Parents are not appreciative. Why?

prithvikrishna · Aug 6, 2008

I don’t know how to start it. But it is something I wanted to let it out.

I don’t know if I am right or wrong. :boolease help me.

I am 29 years old and married for 3 years now. We are happily married and living in US. I have 2 sisters, elder one married and having 2 kids. Younger one is studying in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Australia</st1lace></st1:country-region>. My parents took loan from a far off relative of my father who is very close with our family for my elder sister’s marriage 10 years back. My mom paid the entire loan back to them with interest slowly. My father is a big time alcoholic. He will not give any money to my mom for any of the house old expenses. He would say that for him his parents and siblings are very important. He used to lie and take money to give to his relatives. My mom used to keep her mangalsutra (thaali) in the bank to pay our fees. All the three of us grew in such a surrounding. If my father was not drinking, he was the best father in the world. He used make breakfast for us, tie our hair, pack our lunch and go to office. My mom used to clean the house and cook our lunch and go to office at 6.00 am.

I studied in a good school and got a chance to come to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">USA</st1lace></st1:country-region> with good grades for my M.S. I completed my M.S with my hard work and funding from my researchComputer Typing . I paid my entire expenses without taking single penny from my parents. I met my husband thru matrimonial website and we liked each other very much. I told my parents about him and his family. I told them to talk his parents. Big issues started like why you are getting married to this particular guy and all that different city stuff. We both are from same caste. My Mom was like guy is less educated than you, inferiority would arise in future. I was like big deal, as he is a very nice person. We started saving for our wedding as I was working that time in here. After 1 and half years of toil, we went to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> with money to get married when I was 26. No trouble for my parents or his parents.

My husband has been so supportive of me, that he would never say no to anything I do. I have been financially supporting my family for sometime now as my elder sister is not able to do anything from her side. She is working and her husband is not currently working as his contract got over and after that he has not been able to get a job. He has been taking care of the kids and trying to go abroad to <st1:country-region w:st="on">Kuwait</st1:country-region> or <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Dubai</st1lace></st1:City>. My mom keeps complaining about it. They bought lot of stuff for my sister to settle in Chennai when they were moving from Andhra to Chennai. Now my parents are saying that we spent so much for her, when they did not even expect it. My sister says that when she rejects the help, my parents start crying. But now they are cribbing and boasting about their help.

This year my younger sister turned 24 and she told my parents about her love affair. He is from a different caste. So hell broke loose in the house. I told my parents that I will contribute jewellery towards the marriage expenses. My older sister will not be able to contribute a lot because of her family situations and we are also not expecting much from her. My parents told us that we daughters are so selfish that we are getting married but not doing anything for them. They don’t have an own house. But we (me and younger sis) promised them that we will construct one after we get financially settled down little bit and also my younger sis will get a job. Currently it is not possible for just me to do so much.

Are we selfish? Is it not Parents responsibility to save money for children’s future? Should they not appreciate our efforts for not making them take loan and burden them with other responsibilities? My parents want a individual house in a particular area, whereas we don’t think we can afford 1 crore for land and 1 crore for construction right now. We told them that we can buy an apartment and they don’t like to stay in an apartment. My father says my daughters’ are so selfish that they don’t give us anything. Is it not a big favor that we don’t call them to say mom my in-laws and husband is expecting dowry and bother them for money?

Right now my younger sis fiancée is ready to share for the wedding and my mom is like why doesn’t your sister work for sometime and save for her whole wedding rather than asking from the groom’s side. I am really pissed off at this statement as my sis is getting old enough to get married.

I sometimes feel why my parents are so selfish. As a father there was not contribution for the family improvement. He will drink, drink and drink.

I know this must have been irritating long post for everyone.bonk But sorry for such a long post.

I hope I didn’t bore anyone.Drowning

sangeetha1982 · Aug 6, 2008

Hi

I am not very experienced..but thought I will nevertheless tell you my opinion.

