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Evaluating pros and cons

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kimmy, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    I never mentioned that I am scared to be alone, I just said building a relationship to this level from scratch with another guy is scary.

    I need inputs from ladies to gauge what traits are acceptable and can be adjusted/tolerated and whats not. Obviously if you ask him he will say the following cons abt me so I am not Ms.Perfect. I mild and he can go to 2 extremes...

    My cons

    Very Sensitive
    Going longing periods without talking during fights
    Not resolving issues and dragging them too long
    Sulking and not letting things go
    Not moving on from negative things
    Negativity
    Giving importance to what others think
    Stubborn
    Talking same stuff repeatedly
    Never pickup phone and not easily assessible
     
  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    You can get 100 opinions or 1000 opinions. And some posters can write their opinion convincingly and others may not be articulate. But ultimately its your own decision since its your life - one way or another. My opinion - you know him, you think and decide without others influencing opinion.
     
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  3. kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    I am blinded by love so my judgment is clouded and hence this thread
     
  4. FreeAtLast

    FreeAtLast Silver IL'ite

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    Kimmy,

    you remind me so much of myself when I was younger and just started dating the guy I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. It's an exciting time you're in for sure, but it's important too because the decisions you make now could effect you long into the future. You mentioned not wanting to start from scratch with a new guy if you broke up with your current one. But if he is not the right one for you, imagine how much harder it would be to break up later on if things get worse. I agree, it is hard to think of the last three years as going to "waste", but you have your whole life ahead of you, many years, and you owe it to yourself to be with a guy who respects you.

    Here's my take on your situation. Some items on your cons list are not cons. They are huge, huge red flags. Mainly: controlling, gets angry, yells, isolating you from others, and scaring/threatening you.

    when you are young, this feels romantic. He has passion! But as time goes on, you will realize it's not passion, it's abuse. The fact that you are threatened and scared is not ok and is not normal in a healthy relationship. However it is the norm in an abusive one. And let me tell you from experience, it does not get better because it's not about you. It's about him and his need to control you. You said he's jealous, I'm willing to bet you have done nothing to make him jealous. He isolates you because he wants you to be dependent on him for emotional support. And the more dependant you are on him, the more control he has over you. You said he gets angry for "silly things". It might eventually feel like walking on egg shells because you will start being extra cautious not to upset him with "silly things". Then he will get mad for some other reason, and you will alter your behavior again to suit him, till you are constantly on edge and in fear of setting him off. See the vicious cycle?

    Every couple has disagreements. But feeling scared of your partner is a very bad sign of things to come. You said he treats you like a princess. Of course he does. If he didn't treat you really really well at times, you'd never put up with the yelling, anger, threats, control and isolation!

    It is your life and nobody can save you but you. You are having concerns, that's why you are posting here. Listen to your gut instinct. Sometimes our hearts can lead us into slaughter, but our minds often know the truth. If you do stay in a relationship with him, do not let him cause a distance between you and your friends/family because you will need their support when things undoubtedly get worse.

    Take care and good luck.
     
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  5. kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you Freeatlast,
    I get the picture loud and clear. My gut feeling kept telling me to run away but somehow i wanted evaluate.

    You are right ... sometimes it feels like walking on egg shells.

    My gut feeling is NO NO from the day he yelled at me and called me names and threatened ..

    Thanks to all for helping out
     
  6. FreeAtLast

    FreeAtLast Silver IL'ite

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    Kimmy,

    I was in your shoes 11 years ago. The difference is I ignored my gut instinct and married my abuser. It almost cost me my life. I can tell you with 100% certainty you are making the right choice to leave him. I was just like you, I didn't want to lose a guy who understood me so well and the time we had invested in dating. Guess what, now I've lost a decade. I'm separated and filing for divorce. Its not a situation you want to be in.

    I bet even if he starts the fight, you end up feeling like its your fault and you're the one who has to apologize. And when he does something really bad, he later says he didn't mean it and he's sorry and will never do it again. Right? How do I know? Abusers are all the same at their core. They may use different words, have different quirks, but the pattern and tactics are same. Women who have not experienced abuse may read your pros and cons list and tell you everyone has good and bad. But to a woman who has known an abuser, that list is all too familiar. Every couple argues about household chores, family issues, money, etc. you can expect that in any relationship. But abuse has nothing to do with that. It's a separate issue and unlike those other things I mentioned, there is no fixing an abuser.

