Feeling Left Out In The Family

@maroon
Some of the things they do might be intentional like ignoring your phone calls or cutting it short. Other things might be unintentional like not bothering to install skype or not including you as much. But the funny thing about mind is we mix it all up and bundle them together. I do this too with my sis in law who is passive aggressive towards me. She would msg on whatsapp group and be over nice to everyone but when it comes to mymatters it will be just 'nice'.. or 'good'. Initially I let it slip but slowly the jarring difference in compliments given, encouragement and support shown to me and to others caught up to me. I also received some back handed compliments, some straight show of disdain etc. My husband was oblivious to this and it didnt matter to him but it hurt my ego and self -respect. I stopped checking or replying to whatsapp msgs altogether. Not just the group but whatsapp altogether. I did this for over a month or two. My husband also noticed I never played with my phone or checked whatsapp msges. Even his msges. I told my husband I have no time for whastapp between work, household chores and socialising, if important just sms me. This way it didnt come across to him like I was using whatsapp just not replyin to the family group.Even in friends groups (that my husband is part of me) I didnt interact. This wasnt hard for me as many of my friends have also gone missing during exams periods or vacation times etc. This way the family group stopped expecting my replies. For example I will check all the msgs once in a week, that way they dont get the tick mark next to my name.Also I cannot reply to all the msgs as their conversations would have moved along through the week. So I will just send a common msg saying 'Good pictures everyone.. Happy Sunday'. etc. and thats it.

When they asked my dh where is she, no msgs ..he would reply she is really busy these days etc. This way it didnt seem rude to them or to my dh. But guess what, this gave me a lot of peace. I stopped overthinking their every move because i didnt see their every move. Slowly I got back to whatsapp. I reply once in a while and they dont expect regular replies as they still think I seldom use whatsapp. This was my way of doing it.

Maybe you can find your own way of reducing your interaction for your own sanity.

 

If you guys talk over the phone, and behave cheerfully during meetings, I don't give so much weight to this whatsapp matter.
There is something called social media trick. Not everyone is expert on that.

Have you ever noticed that some guys/gals get thousands of likes even for a shared message, whereas someone with a very strong message gets just one or two likes. It is all about who is the poster. How she/he interacts with others.
Although we respect our teachers, we hardly interact with them in social media.
However, there are some old uncles, who share same wavelength as us; thus interacting with them equally in a funny way is possible.

Since I am part of several whatsapp groups, i tell you this...

I too have purposely or by mistakenly bypassed some of the poster's messages to respond to someone else interesting. Then the discussion will go one on one; thus the other poster will be left out unless he/she joins the conversation.
It is either the first message is boring, a familiar fwd message, or even something I don't believe in. Whereas the next message could be something fresh, interesting or something which I wanted to discuss. That's where ignorance happen.
Here the ignorance is not to the poster but to the message.

Just try this out:

Go back to your group... say hi to one of the co-sis. Ask her how is she.. and one on one questions rather than general messages. See whether she respond to it.
If not, see whether she is active and responds to other messages.
If so, ask her why there is a silence to your message, just be blunt.
She is forced to give you an answer.
Then join the conversation.

Do the same with the other co-sis.

Time to introspect what kind of info you are sharing in whatsapp

 

@maroon, I empathise with your situation, I'm in the same boat.
What you n your hubby are doing is good for you. Am glad he understands. I do exactly the same: wish on bdays, anniversaries, festival days. If there are people like DH's aunts or cousins who ask for me then I respond late to them but one-on-one, in a private chat. And I'm apologetic, jolly and sweet n give a long reply. So they are satisfied.
Removing 'Last seen' & Blue ticks on WA settings helps too. Unfortunately, archiving a group chat doesn't work because it keeps popping up every time someone posts. So, it's a matter of will. I look, scan the messages, and then I clear the chat so it's not always there n I don't brood over things. The images will be in gallery. Any quotes or music I want I star and keep the option so those will be on the chat.
Take more control. Don't let the bullies get to you.
Come to IndusLadies when you are lonely.
@maya9876, 2nd*ing, 3rd*ing, Nth*ing your responses.

