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Hurting Badly :-(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adimad, May 27, 2016.

  1. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, don't waste your time on what your husband thinks. Men are the same mentality everywhere. I won't even say men, rather humans, if you depend on someone for any reason, they will attribute all your success to themselves that is human nature. Let it be gone, put your mind to succeeding in your job, then both of them will not raise their voice again.
     
    pear and KashmirFlower like this.
  2. svjm

    svjm Guest

    I wouldn't agree on this generalisation. Not all men are like that. I have seen men who are good and treat women nicely as well.

    But with regards to the OP, I do agree that her husband and in laws are quite rude and definitely less mature.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2016
  3. adimad

    adimad Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for listening to me :)
    I do agree that I might have assumed the worst given my negative frame of mind lately. So I am going to take the advice to bring it up with my husband and clarify what he really feels. Thank you! and I'll update the thread on how it goes.

    And regarding the comment about paying him back, I don't really think I owe him or his parents anything more than what I already have provided. Including money, time, companionship, service, nurture, baby-production and care, and so on.

    It's just the attitude and the lies that hurts me.
     
    anahita5, livingitup and SGBV like this.
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Glad to hear that.

    All the best and hope you sort your problems and lead a happy married life.

    Take care,
    Vaidehi.
     
  5. livingitup

    livingitup Bronze IL'ite

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    That's my gal!! IMO, your husband man must have thought that he would get immediate ROI... unfortunately that did not happen. In addition to that , I guess ur MIL must have filled his ears about the loss of money/income, etc... and all these put together may have influenced his thinking..

     
  6. adimad

    adimad Silver IL'ite

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    So here is how it went.

    I brought up the topic of my decision to do an MBA at a good time, when our kid was asleep and we were talking openly about positive things.

    He said that he thought we should have done more due diligence before doing the course, in terms of finding out what kind of market it is and what kind of placements and what does one need to focus on to get a good job (like which subjects etc). I dont disagree with him but then we both know the reason we were not able to concentrate on this. That reason is all the huge issues created by his parents before, during and immediately after our wedding.

    Anyhow, all in all, I feel that my hunch was right. He did bring it up while talking to my parents because he feels it was MY bad decision and I wasted money.

    I have not confronted him about calling my parents behind my back though.

    I think I should also tell you about this "unrelated" issue for which he had called my parents.

    My parents have 2 daughters including me and no other kids. My sister is also married and works in USA. So its just my parents back in India. My father is the only income earner and he has his own small proprietorship, which means no retirement support except their own life-savings. He is closing in on 70 now and we dont want him to keep working through old age.

    With the savings and assets they have, they could actually move to Australia and sustain themselves for the rest of their life, but with a little bit of financial help from me and my sister as they are just that little bit short. And my sister and I both are more than happy to chip in if that means a better life and a better old-age for them. Plus a BIG relief and support for me to have my parents close by. They wont live with me - they'll sell India home and buy a house here close to us.

    When I discussed this with my husband, he was OK with it. He raised a few questions, which I gave my opinion on and he seemed to have accepted coolly. I was happy. So we all started finding out about how to proceed etc. Then after a few days, on my way back from work, I was speaking with my parents (as usual) and my mum mentioned that my hubby had called.

    I was shocked and I asked her what about? because he never speaks with them let alone call on his own!! And turned out he had called specially to tell them that it is not a good idea to move. That I am not listening to him about it and this may turn out to be another bad decision just like the MBA one. He then repeated the same questions that he had raised with me, but had calmly accepted my answers, no arguments... so how did "I not listen" to him?!?!?

    Ok so let me also share what his questions were:

    1. "Private health insurance is so expensive for their age, have you figured it in your calcultions?"
    answer - yes they had! I have spoken to many many people who bring their parents here and have actually taken insurance quotes as well so that we include the amount in their monthly expense estimate.

