How Marriage And Relationship Problem Has Made Me A Better Person

blindpup10 · Jun 17, 2016

@Vaniquest
Thanks for sharing your experience! It is very inspiring.

type2 · Jun 17, 2016

omg Vani... you truly inspired me. this post will inspire a lot of ladies like me. thanks a tonne for sharing ur life experience here. i've become a huge fan of urs u are a living proof that there is a way if there's will.
every word is awesome. My favorite lines are:
Marriage is not a destination
it is not about money. I can never imagine a life without work
After endless hours of work, the other site didn’t work. But I didn’t lose hope. I learned many things.
My in-laws don’t help and I don't want them to help. I take care of my two kids with lots of happiness. It brings me more joy than ever. I am their father and mother.
don’t quit on anything that defines your identity
quit the job if needed but not the career
Don’t lose your identity and live

Ragini25 · Jun 17, 2016

Jazmine83 said: ↑

Indian women are so pretty
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Character etc what you wrote is fine.
@Jazmine83 but what has "looking at wedding pics", and "who is handsome/ who is pretty" got anything to do with anything? The guy may be handsome and a total jerk, or look average/below average but very good hearted. One has no connection to the other.

superwoman09 · Jun 17, 2016

@Vaniquest

Yes compromises are made based on situations and hopes of the future which one has. Glad that you were still able to come around and gain your ground inspite of the drawbacks. I have seen many women lose their careers, their faith and turn into a bitter person but never questioning ILs rules nor working their way around it. Kudos to you for being able to achieve that.

maroon · Jun 17, 2016

Congratulations Vani. You are a winner. Your kids will be proud of you one day.

Rose03 · Jun 17, 2016

Wow Vani you inspired me .. my fav lines are "If you have the WILL you can do anything. Marriage is not a destination. Please don’t let it derail your aspirations." and "Even now, I am struggling with plenty of family issues. But I seriously don’t care about it anymore. For me, whining and wallowing in family problems is making me lose my character, attitude and mind"

Yes many of us would go thru it where we lose our identity , attitude and character because of family issues. which i am going thru for the last 3 years.

ur post is an apt read for me. very much inspired, yes i should take wake up and work hard to acheive in my life and have our own identity.

once they grow up, sure ur kids are proud of u ..

Jazmine83 · Jun 17, 2016

Ragini25 said: ↑

Character etc what you wrote is fine.
@Jazmine83 but what has "looking at wedding pics", and "who is handsome/ who is pretty" got anything to do with anything? The guy may be handsome and a total jerk, or look average/below average but very good hearted. One has no connection to the other.
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what you are saying is in in ideal world..where look, caste, income has no affect on spouse selection. I am against caste system.. and in my family we have so many intercase marriages including SC/ST. But no denying that people look at this in marriage market

In reality they play a role and we cannot sugar quote it. A guy can be very nice but if he weighs 300lbs, I am not marrying him.

I agree look has no connection to character. But you cannot disagree that looks do play a role in selecting spouse.

blessings1010 · Jun 18, 2016

Vaniquest said: ↑

Hi All,

This post is based on my life experience to share that If you have the WILL you can do anything. Marriage is not a destination. Please don’t let it derail your aspirations.

I am Vani. I am married for the past five years. Blessed with two lovely kids. I live in a joint family. MIL, FIL, BIL, co-sister..etc. I am facing many relationship problems ever since I got married. Well.. I guess there is no safe exit in Joint families..

I resigned my well-paying IT job a year ago because of people who are in-secured of my financial independence. I want to share with you all how my life turned after I quit job. I felt this would be an interesting read to all married and working women.

A year back I have to resign job due to nil support from my family. My husband and in-laws never supported my job. After marriage it was a great struggle to continue the career. [Well …I faced problems on every aspect of my relationship. However I have written here only about my career struggles after the marriage. ]

I have two kids. I gave birth to my second baby on Oct 2014. I went on maternity leave the same month. Ever since that month I know I can’t continue my job. On April my husband had to move to onsite for his job. I became a single parent with two little kids.

My in-laws went abroad to support their other son. So I am left alone with two little kids. My parents couldn’t pitch in and lend help as I live in a joint family with other brother in law. I don’t have the luxury to even keep maid full time and continue the career even though I was willing to give huge salary for the maid. Joint family was my biggest hindrance to do anything I wish.

My Ex-company gave me lots of option to continue. They even gave me permanent work from home option till my son complete one year. Even then I couldn’t do much. My biggest problem was timings. I couldn’t work on the usual 9-6 timings. I got scared whenever I am asked to attend any meetings. My kids would make me mad. And there is no one to look after them. I couldn’t stay at my mom place as my daughter was studying close to inlaws place. So I need to stay at in-laws home with no one. Finally I took the tough decision..ie RESIGNATION. [Note: However, due to excessive stress created by my inlaws I finally moved out of my IL home and came back to my parents this January.]

