I can't live like this...pls help!

Stillagirl · Jul 16, 2008

Hi,

I am a 25 year old and got [FONT=verdana,geneva,lucida,&quot][FONT=verdana,geneva,lucida,&quot]married[/FONT][/FONT] 6 months ago. My husband n i were classmates in a very well reputed [FONT=verdana,geneva,lucida,&quot][FONT=verdana,geneva,lucida,&quot]masters[/FONT][/FONT] institute. I hail from a educated modern family from an Indian metro and my husband is from a huge joint family (15 members in the house) from a town. We struck a cord and after lot of hurdles got married....though I was aware that this set up would be more traditional than how I lived, I was unaware by the extent of conservative nature. The grandmother shouts all day, there are 3 mothers in law, 1 co-sister and one has absolutely no say in the house. You have to dress how they want you to (I can wear only sarees), eat what they want you to and you're not supposed to talk loudly, no opinions and women are treated like an inferior community day in and out. I come from a completely different set up where my parents have taken my view on almost every matter. My husband and I are still great friends, but he refuses to move out....in fact he refuses to even consider these problems, which is strange cos he knew how I was and expecting me to have no issues here makes me wonder , does he know me at all? but the two of us are happy when its just the 2 of us...however, the fact remains that i dread goin back home, the politics, the coldness, the harshness, the shoutings....I work as well, so i'm constantly pressed fr time. If I aint in the kitchen , one mother in law gets mad, if I dont go out shopping for things, the other one gets mad...I am lost, I never pictured life this way.I used to be extremely independent and happy and opinionated, now I find that I am losing my identity.

Sometimes I wonder if I should leave, but it won't be because of my husband, we love each other deeply. What do I do?

roopadadia · Jul 17, 2008

Hi Dear,

I completely understand your situation, specially because of the stark difference between the two families.

Your husband will not find this a problem because he has been in such an atmosphere all his life...hence initially you will have to make adjustments.

List out the problems you have, then prioritise them and solve them one at a time.

Just wondering...since yours is a love marriage, you must have known about your husband family before marriage too...didn't you talk / discuss about it before. A

santoshini · Jul 26, 2008

Hi,

This is not at all uncommon in joint families, everyone face the same situations so dnt get panic. U both r happy right so that matters a lot.

U said u both are friends frm the beginning so y dnt u try to think 4m his side, ur husband was with his family say for abt 28-30yrs right so he must b loving his family the same way u love ur family members, right. After marriage u become a part of his family so he expects u to be happy with them, for ‘n’ no.of reasons your in-laws or his other family members are not in good terms with u the reasons behind may be many but did u notice this: u said they pretend to be good to u in his presence that means they have a softcorner for their son and are not prepared to loose him from their family, this shows their concern towards him.

I agree for a girl like u whoz brought up in a different manner would be difficult to face such situations but still this is life u have to face situations boldly. In love marriages u must be prepared to face any kind of situations coz u fight against family members to live with the one’s u love, so be brave.

In case someone in the family asks u to dress the way they like or cook or eat what they eat..just bear patience, u may get angry on me if I tell u to have patience but it’s a fact,just try to ignore unwanted things. In case u feel stressed out share with ur mom once u listen to her soothing words supporting u u’ll feel better, if tht’s not possible share with ur friends.

In joint families I guess u get very little time to spend together so don’t waste time in complaining to ur husband coz it rather leads to an argument, anywayz its understood he bear’s a deaf ear in case u discuss matters relating to his family so try to converse matters relating to u both, be happy. Moreover u r newly married so try to spend more with him.

In case u feel certain things unbearable, talk to him and make him understand how uncomfortable u felt so that he can take ur side and solve ur prob. Otherwise just keep all the petite issues aside and be happy. Afterall for the person whom u loved so much can’t u just bear this much to make him happy.

Take care, good luck.

lifeisbeautiful · Jul 28, 2008

sorry dont agree if u love him, bear it for him attitude. If he loves u he should make some adjustment too. talk it with him otherwise u will be bitter & resetnful if u make all the adjustments.

Pinky Chawla · Jul 30, 2008

Hi Still...
My god your story is exactly like mine, i think if you go through all my threads u will get to know me better, but yes with a little correction yours was a love marriage while mine an arranged one, and you get to spend atleast some happy moments with you hubby where as even this was missing in my life, coz my husband was ever involved with his neices, newphews, bhaiyas bhabhis his parents, I would hardly get to speak even a few words with him. But this was 17 years ago and now I regret my life was so bad and me being patient for that long. But now I think u shud wake up girl and unlike me dont regret later, I am not asking you to come out of the family but plan short trips only both of you, weekends always spend time together just go out no matter what the family thinks of you, just keep a big smile on your face and tell them both are going out, dont be rude to them but be firm and strong.
Love
Pinky

roopadadia · Aug 1, 2008

Hey Pinky, nice to hear from you after a long long time. Hope you are doing good.

Roopa

Stillagirl · Aug 8, 2008

Thanks to all who replied! I tried to follow some of them, we took a break one weekend and trying to get some quality time together! But it still scares me to think that my life will be defined by the "norms" of the society here....I'm still very unsure of my steps!

santoshini · Aug 11, 2008

hi
nice to hear tht u took a break,dnt get so scared..everything will b fine,
take care.

roopadadia · Aug 12, 2008

Hi Dear,

Take your husband into confidence and tell him that it would be great if he can help you and support you so that you can adjust faster and sooner with his family.

Don't look at the negative aspects as this will have a negative impact on you but see the brighter side of all and it will help you to sail thru smoothly.

Take care.

Iamagoodgirl · Aug 16, 2013

What was the name of the poster who had question why now a days women dont want joint family?
hugs to you dear.I dont know what to say.If i love any guy and he asks me to live me in big joint family after marriage i would translate it as he doesnt love me.I hate that joint family system so much.

Only way out i could see is job transfer his or yours.is there any chance of it?This guy is in denial mode because acknowledging your problem is first step towards the separate set up.He is giving more importance to his family than you.