 

I feel very bad and upset after reading your post.

I still fail to understand this whatsapp politics though. If a co-sis and BIL can speak to you over the phone normally, and visit to your house and spend a day with you all casually, then what's their ego or problem in the whatsapp?

I would understand if they are moody with you otherwise? But looks like you guys speak, call frequently etc... So, why you are ignored on whatsapp?

If you take my family, I don't personally take so much interest on my BIL's family. My co-sis and I speak over the phone only if there is anything special. No gossiping or not even casual talks otherwise.
But on whatsapp, we interact frequently. Again on general matters like what I cooked, what I brought and what my kids did etc.... So, others press a comment as they see it. Even if there is no comments, it doesn't matter as no one seriously look or wait to see other's comment. Because we know we are not closely connected anyways. Whatsapp is just for sharing.

I still feel you are giving so much weight for this whatsapp thing. What if there is no comment to your post. Stop posting there. Or stop waiting for a like there.
As I said earlier, try to interact more actively like asking questions, opinions individually than in general. So the other person is compelled to answer.
If he/she chooses to stay silent, you get the hint. Yes, never to return to that group.

There are so much in real life than to feel bad on this whatsapp matter.
If you ask me, I am involved in many whatsapp groups. I change my interest time to time, and take active participation in one group over the other.
But that has got nothing to my real life friendship with the people. Its all about the hot topic or gossip that comes via whatsapp, not about the person who passes the message.

 

You know you should exit out of the group or go quiet for a long time then exit. Same thing happened to me, SIS in laws and cousins and family members were using whatsupp and other social media to say things, and take digs, and they can be passive aggressive because easy to be on social media, after being upset about this I closed all social media accounts. Now I have no FB and no whats up etc, I choose to communicate one on one with people via SMS or email. I no longer do group chats or likes. It took me a few months but now its good. that way I talk about what I want to talk about and no one can try to rub things in my face. People actually (the mean ones relatives) get upset when you leave fb because they can't get at you. Please don't feel left out, just cut off social media, exit the group on what sup and don't give a damn about what people think about you. You are so worried about what family will think but those same family members never bring up the fact that you are ignored.

 

Clear.

Are you the eldest DIL? How much you share common things with your other co-sis?
Howz your H's relationship with his other 2 bros?

Now this matters.

I am the eldest DIL. But I am 6 years older than my youngest co-sis. But my other co-sis is only 8 months older to her.
Since I've got married early, I have 2 kids and who are no longer babies. Both of my co-sis do not have kids despite of being married for 2 years.
So, they assume themselves to be newly married young couple, where as we belong to some older generation.

There is nothing wrong in their perception either. Because whenever we meet/interact, I cant dedicate all my time for the fun interaction there. Rather I would be thinking about kids, their meals, responsibilities etc... as I am no longer dwelling in my honeymoon phase. So, clearly I am not a great match with them to take this relationship to the next level.
We share a basic cordial relationship as relatives. But I am sure my co-sis are far more closer with each other than with me.
They grow closer before my eyes, and their circumstance did help a lot.

On the other hand, my H is a different person. He is not a friendly or funny character to interact with. The other two BILs are different though. So, it is far easy for them to be together with families than with us. Which is perfectly fine with us too.
Even though I am just 5-6 years older to them, and looks young and behave young as of their age. My H is just 3-4 years older to other BILs, and again he is very much young physically than them.
But when we introspect what's wrong, we clearly see the gap.
So, we wholeheartedly left the team, although we are there as relatives.

Besides, I find myself/Us to be more closer to my side of the family. My sis is 5 yrs younger to me. But she has 2 kids and all of them to be on the same age groups. My SIL is 8 yrs younger to me, but her children can still play with my kids. Since we all are parents, we share so many things in common to interact and share. Although there are plenty of differences in age group, exposure etc.. we pass this phase together as we are parents of young kids. That's string that tie us all together.

I am not supporting your co-sis, but it is important to understand where you belong to, and act upon it.