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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by N@!Sr!, Aug 6, 2008.

  1. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Mine is a love marriage. We got married after 4years of courtship (distant). Due to his job and mine we most of the time stayed in different states or countries. Finally got married in Nov. 2006 and since then I have seen a marked difference in my husband's behavior.
    While we got married, his parents did not agree to this marriage. At that time, my husband was living in Middle East. Even though he always told me that he was willing to get married to me, he stated completely a different story to his friends and family. Both his friends and family members told me that he was not willing to get married to me at that time and it was my force which pushed him to do so. When I heard these, I questioned him but he very nicely diverted the topic. Till now I have not received a confirmed answer if he has told anything of that sort.
    Thats when my in-laws started to taking a ride of me. I have mentioned in other posts about them. I have tried to explain to him about the ill-treatments that I received from his family members, but he ignores them completely and openly says that he does not trust me. So, he is not with me at all.
    Above all these things, when I came here to stay with him, I noticed that he gives more importance to his friends than me.
    If I am ill, he will never bother to ask me how I am and if I need medication. If I have to go somewhere , the obvious answer is, why dont you go yourself? Is it necessary that I have to accompany you everywhere? Recently, he needs an operation and when I stated that I will take a leave and be with him in the hospital, the alarming answer was, "Why do you have to come to the hospital with me? I will take you to shopping malls but why hospital?" I was soooo surprised with this comment as I have seen my mom and dad to be such a nice partner and they supported each other in each an everything they did so far.
    I am getting upset day by day as I dont know who I married. I feel like he is an alien with whom I am staying now.
    Ladies, please assist me. What should I do with this man? How should I convince him about myself? Also he feels great in humiliating me infront of others. When family friends go together in a party, each of his friends stay with their wives but by hubby would never be with me. I feel so depressed with all these. Please help.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2008
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  2. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,

    I think you really need to do some introspection.

    Also, have a frank talk with your husband on your future and life together. Your marriage seems to have started on the wrong footing and if your husband says that he was forced into this relationship then i really wonder how far it will take the two of you.

    Have any of his friends also mentioned that this is a forced marriage. If so then you really need to talk this out. Coz if the foundation itself is weak then the structure will not sustain for long. So to make this marriage work both of you need to really work towards a strong base.

    All the best.
     
  3. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel there is more to the story than you have penned. Your husband seems to have disconnected from you and for some reason he has developed hatred for you. Which can be fatal for any relation.
    One can cure insensitivity, but hatered is almost next to impossible. You first need to brush through your past with him in your mind. You need to rewind the major fights you people had. Somwhere in that past lies the key to why he started hating this whole thing.
    Once you know where things strated going on, you will atleast have some clue to the puzzle.

    Ria
     
  4. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hi, Riya

    You are correct in quoting that I haven't penned down all the facts. Its because I was apprehensive about the fact that not many IL's would read my post as it would become too long. But thank you for your eagerness to assist me.
    We met in 2002 and both were studying in college. He was doing his management degree and I was completing my graduation. During these 6-7 months we stayed in the same city and were regularly meeting each other. I found immense love and care in him.

    However, I found a strange behavior in him, and that was chatting with girls over the internet and then getting involved with them over the phone for hours. If I say hours means 2-3 hours on STD calls. But normally the girls used to call him and not vice versa coz he used to run short of money. His parents were not supportive then as most of ours. They used to limit his pocket money so much that he used to run pennyless for 2-3 months. I was the person to support him financially by lending him whatever I could save from my pocket money sent by my father. I raised my voice at these incidents and stricty told him that I dont like this behavior of his.
    I agree that it was my fault as I became almost blind in his love and cud not take any decision with my brain.

    Soon after we both got placements, me in Hyd and he had to move to Bihar (He is a Civil engg). Since, then we used to meet only once in a year. But quite often, I found filthy mails exchanged between some internet whores and calls/phone#'s of women who he met over the internet or in college. So, most of the time we had huge fights over the phone on this issue and then he used to apologize to me to bring everything back to normal.

