1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Intimacy Lacking

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Mangojuice100, May 25, 2016.

  1. Mangojuice100

    Mangojuice100 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I am married for 12+ years. Have never had so much of a sex life. Vaginusmus issue in the beginning. Then a few years of sex and infertility stress and finally a child before 5 yrs. No sex since I got pregnant. A few months back had sex purely to become pregnant again - I enjoyed the sex but apparently my husband did not. He said he had to fantasize about something else in order to have sex with me. Was heartbroken. But miraculously conceived. Now 4 months pregnant and no sex since that one time. Every night I get sex dreams. I want to have a regular sex life whereas he is happy to jus masturbate to his head. Never bumped into **** or anything. Fairly sure he has no ema. Very good father. Very busy and competent at work. He has a complaint since the beginning that I don't gel well with his folks. He admits it's a lot better now. Mil and I have a reasonably pleasant relationship now after initial drama and hiccups. Could he really be that upset from 12 yrs to hold back sex from me? I am getting old and I feel like my best years are behind me. I find myself pleasuring myself to utube videos myself and I feel dirty. Please help.

    When I did have sex that one time I begged him for more and he just said let's see next month. Even naked sleeping together would give me so much satisfaction but he jus wants our child in the middle. He takes us out and acts like a perfectly normal couple except this issue. Not even much hugging unless I initiate. He says he loves me but our sex life is jus not good for us and he is happy just that way. But In fights he will always bring up that physically he is so unsatisfied in this marriage while in reality that feeling is very mutual and I am a willing partner :(
     
    Loading...

  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    660
    Likes Received:
    1,699
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    TBH the best person to provide some insight into why your sex life is the way it is, is your husband.

    You are saying that you guys had sporadic intimacy in the first 7 yrs. Then no sex at all last 5 years until conception of 2nd child. It prompts the following questions
    - Why did you wait so long to ponder over the lack of sex ? I mean, did you not feel the need to get help after the birth of the first child - i.e from year 7 to year 12 ?
    - In those interim years why was there no sex - who initiated and who turned it down ?
    - Why has sexlessness become an issue now ?

    Based on your statements, this is what your husband has revealed so far
    "He says he loves me but our sex life is just not good for us and he is happy just that way."
    "he will always bring up that physically he is so unsatisfied in this marriage"
    "He said he had to fantasize about something else in order to have sex with me."

    From the above, the pattern it appears is that he is unsatisfied with the quality of sex, which might explain his lack of motivation to pursue it on a regular basis. But it's also possible that there may be other reasons hidden from view (such as lack of libido etc) that are the primary or secondary causes.

    I suggest that you ask him, in an easy going way, what it is that he finds lacking in your sexlife and why he feels unsatisfed. Is it attraction ? Was he ever attracted ? Is it boring? Does he want variety ? Are marriage issues turning him off ? How does he manage his libido with little to no sexual contact ?

    Based on what he says you can identify if there is something can be done by one or both of you to fix things. The trick in getting truthful answers is in the elicitation process - when women ask in a worried, anxious, angry, emotional way more than likely they will not get a helpful response. It helps to keep it in a light, non confrontational way. If you find it hard to get a meaningful response then take the help of a marriage counselor to help bring out the cause.

    Don't beat yourself up over what your husband has to say especially if he blames you. Know that he is not doing you a favor by obliging sex once in a rare while despite not liking it. He could have let you know sooner what his problem is. You, as does anyone else, deserves a willing and enthusiastic partner. He has as much responsibility as you in having a happy marriage.
    The reality is that once a marriage sets into a pattern of sexlessness for an extended period of time, it's very hard (but not impossible) to turn it into having a regular frequency of a few times per week or month. Please get the conversation started and/or seek help at the earliest.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
    SGBV, PRM575 and Anusuya like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    He complains that his physical life is not that interesting with you.
    You also have the same complain about your sex life. Which means, something is lacking between the two of you.