    2. "But my (my husband's) parents can never move here because they are not eligible for visa. (my husband has 2 sisters, so only 1 out of 3 children (33%) are in Australia, permanent visa needs 50%)"
    answer - They are still eligible for 1 year at a time. And also, I dont see this as having a relation to my parents moving.

    I realised he must be feeling bad that he is not able to do same for his parents. And I spoke to him about it and we discussed so many other options they we CAN do for them, which could be even better. and at no point during my discussions with him, did we argue or fight. So by the end of it, I got the feeling that he had understood and was supportive.

    But then he goes behind my back to call them and persuade them to not make this decision, citing those same questions!!

    My parents almost did change their mind, but I convinced them that we had no issues between us and that they should at least give it a try.

    This is killing me :-( I have no idea who to talk to about this. The more I bring it up with my family, the more they will say "we dont want to come" because they'll feel they are causing trouble between me and him.

    I am also not confronting my husband about this because then it will definitely become a big issue and my parents are ready to reverse their decision at the slightest indication of trouble. For now I have managed to convince them that everything is OK between us and that he is satisfied and supportive now, so we've put in the visa application at least.

    The thing is that in all this, I have nothing left in my heart for my husband. Absolutely nothing. But I am playing his game now...I will use his own trick on himself now that he has been playing on me all along. I will not initiate seperation topic myself and be labelled the "bad one". But I will not make his life easy. Let him initiate if he is not happy.
     
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  7. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Kudos to you OP for standing strong on bringing your parents closer to you. Plz dont give up..and its seriously a feel good factor for me as we r two daughters to my parents n i feel the void in my parents already..
     
  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    DOes it mean no good feelings for him in your heart?
    Separation means legal separation? Did he bring this before also ? then he is threatening you, telling you to listen to him, or he will do that. So he will be ok, if only things work his way.
    do you think , He is afraid that you will have support system if ur parents come here, and u wont depend on his parents in the matters of pregnancy , child rearing etc
     
  9. kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

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    What is the problem?

    You have a job, a kid and husband. Your husband, as per your post, kept his promise and financed your studies.

    It seems he expected you to get an executive role after finishing your studies. I dont know your professional background however MBA studies have no value unless you already possess like 10 years of executive/management experience.

    Where I live, it is mostly people with 15+ years of management experience that truly benefit from the MBA studies. The studies allow them to climb up the ladder.

    Your husband and you need an heart-to-heart discussion. It seems like the both of you have supressed things within yourself. It needs to come out.

    From my personal view, you had a " pain period" and came out well. Prior to the MBA, you had no husband , no kid, and no MBA.

    You now have it all. There is a spiritual law that goes something like this..."everything happens at the right time for everyone involved". And I think , it is so true in your case. You wanted the MBA , however along the path you got an husband, kid, job, MBA and a promising future.

    The only thing your husband and your need to work on is the communication part. Supressing things inside yourselves is not good.

    Have a nice future and stop "overanalyzing".
     
  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Your husband is using a coward approach to major things in your marriage. If he has a problem with your MBA studies he shud have mentioned it to you. Next about your parents moving to Australia. If he had a problem, he cud have told you himself. Not go behind back and tell your parents not to move there.

    Do not base your decision of moving your parents there based on your hubby's choice. You can support your parents go ahead. Have a talk with him and tell him not to talk behind your back to get his way. Instead talk to you directly. Its a shame for a grown man to act like this. I apologise for the language. But he needs to grow up a lot to think like a rational man and behave like one.

    Nobody can predict majoring in one can pay tons. Today's skills may be stagnant tomorrow. It all depends on the market . And nobody can predict that.If we cud everybody wud be millionaires easily.This attitude of your husband shud be a lesson .If you can support your parents on your income and your income alone bring them to Australia.Never discuss major decisions with your husband if you can take care of it yourself.In a way , he might be jealous he cant bring his parents while you can. Hence putting a stop to it. Don't mention it to your parents . Such things are just your husband acting up and nothing else. Good Luck.
     

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