Is only the wife resposible for maintaining the family balance?

purnima_2k · Nov 24, 2008

Hi Chitra,

Very well said "firm footing of mutual respect for eachother and both must work equally hard for its success".

Mine is a pure arranged marriage and as you were aware that I left my job and my studies in middle , left my parents, my home, my near and dear ones and went to the US after marriage.

Luckily since my husband was broad minded and a person who keeps up his word and with massive support from inlaws, I stayed in my mothers house for 3-4 months one year after marriage and completed my studies.Like you said, I kept changing jobs and went behind my husband wherever he went. But it was purely out of my choice and no force from his end. Also, I have no regrets in what I did , looking back, as the bond and understanding between us has increased(touchwood).

So to answer your question "Is only the wife resposible for maintaining the family balance? "-- I would say YES, at least to a large extent- not because the woman is the weaker sex, but because she is stronger and smarter, and if she does it , she does get rewarded, if not acknowledged! I have experienced it!

But I know, some men are chauvenists and treat wives like door mats or even worse case, some remain oblivious to whether the wife is suffering or not.In such cases, I would say, no amount of compromise is worth it!!!

Nice post,

Purni

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear Roopa, thanks. I earnestly hope you are not a victim of this double-standard!!
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Aishu, you have just satarted life. So, I think it is better that since you are also working, you express to him that you will really appreciate his partaking some chores at home.My generation could not do it for fear of being blasted by in-laws, just like what Traveller has written.
I am sure, R being a representative of the younger generation will volunteer & help you happily.
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear, dear Latha! We have to act like "fire-brands" at times, to expose the double standards. I am sure your MIL may not be a very elderly person, but still, to think that her thinking runs on such lines, is sad.
Latha, believe me when I say that I have really not bothered to know what kumar does in his house, how he helps Chitru etc. I gave them full freedom to arrive at their own equation. But now I really feel happy, every time, Chitru tells me " Amma, you have brought up your son so well". I don't probe, but feel happy with her words! I agree that mothers should not discourage and even encourage the sons to really help their wives in whatever way, they can.
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear Madhu, thanks for joining us here. It is really good to know about your working relationship.Even if his mother protests, the man must have the guts to make his mother understand that times are changing and we have to keep moving ahread!
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear Teju, the change has to come for one from "within herself"! Unless we change our outlook and accept that there is nothing wrong in a husband sharing his wife's work, the change will not come. We must change for the change to come!!
Love,
Chithra.

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear Purni, it was your choice and not forced on you by the spouse or in-laws. Perhaps, there was no financial constraint as well. But in most cases that is a problem too and ladies find it difficult to cope up with the pressure in both ends! At such times, help from the spouse is most needed & not an advice to resign the job & be just the home maker. Our socity still thinks of marriage as 51-49relationship only with the man having the edge!
Love,
Chithra.

shvap_786 · Nov 24, 2008

dear chitra mami

Very nice post... its obvious 50-50... this is what i'm seeing in my wedding life for the past 4.5 yrs... he helps in each and everything... we share almost every work we do... even though i'm housewife he feels its not i'm the only one to take the full house burden... even taking care of daughter also he does lot ... same thing continues even when i visit my inlaws during my vacation... my fil also helps my mil atleast during his weekends to somextent...

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2008

Dear vahee, I think your DH has seen a good example in his own parents and continues the tradition. You are really blessed. It is very nice & happy to hear a girl say, it is 50-50 in my case. May your tribe increase!!
Love,
Chithra.

Traveller · Nov 24, 2008

Chithramma,

My mil is 60+... she was raised in a different set-up where it was not uncommon for males to dominate. So she grew up expecting the same from everyone around her. Now I must be true and fair here.. she's not the type blaming her son only when he helps his wife... she's the same with her daughters. Once when she visited my SIL and saw her son-in-law helping she got upset with her daughter

For me it was a shock since in my father's family males helped without being told. Appa always bought vegetables on his way back from work, he took care of his clothes... it wasn't like amma had to be at his back.

All said and done, I am very glad that my DH doesn't follow the same norm as is common at his home. It surely took some time for him to be open about his role.. may be he didn't want to shock his parents in one shot. At our home, I don't have to tell DH anything.. he takes up responsibilities gladly. Y'day morning too he woke me with a hot cup of tea:thumbsup

Even now he tells his father that atleast in this age he must help my mil. But well I tell him even if he is willing, mil will not let him.. it's just the generation and their thinking.

Latha