    The normal sex life was missing in your 12 year long marriage. You guys had sex just to make babies.
    But you can tell us this.... What exactly made him turn off from you?
    As you said, the initial vaginusmus problem... How long did that take to cure?
    That's a real turn off for both.
    Then what exactly happened?
    Who initiated for sex, and who turned it off... Why?
    When that repeated, didn't you question about it?
    What was his response?
    Yes. family problems could be a big turn off too. But that can't be a reason when you actually don't have any problems right now.

    If he feels not attracted to you, hence he needs to fantasize something else to have sex with... Then, you must see whether you need to groom yourself now.
    I mean wearing attractive cloths, seductive environment, privacy, probably weight loss, having a bath before bed time, good perfume, brushing, treating any odor problems (if any) etc etc...
     
  4. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,484
    Likes Received:
    4,119
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    An OP can carry the troll sign in bold 18 font letters, but still the sign will be missed. Carry on, good wishes aam joos.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Is intimacy a troll?
    Lately I've noticed that you bring troll alert for almost all the threads that discuss intimacy here.
    Is discussing intimacy a taboo in your society?
    I really don't understand why are you obsessed so much about other's time and energy in a negative way here.
    It is your right to refrain from posting here. I respect it.
    But you go on giving this troll alert for almost all the threads which carry the word intimacy. You never stop here, rather you PM the posters and literally fool them for posting their opinions.
    I believe there are forum Mods.
    More so, we believe our instincts and go about answering the threads. The trolls die on its own, when members actually realize it.
    But that doesn't make every single thread that comes with the word intimacy to be the troll.
    Troll threads may appear with other titles too.
    Sometimes, the thread could be Troll... But the discussion (by members) could be very much refreshing. So, why not join the crew and enjoy instead of being the odd one here. @Ragini25 common... we are all adults.
     
  6. Mangojuice100

    Mangojuice100 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes Vaginusmus is the main reason as I can see. He was initiating for only about the first 3 months and then soon after he lost interest ....he never asked about doc visit. but he had a thing in his mind that if I were more knowledgeable in the field of sex then it would have been easier for us.. he also thought (and still thinks) that I am the only Indian woman who did not masturbate before marriage.... . then life took over .. I realized this was an issue only after about a year(i was quite naive) .. and then approached the doctor .. Was cured in about 2+ yrs.... By that time itself his drive had died down.. but then we did have sporadic sex.. many times he would lose it in between.. many times we could finish.. after about 3 more such years we started trying for a baby and had a lot of fertility issues - we would only have sex during "that" time every month and it was quite stressful.. and then with some treatments I was able to conceive 6 yrs back. that was the end. A few months back we had just ONCE and now again nothing....

    I have asked about the lack of it many times in the past - probably after my child turned one.. that was also the time we had major inlaws fights at home.. they were living with us under the pretext of helping with the kid but it was more harm than help.. my husband though still thinks i am in the wrong for being the "bad dil" and not able to adjust with his parents did side with me enough for me to remain sane.. he has been a reasonable husband at those times - so my respect for him .. and then when things got better with my child turning about 2, i have initiated and talked about it many times and I have been turned down with reasons like not in mood etc.. but in fights he has also mentioned (about the same time) that it is because i don't turn him on, I am not attractive to him.. in fact I have never been .. not after the first three months of our married life.. it was a huge blow to my self esteem.... - He said this once before 3 yrs or so and once a couple of days AFTER we had sex a few months back.

    i had made up my mind that I will never have sex with him again to have another baby.. but then i also wanted another child and i gave in once (not that he EVER approached me for sex at any time in between) and am still very happy God answered our prayers immediately.. but the possibility that we would never have sex ever again is making me miserable. Otherwise we go out, take trips, are reasonable with both our parents, visits to/from relatives etc just like any other normal couple..... And he is an AMAZING DAD..... He admitted to just "masturbating" in the bathroom just to some fantasy whenever he had to relieve himself - he says while he can get it done with in a few minutes he does not feel to need to spend any more time and energy doing it with me..

