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Is this husband using her for money and visa?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Heylo, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. Heylo

    Heylo New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am here to seek your opinions again.

    This time its for my dear friend who is in emotional turmoil.

    So my friend is westerner, amazing girl, smart and a scientist by profession. She has always liked Indian culture and Indian people. 3 years ago she started dating an Indian guy and decided to get married after knowing him for 1 year. The reason for the hurry was his visa issues and they needed to me married so he can re enter the country. I dont want to get into the details of his visa issues. Anyways due to visa complications, he remained in India for the next 2 years. She would send him money for his "survival' in India. He was staying with family most of the times or by himself in some city 'looking for jobs'. His family are not well to do so my friend felt compelled to help her husband with day to day expenditure so she would wire money every now and then. Not huge amounts but say 15-20,000 Rupees every month. Anyway he was very loving, funny, caring guy before marriage and when he was in India. Now he got his visa sorted, hes back in town and she feels he is very distant. Emotionally distant and not much care. Hes been back only for 6 months and this has been since day 1 of his return. His attitude has changed and hes not the same lovey dovey person anymore. Hes cocky, shady and emotionally distant from her. For example, if she goes to the doc he wont inquire about the result. He wont hug her, hold her or no attention towards her. To top it all he moved to another city as job opportunities in her city is not favoring him. She couldnt move because of her job issues. She wasnt happy about his move but he moved anyway saying its cause of job.

    Now recently, she found out that he has been having some online affair with some girl from his state (where his family lives). My friend did some digging on this phone and phone records and that's how she found out. When she msged that girls number that girl pretended that she was married and her hubby is friends with my friends hubby and there was nothing like affair. They are all just friends.My friend couldnt get more info from her. But she didnt feel satisfied so kept digging and asking her hubby for truth.

    After lots of tears and fights, he admitted to it but said it was only an online affair through some dating site he joined while in India due to loneliness. But it is to be noted that he has called this number a couple of times after coming back here for half an hour each time. When asked, he said it was just to chat. It was a mistake bla bla. She felt like she found answers to his emotional distance this whole time and his coldness towards her.

    She then got angry, told him she wants to divorce and basically leave him. He then cried, weeped said he has been distant because of stress in his mind etc. The online affair was due to loneliness and that he really loves her and wants to be with her. He is making her believe his misbehavior is due to bad influence from friends, stress, distance etc. Now she has double thoughts about breaking this marriage up and wants to give him another chance.

    My stance in this whole thing has been the same... feel like he was in it for the visa, put up a great act and misused her kindness and her naiveness. The reason I feel this way is because... when he was in India, he was barely holding on to any job. He would complain about how hard work was, long hours, meager pay etc. He doesnt have a degree so he was only getting call centre, waiter, salesperson jobs. He was living off her money every now and then. This made me feel like he was taking her for granted. Because he was born and brought up in India.. lived many years there so he very well knew these are how the jobs for his calibre are going to be and yet complaining as if he can only handle a executive job. If he was a decent guy he would have held on to jobs and atleast paid for his own expenses and not used her money. Second thing, Since he was living off her money he could have lived with his parents in his native and saved accommodation costs. But he didnt want to as he said he doesnt like staying with family due to issues so he preferred living in Bombay, Delhi and using her money for rent, food etc in the name of 'Job hunting'.

    What are your thoughts guys on my friends married life guys? I am worried about her but she trusts her instincts and says its all misunderstanding except his affair thing and she wants to work it out. I want her to be happy but I want her to be careful with guys like this. Until recently I tried being positive, but after his online affair thing I feel completely different about this guy.

    If my friend decides to stay with him, can you give ideas as to how she can test his honesty? How can she make sure he is telling her the truth?
     
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  2. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    This is not the first time Indian or for that matter other nationalities too have married foreign wives to gain entry in a country. Indeed there was a cottage industry of such girls at one time providing this "service" for a fee. This seems rather a complicated case .

    But I don't see how you or anyone else can help her - it is for her to take a stand.
     
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  3. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Long distance relationship is so tough to maintain and in most cases it takes time to rebuild the same closeness .Even if his attitude is not desirable and borders on exploitation ,its your friend who needs to make a decision.Better for you to not interfere with her marriage and extend your support when she requests.

    That guys visa is still depending on your friend?your friend is still supporting him financially? The marriage is well established back in india?

    There is a chance for that guy to have a girl friend back home ready to join him when he is well settled.The girl could be a partner in the whole scheme and the story about online affair(from the same state) doesnt ring true. Or it could be just a case of fallen apart emotionally with the prolonged separation.

    What you need to do is not honesty testing ,but to find somebody from his region to check his personal details.
     
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  4. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    So, how did he first come to the US? What was he doing here during the year they were dating?
    thinkingsmiley
     
  5. msindu

    msindu Bronze IL'ite

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    Tell her to leave him. He is using her for benefit. If he really likes her then why all this nonsense? She can find others much better than him. Why spoil her life? He is a bad name to us Indians. If he breaks her heart, she will hate all Indians all her life for what this idiot did.
     
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  6. littlehearts

    littlehearts Senior IL'ite

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    Either you or your friend has to keep a look on that girl. Or if possible, any one whom you guys trust who stay in India can go to that place and research for couple of days. Do online research before going to that place. Now-a-days every girl in India has facebook and whatsapp accounts.

    There are chances he might already got married to that girl in India, and planning to get her here after he gets settled with Visa issues. Research makes everything more clear and its good idea to research about him in his home town as well.
     
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  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    This is your first and only post. thinkingsmiley

    Did she ask for your advice?

    Trust her judgement till she invites you to offer yours. Be there to support her if she needs you. As a friend, that's all you can do.
     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Heylo,

    I am not sure what is the visa status of her husband as you have not narrated details. Normally, an American wife has to sponsor her husband by filing Form I-130 to make him an immigrant visa holder. He could become a resident through this process and become a citizen only after a waiting period. At any point in time, your friend should be able to withdraw the petition if it is not already approved.

    Any man who is not a graduate should be willing to do a job on a regular basis and work his way up in life especially when he has a spouse. If that attitude is lacking, she made a wrong choice. There is nothing one can suggest what is right or wrong and the best judge is the spouse. She has to make up her mind after determining the facts including what she found out about his affair in India. She has to have an open conversation and evaluate her options if it is not a long-term relationship.

    Viswa
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP ,your friend is very naive not to see what is happening here.
     
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  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Indian culture is rich and genuine.But same does not hold true with indian men.The man certainly used your friend for his visa and i doubt whether he disclosed that he is married to his parents. His parents will look for a indian bride and he will shamelessly marry her and leave her behind in India and come back.Ask your friend to set benchmarks for him and if he is not willing to meet any of those,then better divorce him.
     
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