Many asked me to reconsider. But I am left with no choice. Three months before resignation I started to think what else can I do from home? I considered many work. I wanted to sell something from home. Even for that I need someone to take care of my kids so that I can go and purchase stuff. I dropped that idea considering my limitations. Finally I learnt from an article that we can earn some commission by running a website. I don’t know how much it was true. But I decided to give it a try.

I educated myself on online website service. I started one with no clue. Before marriage I blogged, that gave a little exposure. It helped me to design a website. My IT programming skills helped me to understand the technical details. I launched my own website three months before I resigned as I knew well one day I have to make the tough call..ie resignation.

I worked on nights to develop content for the website. Since I don’t have to stick to 9-6 timings, I found it easy to manage. Day time is completely dedicated for kids. I put them to sleep by 8:00 PM. Then I work till 12:00 P.M. I don’t have to depend on any one at my IL place to run my own site. Weekends I would go to my mom place. My mom would take care of the kids and I would work full time. All the time management skill that I acquired over years, working along with my daughter at home, helped me tremendously to achieve what I wanted in my site.

My site slowly started to grow. Three months after the launch, my site started to earn money. I made 6K for the first time. Finally I found out that things are working. Then I resigned the job.

My parents were very worried that I am letting go off my 80k/month job. They wondered why I need to stress so much for just 6K. I always tell them it is not about money. I can never imagine a life without work. I am working for the past ten years. I can’t stop it now. Just because no one supported me, I can’t end my career. I want to find a career where I don’t need others support. And I found one. It doesn’t matter how much I earn. My parents understood and supported me. My husband was okay to let me do this as long as I don’t expect anything from his family.

After resignation I got freed from huge office stress. Then I concentrated on my site more. I developed one more site. I made lots of mistakes. After endless hours of work, the other site didn’t work. But I didn’t lose hope. I learned many things.

After close to months, now my site has grown well. I have formed a routine where I can manage everything solely and still be able to dedicate 4 hours each day for my work. If kids make a fussy day, I call it a quit and continue next day. To be a boss of own work gave me immense freedom, flexibility and responsibility.

I earn half of my IT salary each month now. I am happy to see the progress. This is just a new beginning and more is yet to come. Still my husband is in abroad. My in-laws don’t help and I don't want them to help. I take care of my two kids with lots of happiness. It brings me more joy than ever. I am their father and mother. After I moved out of my IL home, my parent helps me a lot. I feel less stressed out. I am not guilty like before. And above all, I still didn’t quit.

I have many plans to develop this online business after my son reaches 3 years. I want to employ women and give them working from home option with flexible timings. I will do it in the coming years. I want to do it for the people who wanted me to quit and fail

If you are facing situations like mine, don’t quit on anything that defines your identity. Living in a joint family and aspiring for a career is not easy. To all married ladies, my humble advice is to quit the job if needed but not the career. Find one that will suit your needs.

Don’t lose your identity and live. I have faced this dilemma. So I wanted to share with you my entire story who are in the verge of quitting for the sake of family drama. There are plenty of options outside. There is always a way if there is a WILL

Even now, I am struggling with plenty of family issues. But I seriously don’t care about it anymore. For me, whining and wallowing in family problems is making me lose my character, attitude and mind. I don’t want to go in detail about it here. I can write a whole book on the stupidity I had to undergo in the name of joint family and the politics behind it.

While I have million reasons to complain, I want to focus all my energy on things that can make me a better person in other aspects of life. In spite of the tremendous stress I had to undergo because of my DH family, I owe them something. Without them I wouldn’t be following my passions now. I learnt from them on how to bounce back even if some can kick me down to rock bottom.

You don't need anyone to live the life you dream of!! Just you and your dreams are enough!!!

Regards,
Vani
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You are an inspiration to all of us Vani. I agree 100% Marriage is not a destination. Please don’t let it derail your aspirations. In so many Indian families ( I think few non-indian families too), ILs and other family members make life so difficult for women who have had excellent career/ life before marriage. I do not understand why? They would love to support their own daughters but when it comes to DIL's, they are absolutely opposite. Anyway, as you mentioned, we work hard to build our identity in the work fields, why let others derail our aspirations? Kudos to you. Please keep it up.

Ragini25 · Jun 18, 2016

@Jazmine83 you need not select him, and you need not marry him. But someone else may think his personality and character are more important than his looks. So, perhaps they go beyond the superficial when they decide. I am not saying who you should select - just that perhaps she (whoever in pic of the wedding) went beyond the superficial when she married him (and vice versa when the guy looks good, and the girl average - those happen too).

harinideep · Jun 18, 2016

Hey yest i saw 36 vayadhinalae movie ( how old are you in malayalam) . you have done exactly same thing . i pray god that ur hubby realizes your worth in the same way tgat the hero realizes heroines worth in that movie . i will sincerely pray for you .
You are a super woman and your site is awesome . your site has inspiring advices . i loved it