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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Caughtinbetween, Apr 29, 2016.

  1. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    My condolence for your mom's loss.

    Reg your in-laws and hubby ,they will not change.So after completing the course,if you go back and get a job also i don't think things will improve because your hubby is a momma's boy and spineless.

    Your Husband has to pass his condolence to your father.Its his duty.Put your feet down and ask him to call your father immediately
     
  2. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CIB, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. Cannot imagine how painful it must be to have to handle this drama while you've barely grieved your loss. My advise boils down to the same things I said last time. One thing at a time. You can't handle all of it right now. Think of yourself and only yourself. You deserve some time to grieve your mother. Husband and in laws, and their ego problems can wait.

    If your husband doesn't want to call your dad, you can't make him, but you can surely let him know how low he has fallen in your esteem. Tell him you are disappointed in him, as calmly as you can and leave it at that. Don't bother talking to him or staying in touch. The onus is on him. The more you try to make things right, the more you give him an opportunity to absolve himself of guilt.

    Please take back your documents from your in laws. You must keep control of your important personal documentation. Insist on it. Argue, fight, do what it takes. They have no business withholding your papers from you. You should be in a position to leave or travel at any time without informing them.

    I am glad that you are taking some courses while you are in India. If possible find a freelancing project to add to your portfolio. Make the most of the time you are being forced to spend there. Don't devote one moment of time and energy on your in laws. If they won't let you leave, you are not obligated to maintain the farce of a happy family. Keep to yourself. Treat them like unwanted roommates. Focus on your course, and reassure your dad that you will be fine. When you do talk to your husband keep asking him about your return date. Don't talk about anything else.

    Don't waste time thinking or worrying about those who don't deserve your attention. Be selfish. Spend every minute you have taking care of yourself and bettering yourself for when the right opportunity presents itself. Things will get better. Take care.
     
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Op, My deepest condolences. May God give strength to u and ur dad and ur brother. U were able to spend some days with ur mother, but ur in-laws troubling u at this time, is inhuman. Just be calm and invest time and energy on urself.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Condolences to you and your family, CIB.
    So, about two months you've been in India?

    Did you in one of the few conversations you had with your husband express any feeling for the fact that you were able to go and spend time with your mother?

    Did your dad or brother express to your husband something to the effect that they appreciate you were able to be there with them at such a time? That they understand it must have been hard for your husband also, and that it has postponed other stuff such as TTC, you getting a job?

    You were heartbroken at your mom's situation. As it turned out, you could go and spend time with her. And help brother and dad too. Did you show to your husband any signs that you are ready to come back home, and be with him and get on with your life?

    Your husband did tell you before you went that your in-laws will say stuff, and he cannot stop that. Could you use your "talk very less" nature and deal with those comments with mostly-silence, spend the requisite days with them and come back home?

    Why put your dad in a situation where he has to interact with them?

    You seem to be too worried about your dad, and less or not at all about yourself. You are calling your husband shravan kumar + Lord Rama mix, and stranger mamma's boy etc. Don't forget that very person finally sent you to India, and is managing by himself for 2 months now.

    If you are keen to return to your home and be with husband, and anybody is stopping you, that is a problem. If not, even in this time of loss, try to count your blessings - 2 months is more days than some people get to spend in India even over 2 decades.
     
    Amica and vaidehi71 like this.
  5. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    yes i am keen on my return but as per H it has to be decided by MIL. he cant ask her. she wants to call panchayat and when it happens everything will blow out of proportion . because of H only i am keeping silent otherwise i would have answered all her ques. I just want to keep0 silent and let the days pass as long as I am here .ofcourse its one of the complaints too that i do not talka lot but if i try to do it then again i have taunbts coming my way . at that time words just do not come from my mouth . PIl are quite adamant on calling family panchayat which will raise tempers , and i am afraid if my side of the family says something it would furhter complicate the issues. because when my PILS speak they are quite insulting . I told H long back that I am willing to come back . andf that i appreciate and respect his efforts in sending me to spend time with mom.he didnt speak to dad saying that its merely a formality so its fine if he did not .my ils told my dad that if i think that i can go back then its a dream . she will not send me as her son is suffering because of me . i think that its just a threat but my dad is scared . H will manage for as long as needed but he will not ask his parents i think . i am also worried about his health but he never talks about it . infact we spoke really less after i came back .its shocking for others but i dont think its so abnormal because its hyis nature too and he told me before coming to india itself that he will not call often so i do not complain later. sorry for the typos.
     
  6. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    yes i am keen on my return but as per H it has to be decided by MIL. he cant ask her. she wants to call panchayat and when it happens everything will blow out of proportion . because of H only i am keeping silent otherwise i would have answered all her ques. I just want to keep0 silent and let the days pass as long as I am here .ofcourse its one of the complaints too that i do not talka lot but if i try to do it then again i have taunbts coming my way . at that time words just do not come from my mouth . PIl are quite adamant on calling family panchayat which will raise tempers , and i am afraid if my side of the family says something it would furhter complicate the issues. because when my PILS speak they are quite insulting . I told H long back that I am willing to come back . andf that i appreciate and respect his efforts in sending me to spend time with mom.he didnt speak to dad saying that its merely a formality so its fine if he did not .my ils told my dad that if i think that i can go back then its a dream . she will not send me as her son is suffering because of me . i think that its just a threat but my dad is scared . H will manage for as long as needed but he will not ask his parents i think . i am also worried about his health but he never talks about it . infact we spoke really less after i came back .its shocking for others but i dont think its so abnormal because its hyis nature too and he told me before coming to india itself that he will not call often so i do not complain later. sorry for the typos.
     
  7. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    May God give you & your family the strength to cope up with the loss. Ask yourself.. are these people human enough and is this relationship worth saving?

    Waiting for the day when Indian girls and their parents would be strong enough to let go the marital relationship rather than letting go whole life, happiness & peace of mind to some monsters..!!
     
    KashmirFlower, jskls and yellowmango like this.
  8. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    May God give you & your family the strength to cope up with the loss. Ask yourself.. are these people human enough and is this relationship worth saving?

    Waiting for the day when Indian girls and their parents would be strong enough to let go the marital relationship rather than letting go whole life, happiness & peace of mind to some monsters..!!
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,what happened to his desperation for TTC? Earlier he did not want to send you because it would interrupt TTC ,now he doesn't have the guts to talk to his parents?
    May be this is for the best.Fatherhood should be based on some basic mandatory respect for the the mother of the child which is missing here.

    Do his parents know about his health problem?
     
  10. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    He plans to hide it as far as possible but it would be difficult once he is home . I am like keeping my options open . Don't know whom to trust and how much . When I asked him about his parents offer of signing on white paper and all he is like who told you that , don't talk like that stuff and all ,
     

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