Quit Or Stay?

Married to a NRI who has settled in US with parents 16 years ago. They are not Americanized at all. They behave like a typical Indian orthodox family. My MIL and FIL never ate egg and hardly dine out even today. My FIL is 69 years old and still working. My Husband is a 200% mumma’s boy. Even being a middle-class family, living in Inida I lived a lavish life. Never spent way too much, never did we (my parents) save money cutting all our basic recreation like going to movies or dining at a restaurant. Life was going on with ups and downs for my parents who are govt teachers and 2 teenage daughters. But we were content. Its quite opposite with my inlaws. They are rich, have huge savings as they hardly go out anywhere but they count every single penny even if you want to go out for a movie or dinner. My FIL is like what will people give me and how much worth! Depending on that I will decide on how much respect I need to give them. I am from Telangana and they are from Andhra. I don’t know half of their dishes, but still I ask my MIL and cook. How would I know how it should be? I never tasted it all my life, if I eat the curry I make I feels it’s tasty but for them it’s junk. I am Learning. Why don’t they understand it? They taunt me saying something or the other, a lot of discrimination. But they speak honey words in front of people. They are all 2 faced people.

My MIL hardly talks to me. I am on hefty/healthy side. Cottons sarees don’t suit me at all. She forces me to wear cotton sarees and that too in US. I am not a very religious person, she want me to light a lamp every morning and evening. I slowly but surely started lighting lamp every morning for sure. But sometimes (4 or 5 times in last 6 months) in the morning while rushing to office I forgot, even if I forget I do it in the evening. But she scolds a lot and waits for a chance for me to miss lighting lamp. She went to my SIL’s hose for 4 months and I was taking care of the house. She use to micro manage everything from there. She use to ask my husband or my FIL to show the house in video chatting and yell that why is that paper there, why is that jacket there or show me near sink tap I will see if there is dirt there etc. I use to feel so bad. Did they get a DIL or a servant? I go to work everyday, come at 6.30 in the evening at make food ready for my FIL by 7.30 pm. If not he will start throwing tantrums. The food should be smoking hot if not he will ask me when the food was cooked is it fresh or not. To save time as cooking dal, curry/rasam, rice and roti in 1 hour is not possible I use to put cooker immediately after coming home after washing hands. A big fight for not changing the dress and trying to cook. It saves time for me was my intension. I just get pissed off and my husband yells at me even more. We hardly get to go out, if we go out my MIL of FIL join us. If just me and my husband want to go out then some my MIL scolds my husband a LOT. Class starts for saving money and health and being fat, exercise or work at home. On my husband’s birthday we totally got ready, I just had to wear shoes. She said “is it necessary to go out now? Its cold outside, I am telling for you only etc”. My husband dropped the plan immediately. But after an hour or so i.e at 10 pm we all went for a movie together. Wasn’t it cold then? Why do people act like that? It was my husband’s first birthday after marriage and it was just 2 and half months after I came to US. We have no right to spend time with each other at all. My husband hugs her even now and says sorry amma sorry amma please amma forgive me amma etc. and the drama continues.

I earn but my husband never lets me spend any money from my salary. He will buy me things but even if I take a cool drink from my card, he will ask where did you spend that 1$. I feel so bad. Its been close to a year now, so I asked my husband to send me to India. He is like I have no money I cant send you etc. I said we’ll save carefully but please think. My sister is going out of home for higher studies in they July. I wanted to spend sometime with my family before she goes out of home. That’s the only reason I want to go home. But my husband is not sending me. I really feel upset.

My husband paid a sum of 2 lakhs to a cloth merchant from whom my MIL bought sarees for our wedding to gift her relatives. This happened in November last year, he told me amma said she will return so paid off now. I did not have any problem coz I am not a money person at all. Out of nowhere I casually asked him a status on that amount last month. I had no negative intentions but casually asked. My husband became so so so furious and that too at 1 in the night. I tried to explain and request saying I casually asked. But he was going on yelling at me. After 15 or 20 mins I said “if we had that money may be I would’ve gone to india and you wouldn’t have said I don’t have money” I said this as I was very hurt for his reaction. I knew I did a mistake but I was angry. Instead of yelling if my husband said “see, she is my mother, I cannot ask her at all. And its for our wedding so we will manage” then I would’ve completely surrendered myself to him saying yes lets do that as she is our mother. But NO. Nothing happened like that. Not leaving that matter there, he told his mom that I said “did your mom give the money back?” That time she was in India. She called my parents and started complaining that I asked for money, I don’t put tea in the morning, I wont wake up early (5.30 or 6 am even on weekends) and that I always want to eat food outside and I eat chocolates. My parents defended a little and felt bad also. With that my mom admitted in the hospital for 3 days. I am not able to take all this. In the mean time I got a very good job opportunity which all of us were waiting for a long time. It has very high salary also, my husband was very very happy. But don’t know what happen, he went out for an hour and came back home told me to reject the job offer. I was shattered. Why are they playing so many games? What is happening?

In the mean time, I by mistake saw a message from my younger SIL on my husbands phone. I was shocked, she was bad mouthing me that I am acting, I am smart etc. My husband was giving her every single update like eating dinner together, helping me in making chapathi, I am saying that I still felt that I joined that job. I am sad, I am shouting, I am reserved etc. And she is saying that I am a smart ass, they got to know my character and they have to be very careful with me. I am really really shattered. I don’t feel like talking to my husband at all. I feel so detached. If I talk to him I feel as if I am standing naked in front of many people coz what ever I say will be told to everyone. I am not understand what to do. It’s a very very long post but still there are so many many things that I could not cover in this. My main worry is my MIL and FIL are coming back from India this Friday. I am really scared and not prepared for the torture. I cannot act. I feel like crying, her micro management is at peaks. Being in India also, she said "keep showing me the house in video every week, i want to see how you maintain it" I feel pathetic, am i a servant? And I cannot spare my SIL at all. Forgot to mention, I have 2 SIL’s both had their first marriages divorced. But still my second SIL is behaving like this. Please advice how to teach my SIL a lesson and how to behave with my In laws. I feel like quitting.

 

Thank you so much dear friend, i dont know what to say, but i am kinda feeling very low now. He tells everyone everything, small example which happened last thursday evening. I use to drive car in India, so driving here in US is becoming a bit challenging as there are many rules and i dont get much support from people to learn driving well. In this process i tried to take my driving test, postponed my test appointment atleast 7 times because my husband is busy with something else, and failed 3 times as i did not have much practice. I am losing my confidence totally as i always use to tell family or friends that the appointment is on so n so date for the test. When ppl asked me if i passed, i either had to say i postponed it or i failed. So last week i requested my husband humbly saying plz lets not tell anyone this time i am losing my confidence, its not about ur mom or something i wont tell anyone you also dont tell anyone. he said ok. next day he did not wake up on time, had an appointment at 8 am, he woke up at 6.30 but did not get ready till 7.50. I was upset, but did not say a single word. I was ready waiting to start. but it was too late. Later he told his sister that it was partially my mistake and partially her mistake and she asked me not to tell anyone of you about the driving test but she will tell her family, lets wait and watch how we will catch her. i was shattered and my SIL was talking all non sense about managing me and my character. i dont feel like trusting him, i dont feeling like talking to him. forget about my SIL, he is giving people a change to talk about me.

 

Its been 1 and a half year now. We got engaged in mid of 2014