences between your husband and you has nothing to do with your present condition. I was under the impression that you had no children at all. Look OP, I think your ILs are the worst kind. Just because you cannot have children anymore does not mean they tie your husband with someone else. That is simply not fair. There is far more to this than what you described. I think you should seriously go to a counsellor and try to work things out. First reduce your stress and take care of your physical and mental health. If your husband admitted to an affair, is there something you can do about it? You can't get back what you lost, you are just a human. It is devastating enough to know he was already involved with someone else. Do you think you can still love him after the revelation? I personally think there would be no love left for such a person, personally I would let them go though I agree it would be really hard on the person who got cheated. But that is the only recourse left. Just calm down and start thinking about yourself. It is a very sad and scary world. People don't seem to value relationships and the hard work behind them anymore....Concentrate your thoughts on God and you may find peace.

 

I can very well understand this avni. Its sometimes overwhelming when we ourselves have to do everything for our DS or DD or whoever and we don't get time to do what we want to do. If you are already going for trips, then that's not giving you any enjoyment. I suggest an alternative. Go for a one day trip somewhere near by - just you and your hubby, and let your in laws take care of your daughter. Even if its going to a mall, its ok. But you should get undivided attention from your hubby. You can communicate better in the absence of others. But make sure to be calm whatever topic you are talking. Try to be romantic. Try to be confident. Dress yourself beautifully. Just be like some other new woman with a lot of confidence.

 

Hey Avni me too in same type of situation.. Mine is a love marriage of 16 yrs.. no matter what type of marriage is most hubbies behave same ways I think. I always wondered if really my husband cares for me ever. Last year I had a fall n broke my ligament. I didn't inform him & took help from my friends at work, thought why to disturb him & ask him to come all the way long from work. When I was back from doc after having first aid I called & he just ran home to see me fully worried in tension bechara, then he stayed with me continuously for next some days whenever I needed him like check-ups before & after operation. When I was fine again he was back to square same ignoring attitude. I think this is very common in males like @PRM575 mentioned.
But I don't understand sometimes why this males forget every time that we ladies need some attention if not regularly at least sometime or other.
1 more instance to tell in this pretext, last month when I was frustrated with the ignorance of my DH I decided to give a bang to him . I was to attend a function of my office colleague & I didn't inform anyone at home & went there & came late at home. Till then he had been searching me all over. Poor soul. When I was back I told him that wanted to check if he really cares for me or not, do I have any importance in his life or not. He said he was scared for me & also but his reply took me to top of the world. He said he has no identity without me (in different words obviously) I felt bad for my behaviour & as well good for his love for me too.