You seem to be quite supportive of your parents. Your husband too does not object to it (touchwood). But there are not many men who openly allow their wives to five any financial support to her family. And that way, your parents should be happy that both your husband and your younger sister's husband are broad minded. I am not saying men are right to not allow or anything..i am just saying in most cases I have seen so far, men have not been very supportive of the women's side (may be I am wrong).

Try explaing to your parents, that you are very grateful for all the good education they have given to all the three of you and you do not want them to suffer and that you do want them to be comfortable, which is why you (and your younger sis) did not even bother them about your wedding etc. Tell them you will definitely buy them a house, but in the locality that they are suggesting, it is unaffordable for you. Tell them that a house would entail a lot of work for your mom too (as she has to clean the garden etc etc). Tell her she has worked so hard all her life. And in an apartment she will be close to a lot of people and it will be nice to have a lot of friends and all that. Tell them you are not being selfish and that you are doing everything you possibly can to please them and to keep them comfortable.

jaya36 · Aug 6, 2008

HI,
seems like your lifes reflecting mine but only difference is that u have siblings & i dont.
my father is not a drukard but hes a spendthrift,short tempered, beat the living daylights out of my mom, liar etc. but he did give me a good childhood(i guess) good education till undergrad.

I fell in love with someone at age 24 not from my caste.........tats it....my parents become my enemies.......i got married inspite of their opposition but my badluck he deserted me after a year of marraige(long story)

I decided tocome to US for masters.........my parents followed me.lived off my income.called me all sorts of names that I am worse than a widow since I am a divorcee & a bad mark on the society blah blah blah.they were happy that I was there to sort out their petty quarels & give them all the attention.dad wud take most money from me.

then I met my present dh.same caste.......better off financially........my folks still did not agree to my wedding whole heartedly.........I told them to part from me if they dont care for my happiness.

I am telling u my story coz there r selfish parents.........u just need to get ur priorities in life right & that doesnt mean u have to neglect them but dont let them influence ur life totally

hugs

Ria2006 · Aug 7, 2008

That's eye-opening. Parents can be mean and selfish too. I have never seen that so far. So its groundshaking for me.

However I do think somewhere your sister is only thinking about herself. If she thinks she should get married right after education. If your parents need finacial help. Why not do it for few years before marriage. I dont find anything wrong in that. Why this hurry to marry at 24. I feel its just okay age for working gal. Anyway after marriage, a woman's priority changes, and sometime people 's true color also shows up. A husband which is open to help before marriage may not be so after marriage.

You do seem to have understanding husband. You can only help as much your own capacity allows you. Your parents demanding 2 crore house is very irresponsible and selfish. But at the same time, You should do whatever you can without responding to someone's luxurious demands. So buy the apartment you can afford. And be stern when they accuse you of not helping them.

Ria

prithvikrishna · Aug 8, 2008

Sangeetha, Jaya and ria,

thanks for your reply. Jaya, I feel so sorry for you. My parents are not so bad. They talk somethings which hurt us a lot.

Ria,

My parents did not ask for a 2 crore house directly but when we offered to buy an apt, they did not agree. They said they would like to go to a individual house and current market price is atleast 1 crore.

I don't accept your fact that my sis is shelfish and thinking about herself. She paid all her college expenses by herself. My parents don't have any loans because of us.

I have been talking to my parents and also shouted at my mom for talking rubbish.

They have become quiet now. We will see what happens.......I keep you guys posted.

Nandshyam · Aug 8, 2008

Prithvi,

Thats really sad. But Thank God both you sisters have such an understanding partners in life. All you can do is, tell them frankly what can be done and what not. We cannot make a person happy if they are adamant not to be happy right?

So, dont take this to your heart and get stressed up. If your sister;s finacee is sharing, then as per their wish, let them go ahead with their marriage. Its their life. Whatever you can do, do so. thats it.

Settle on with your life, send them financially whatever you can whenever you can. When its destined, all you sisters plan and do something for them (like buying a house etc)