    I also found that whatever he used to earn everything was going to his family and I was devoid of any gifts, even cards etc... which honestly used to hurt me. I voiced out my feelings to him as I used to give him expensive gifts. At that moment he used to feel bad about the fact and apologize but soon after the same thing was repeated.

    Adding to this, his net chatting/phone chatting with anonymous women was going ON n ON, I used to check his mail ids (he gave me the user id/password) for confirmation. As time passed by we both flourished in our career but he never gave up his chatting behavior with his girl friends.

    I asked him repeatedly to make his parents aware of our relationship for 2 years as we were pulling the cord of our relationship. However, he refused to do so stating this is not the right time as his father retired and they have huge problems at home. He is normally very introvert so I think that he was scared to approach his father who is very reserve kind of a person and above all, he never had good relationship with his family.

    When I disclosed the matter to my family, initially no one agreed and then they forced me to get married asap as my father also retired they had an insecurity feeling about our relationship. (At that time 2005-2006) he was staying in Middle East. So, out of immense pressure and of course my love/dreams of family life, I did approach him for getting the marriage done in 2006. He never disapproved me and the rest I have sited in my earlier post. The surprising fact was, when he came to India for getting married he got a gold chain for one of his girl friend's and he lied to me stating that was sent by his colleague to his wife. However, not a single piece of gift for me during my wedding !!!! Somehow, the wedding passed by and my in-laws are another pain in butt now. He called that girl friend of his in my house an gifted the same chain infront of me which hurted me immensely. I broke out in tears and I did scream and yell at him. I lost my patience completely as this was too much for me to handle being a new bride.
    He then told me that its not a gift instead, he would take the money from his friend (which never happend till now). Then he left for Middle East as he stated that he cannot get me with him here. I stayed back in B'lore as usual working. One fine day. I saw a new years greeting card in his mail box sent to the same lady for whom he got the gold chain. It stated "You are my chweet heart. I miss u so much. I love your cheeks etc...". Also messages such as "XYZ,where r u, please come online. I am missing you".Surprisingly, this lady was dating another man and was about to get married after 6months of our wedding and my hubby was aware of all these facts. I checked his orkut profile and everywhere its similar thing. Thats when I really felt like breaking up from him just within a month from our marriage. It was a disgusting feeling of betrayel as I started trusting him b4 our marriage thinking he has stopped all these. But alas, everythign was haywire. I went into full depression and thankfully was working with a US based MNC that has in house councelling from experts. They helped me come out of the trauma. Along with all these,my MIL continuosly nagged and cursed me as her son was not sending money home and the obvious cause was me. Thats when I decided to come and join him in Middle East as things were out of my control. My parents supported me to the fullest extent, I am thankful to them. I repeatedly requested him to arrange for my Visa but everytime he had some excuse. There were huge fights going on at that time between me and him on this issue, thats over the phone. I kept on being in touch with my councellors and they asked me to stop the fight as it was not leading to anything. After 4 months, I got my Visa when I threatened of asking his boss about the whole matter as his co. would be the sponsor for my Visa. When I came here, I got a good welcome but he forgets my B'days. Usually no celebrations and no gifts(even b4 getting married it was the same thing). Again one day I found mails to ladies where they have exchanged their sexy pics and statements of missing each other. Thats when I tried to committ suicide as I neither had job, nor my supportive parents and went to full depression. That was the first day when he realized something and weeped by holding me in his arms. He STOPPED chatting completely (I still keep on checking his accounts/ph). He did stop but not sure if its going to be permanent. But the support that I mentioned in my previous post, is still lagging.
    Coming to the treatment of my IL's, I was not accepted officially. Atleast thats what they told every aquaintances. My hubby n I went to our friend's wedding in a distant state in India but as per my MIL's advice, my hubby left me alone in the train when I had 103 F fever. I became unconscious in the train due to high fever and in Blore city stn the coolies rescued me. My MIL continuosly bad mouthed about my entire family to my hubby and my MIL's mission was accomplished. My hubby hated my family members to the core. And the rest is what I mentioned in my earlier post. I still have something more to jot down but I feel ladies here r very bz and they hv their own problems, so it might be too tough to read my entire post.
    Xtremely sorry for bothering all of you with such a huge mail.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2008
  5. jaya36

