Irritating Long Distance Relatives - Dooor ke rishte dar

Rith · Jan 6, 2016

Prachi.B said: ↑

Yes, Rith. Their BIL and SIL gave same excuses for the first time when relatives visited city at my friends place. So they never visited at their place.

But my friend and her husband are cool and calm person and hence relatives are taking their advantage by visiting every time.

There are many near by us who not dont good relations with parents and this people are like they are treating nicely with the dooor ke rishtedar also.

As time definetly she has decided to say NO for any picnic. But what about the shopping which can happen in sunday. How to avoid that.
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in this case, ask your friend to take rest telling down with stomach ache/ head ache. Her husband should also support that. If they work for one day from next time they will think. I am not against hospitality but i feel there should be some limit.

Prachi.B · Jan 6, 2016

Thanks Rith for your suggestion.

But this will also not work as she has two small kids and she cant rest whole day when kids are around.

Even if she says she is not well or having a headache, they ( relatives) will say okay you stay at home we will go with your husband. They are so cunning and the shopping will be done at as per their wish.:bang

chocolate · Jan 6, 2016

Op, They need to be blunt and keep packed suitcases at doorstep and when those relatives are about to enter say we are leaving on vacation and go to nearby hotel with kids. Stay for 2-3 days and come back. If they ask how long will they take say it may take a month or so. Next time, cite job work and take off. Do it 3-4 times and cut them off.Your friend shud tell her MIL firmly that entertaining them wont be possible as they come repeatedly without thinking about us.Your friend needs to take drastic measures to cut them off.Otherwise she will be fending to them for a long long time.Good Luck.

generic · Jan 7, 2016

I have been in a similar situation once with rishtedaars of in laws... I was in a very bad situation and not prepared for hosting anyone..I said a firm "NO"...many times in fact and made my displeasure quite obvious..This resulted in them being irritated for a while and talking ill of me which I calmly ignored...

I can perfectly understand how difficult it is for a working mom to entertain guests even for 1 day let alone such an extended stay.

Few solutions you can tell your friend to use:
1. Cutting off contact with such "leeches" who only want to take advantage of others generosity..Maintaining friendliness with them only makes them want to land up in your house instead of someone else's..
2. As soon as they contact you just tell them that you and husband going through very difficult time in job with high stress, no leaves etc and you wont be able to entertain them but would help them to book hotel rooms in the same city.
If they tell they have booked tickets, just tell them "sorry for the inconvenience, but not possible now, you could have asked me before booking tickets.This is a not a good time due to ....(list down issues that apply to you ).. they will try to request you..again say " sorry not possible, let me know if you need help in booking hotel rooms"...again they will say something..excuse yourself by saying that you have to do cooking or kid got up from sleep etc..and do not call back. Tell husband to do same. They'll understand you are busy.
3. Also if you have any health issues do exaggerate them and tell them that you are unable to cook or do household chores etc..this will alert them that you wont be able to look after them.
4. Tell your MIL that you do not like entertaining people like this on regular basis and she should convey message to them. follow the lead of your BIL and SIL...If MIL gets angry just ignore..or tell her to entertain those guests herself at inlaws place if she is so much interested.
5. Just say "NO" again and again. This is a word which I was not able to use for
a long time and suffered a lot..when I started using it only I got some relief.

Prachi.B · Jan 7, 2016

Thanks chocolate and generic for your suggestions.

Generic after seeing your post, i believe really there are many more people like this who take advantage of others.

As all of the relatives are elder my friend cant directly insult them. Even they are elder to her MIL also. Even i think my friends MIL should think about his son and DIL and MIL only should request the relatives. But quite surprised about the MIL behavior.

But i have told my friend all of yours suggestions. Lets see what happens in next month.

yellowmango · Jan 7, 2016

OP...if they are elderly and the direct approach won't work then she can try this.

When they inform that they are planning to come,she can say .....oh that is a bit of a problem,my parents are planning a trip that time,my brother,sister,grand mother ..this that.....whatever works.

The parents need not visit,if mil asks later,she can say they postponed the trip to some other time at the last moment .(may be next time the doooor ke rishteydaar call again;-))Do tell the parents in case mil decides to investigate .

StrongLady · Jan 11, 2016

I had this experience. Since I was not able to say no they would ask and come.
This time I let them come but I tried to just do what I do and not get stressed. Like previous trips I cooked specials every day of their 15 day visit. Took for shopping roamed selecting. Took them out on trip.

This time
Cooked special only the day they came and day they left. Rest of days cooked regular items ,infact did just dal.
Did my work , talking phone with friends everything as I usually do. Dint leave my works to entertain guests coz I feel coming someone house for weeks cannot expect them to entertain everyday
We went for trip and I selected what my kids like not as per guest.
Guest asked me for shopping, my kid had cold so I told that reason and all stayed home.

Next time if guest wants to come I decided to say come for 3-4 days

Prachi.B · Jan 12, 2016

Nice Idea. :thumbsup

But this time it will not work as already they have informed about the visit.
Next time definetly it will work.

yellowmango said: ↑

OP...if they are elderly and the direct approach won't work then she can try this.

When they inform that they are planning to come,she can say .....oh that is a bit of a problem,my parents are planning a trip that time,my brother,sister,grand mother ..this that.....whatever works.

The parents need not visit,if mil asks later,she can say they postponed the trip to some other time at the last moment .(may be next time the doooor ke rishteydaar call again;-))Do tell the parents in case mil decides to investigate .
Click to expand...

Prachi.B · Jan 12, 2016

Stronglady, yours is also a nice idea. :thumbsup

Living our own life and following our own daily routine, despite guests at home.

StrongLady said: ↑

I had this experience. Since I was not able to say no they would ask and come.
This time I let them come but I tried to just do what I do and not get stressed. Like previous trips I cooked specials every day of their 15 day visit. Took for shopping roamed selecting. Took them out on trip.

This time
Cooked special only the day they came and day they left. Rest of days cooked regular items ,infact did just dal.
Did my work , talking phone with friends everything as I usually do. Dint leave my works to entertain guests coz I feel coming someone house for weeks cannot expect them to entertain everyday
We went for trip and I selected what my kids like not as per guest.
Guest asked me for shopping, my kid had cold so I told that reason and all stayed home.

Next time if guest wants to come I decided to say come for 3-4 days
Click to expand...

Prachi.B · Feb 9, 2016

Thanks everyone again for giving suggestions.

Here i am with the update:

The guest visited by friends home, but this time when they called a week before to my friends husband about their arrival time, friends husband said only okay on the phone and disconnected. So they realized about the unhappiness of the friends husband.

So first guest landed in BIL home stayed their for some days. Actually their plan was to stay only 2-3 days and then move to SIL place. But as i earlier mentioned SIL gave some excuses and the guest have to extend their stay at BIL home. Then they moved to SIL and then atlast at my friends place.

This time the visit was for a short time but then also my friend had to take them for the one day outing. It cost them a lot but any how the stay was reduced.

Now my friend says she dont want to see the guest again. As even though they are rich they dont spend a single money during their stay and also never ever gift her kids anything. But the guest expect a lot from my friend.

So friends do you have any suggestions about the situation as my friend dont want to see the guest again in life.