    And I am dark - very dark in those areas - which could be a turn off... but I exercise and eat well (until before I fell pregnant this time) - I think I have quite an amazing figure for a woman who had a late childbirth via CS. I know I look good (except for some overhang) - no qualms there for me. (atleast until before my current pregnancy ... - now I know I look huge and can be a turn off.)

    Please clear my mind and on how to proceed with this.. and no I am no troll.

     
  7. tarasharma

    tarasharma Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    563
    Likes Received:
    430
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    The reply makes me certain this is a troll.
     
  8. Mangojuice100

    Mangojuice100 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    What is it about my reply that makes me look like a troll:( deeply saddened that I can't find a solution here where a lot of women find solace to their issues.....
    Yes my issue is intimacy related but very real.
     
    nandita24 and madras2018 like this.
  9. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    660
    Likes Received:
    1,699
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    @Mangojuice100

    Some suggestions.
    1) Find out what is turning him off & try some self-improvement
    He seems to consistently state the reason as "lack of attraction".You need to find out what exactly it putting him off - don't guess things about yourself, instead ask him to be specific. Also ask him if he would like a better sex life and would he feel be more motivated if you could do some self-improvement. And just fyi - being dark in the nether regions is not an anamoly. You could bleach it and there are some excellent options out there for down there.
    - I can imagine how difficult it must be to keep hearing 'you don't turn me on' over and over again. It might be good to establish a basic ground rule that both will keep out sex issues when you fight (triggered by other issues) because things can get ugly and hurtful. Instead always make sure you talk about sex issues in a separate conversation which can be conducted in a calm manner. Also request him to express himself in a gentle, empathetic manner and not in a rough or hurtful way.

    2) Get expert help to communicate

    If it appears that you have trouble communicating, i.e you are not able to get him to acknowledge your hurt feelings, or he continues to say things in a hurtful manner, or his behavior fails to improve despite your best efforts at self-improvement, you must consider a marriage counselor. Many people are hesitant because they feel that it's for people with serious problems on the brink of divorce. But in reality a meeting with a counselor is a means to open up communication in a neutral environment and seek the help of a person experienced in such matters.

    3) Self-Improvement as an ongoing process in all spheres of your life
    In parallel to all of the above efforts - Focus on improving yourself in a way that is independent of seeking his approval. Quite difficult with personal issues ongoing, but investing in onself is always worth it. Post-delivery, get yourself in shape, develop friendships, excel at work, get a new look or wardrobe, change some personal habits, try to not make your husband the sole source of happiness in your marriage. It is always possible that he will be more attracted to you when he sees you bloom as a person rather than as someone seeking his approval.

    4) Self Help
    In some cases despite the best efforts of one party, sex life does not always improve because as it is easy to see, it requires the efforts of both parties. In other cases, change can take time. In such situation and perhaps beginning even now, you could try using vibrators and other self-pleasuring techniques that will help you handle your needs/ libido as you navigate through the issues.

    I noticed your other thread about separation due to lack of intimacy, and I really do not think it is practical at this time as you are a pregnant woman with a 5 y/o child. Your marriage seems to be doing ok in other departments and you need all the help you can get for the next 18 months. Lack of sex may be indeed a valid cause for separation, but you might be better off thinking about it after you have you've got finances and child rearing under control over the next few months. You could use this time instead to help yourself with/without a counselor to try and resolve issues with your partner.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
  10. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    660
    Likes Received:
    1,699
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I somehow get the feeling that the folks who keep popping up to announce troll alerts on threads related to intimacy must be young 20 somethings yet to grow out of their 'sanskari' adolescence where you know, 'those' topics are to be only hinted at or giggled over. Or they must be total prudes living 'perfect' lives.

    Any adult woman old enough in their 30s or someone with kids would realize that there is NOTHING WRONG or BAD about sex. It's totally normal and it's just another aspect of human life, after you've reached a certain stage in life. Women who respond to such threads are old enough to know which ones are genuine, and do not need adult-supervision to be warned about 'provocative content'. Thank you very much.

    Get over it you hyperactive troll-alerts !
     
    bron, girlinblueshoes, SGBV and 4 others like this.

Share This Page