    jaya36 New IL'ite

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    Sweetie,
    Looks like this relatioship is doomed & one way traffic......sorry atleast appears from ur post. You just walked into it knowing the pitfalls.....either u put up with him,be nice to him & hope he wud realize ur worth or move on.

    I pray to god things get easy for u in life

    J
     
  6. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    I agree with Jaya, it is decision making time for you. I am not sure how things would get better if they started this bad. Having kids will complicate the issue further!
    It is never wrong to admit your mistake and move in life.
    Take care
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I see.
    I can see things in perspective now.

    So it looks to me that you have had many issues to begin with this gentleman. However you have stuck it out so far. And it has even costed you your dear life to the extent of losing it only. And after investing years of faith, love and money, you are still at same cross setcion of life, where you started. So that says one thing this man is not worth your love. With that said, you can still make a choice of further endurance of pain and hopelessness in married life or a life where you may be alone, but atleast you will be valued and not mistreated.

    I personally feel indian gals are brought up with this , "one marriage, one man" belief to the extent of risking their own life. But dont you think, you can never lie to your own heart , if you really feel happy in this relation. People can undergo any pain of in-laws, infertility or just anything, if they have support of their spouse. If not, then all efforts of keeping the cart going will consume of whole life. I have a friend who had similar experience as yours in love. She was in affair with this college guy for six years. from first year itself she could see cracks in relation, major issues with guy's character. But she stuck out hoping one day things will change. Now this gal is happily married to some other guy. You know what grievance she has.. Not that she fell in love with wrong guy, but that she kept too long in a relation which was cracking from day one..

    So choice is yours, You can go on giving freehand to your husband. Or just free yourself of this agony of one-sided painful marriage. I dont see it worth the effort.

    Ria
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2008
  8. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry to say this.. you were foolish to have married this guy. Inspite of being aware of his musings and habits you just went ahead and married him. Why ? Love is blind I know but it has brains. I felt really sorry when you said you attempted to end your life. I dont blame you for having done that.. Sometimes when you give your heart and soul to the relationship and are punished in return you tend to do such things.. We women are such emotional people that we tolerate any rubbish our husbands do. Had you done something like this .. his reaction and approach to handle this would be soo different. Mistakes can be corrected. You have risked everything for this guy and still there is no affection from him. I suppose it is not worth a try any further. Now the chance is yours.. either you continue risking your valuable life with this man who is not worth it or move on and ensure you are happy at heart. All of us have one life, dear friend.. do you think it is worth spending it this way ? There are characters that can be corrected but this kind of detachment is like a fatal disease. Your life is worth more than all this you going through. Whatever.. keep your happiness in mind and decide. Take good care !
     
  9. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hi, Ladies
    Thank you so much for taking out time to read my long post and providing me with the valuable inputs. Even I think the same way that it was my foolishness and I dug up my pit.
    But like I mentioned after all that tantrums, my husband did leave his habit of chatting with women, so I still hope for a ray of light to have him beside me.

    I will quote an incident that occured this weekend. We two and one of his friends with his wife went for a movie in the afternoon. After that we thought of spending the evening in the shopping mall. While window shopping something caught my attention and the other lady (his friend's wife) with me too, so we went inside the shop. I saw her husband(my husband's friend) accompanying her and helping her to chose the accessories. However, my husband left me alone and went strolling outside walking down further ahead. When I asked him to be with me, I got such a bad yell infront of everyone that I could not hold myself from tears. This is a normal story whenever I want him beside me. The complete environment worsened and all of us planned to come back home.
    I question God, why my hubby cant be like other guys of his age when they are so supportive and understanding and leading a happy married life.

    After we were back home, he started apologizing to me and tried to bring everything back to normal. Then he started blaming me politely that I should not have created a scene infront of his friends/colleagues etc. as they will understand that we dont have any understanding or love between us(he is often more worried about others than me). I tried to make him realize that his bahavior of maintaining distance hurts me to the core but I dont know how much he accepted the fact. Anytime we visit the shopping mall or anyplace , you would find him walking ahead of me. I dont know why he feels ashamed or insecure of walking along with me.

    The same evening, we had an anniversary party and after all the above scenes , he again asked me to enter the party alone and he would join me sometimes later. I immediately told him that , this is what I dont like in him. All the couples would go together and people start questioning as to why he isn't there?

    I asked him several times, as to why he feels so ashamed of me being beside him but he never answers that and comes up with some stupid answers as "I was not feeling well" , "if you were accompanying, we were getting late", "the people there were not good" etc. Even he does not like accompanying me to the hospitals and vice versa.

    When I talk to my mom about this, she says to leave him alone and do all my shopping and personal stuff by myself. "He is such a nut that he is not worth of your love and presence". I too feel the same way but at times when I see his friends to be merry with their wives, I get emotional and feel like having him beside myself.

    Could anyone of you provide some tips to make him feel my worth or my presence? I will try for atleast 2more years and if still things dont work out between us, I have to take a drastic decision.

    Also, if I become strong and dont show my emotions to him, he gets upset and keeps on saying that I dont love him anymore these days. So, I am really confused thinking as to what should be my ideal behavior towards him so that I dont show him that I am over caring/loving at the same time I dont appear to be dying to have his presence. A day after that incident, he was pretty polite and took me to another shopping mall and wanted to gift me an expensive watch from Rado. But I dont know how many days this will last and he would again start the same behavior.

    My in-laws take full advantage of these and now they are constantly nagging us to go for a vacation to India asap eventhough I dont have leaves for the year. They are regularly forcing him to go alone if I dont get leaves. I have no clue why they become so deperate of silly things that they keep on asking the same question every weekend when we call them. Evethough I wont call them every weekend, but my hubby would call them twice to thrice a week and the same nagging continues. Also, my sick MIL orders me over the phone that I should not go to my parents first when we visist India. We should go there first and stay for most of the days and then while returning, I should visit my parents for just 2 days out of 40 days of leave. Can you imagine how cheap a women can be to order such things? Well my parents never advice such things to my hubby. But my hubby has no say on all these......which irritates me to the core.

    I am highly confused of the fact that if my in-laws enforce this behavior in him or vice versa. Also how should be my ideal behavior towards him to make him understand that I dont die for his presence.

    It hurts me so much that I always question God, why me? I am not ugly, neither am unsmart. I am from Bangalore and quite trendy, good looking and I also hold a good position in my work field. Infact I stand out from his sisters and relatives based on my looks,career and thoughts which is envied by my sis-in-laws. I have seen so much of world, all by myself through my job but still my home front is so messed up. Why????????????
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2008
  10. skavi

    skavi Senior IL'ite

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    N@!Sr!

    I sorry to hear what you going through, but its really clear that there is nothing left in ur marriage...and i don't understand if a person is not changed in 6 yrs, why do u think he will change in coming 2 yrs...

    my sincere advice to get out of marriage, and lucky you u don't have any kids to hold back to him...u r very well educated and you will lead a nice life...i think you r thinking about ur relatives, friends and society what they will think...please don't care about others...they won't come and lend u hand when u suffering like this...

    iam telling you about my Pinni(mothers sister), she suffered with her husband and she felt free only after 55 yrs n leading her life happily after his death...
    She could not take bold step as she is from another generation. But think how many years she wasted on him.

    but you r more educated n more strong compare to my pinni. please take a strong decision thinking about u . now a days we don't need to think about society to be happy. so i hope u will take right path.

    Wish you a beautiful future a head...

    Skavi
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2008

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