    Please read the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. You will be shocked. You will read it and think, that's my life! That's what's happening to me! Once you understand fully what's going on, it becomes easier to handle their tactics and move on. He is not going to relinquish control of you so easily. Be prepared for that and lean on your family and friends as much as you need to. He's going to take advantage of nostalgia and try to pull at your heart strings to keep you in the relationship. He will promise to change. Just keep reminding yourself the names (and more) you would have to endure for the rest of your life if you stayed. An abuser never changes. but you would eventually change into a shell of your former self the longer the abuse went on.

    you only have one life to live, don't squander it in fear or sadness. I'm here to talk if you need to. You aren't alone.
     
  7. kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    You are so right FreeAtLast.

    He yells like so loudly on phone (as its long distance) and I am literally trembling on phone and in one hour he calms down and says that I triggered it and I should be more understanding blah blah

    Also he has said he wont repeat it but he does exactly the same. If I just become silent in agony, he says he feels like slitting his wrists, driving rashly and crashing the car etc. then i guilty of taking away the love and care and forgive him.

    One thing thats terrible is if he doesnt like me interacting with guys on fb and whatsapp he just forces me to remove them and block them. When i meet them at parties or outside its so embarrassing when they ask me why i blocked them. I feel so bad and stupid.

    He thinks he wins and he has achieved success in having me remove people but i just hate this attitude so much. Like i am on a leash.

    If i dont block the guys he despises he threatens me with some personal secrets.

    After sometime he is sorry and all but in anger he says and yells like crazy.
     
  8. FreeAtLast

    FreeAtLast Silver IL'ite

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    Here's a thought Kimmy. He probably tells you that you make him so crazy that he can't comtrol his temper right? But have you ever seen him lose his temper like that with his parents? Or his guy friends? Or at work? I'm guessing no. That's because he is in total control of his temper, rather he is just deploying his anger like a grenade to control you. It's hard to be assertive when you're trembling in fear. Hence the reason he throws his anger onto you. Abusers have lots of tools. Unleashing their temper is one of them. But another tool is the things you listed on the pros list. by treating you like a princess some of the time, he's effectively thwarting your internal alarm system. Your head is telling you danger! Danger! But your heart is saying he loves me, I will never find someone this romantic again. That's where it becomes hard to leave.

    the extreme yelling is no surprise to me. My ex used to yell at me so loud inside the car that my ears would literally ring. He was so loud that sometimes I couldnt even hear what he was saying because it was so loud. He would yell till he lost his voice and started coughing. Then he would blame me for "making him" lose his voice.

    You mentioned that at these parties you end up feeling bad and stupid. That's exactly how he wants you to feel. He tears you down so he can then be the one to build you back up with his "love". An abuser manipulates situations so he comes out looking like your savior. but he's not. Because had he never been in he picture, you would not be feeling bad and stupid in the first place. I used to feel bad and stupid all the time. Right now you feel that way in social situations, but an abuser is never satisfied and he will encroach on other areas of your life eventually. For example, he would have a problem with you having male coworkers. Would you be expected to quit your job? See where this is going? he wants to separate you from as many people as possible, because he doesn't want anyone to see what he is doing to you. He doesn't want you to have any exit opportunities. As for your female friends, he will eventually have a problem with them too. They will be "sluts" or they will be accused of "poisoning your mind" and he will get angry till you stop seeing them. Till he is your "one and only". See how something that sounds romantic actually becomes sick and twisted when you're with an abuser?

    Kimmy, you aren't perfect. You have your flaws. But they are normal people flaws. A normal guy will see you as a great girl, and the "annoying" things about you he will take it in stride. So please do not think for one minute that any of this is your fault. There is nothing you did that warranted the way he is treating you. I've been in your shoes. I know the instinct is to blame yourself. But don't. Just don't go there. It's not you, it's him.

    please reach out to your parents or a sibling, whoever you are closest to, and let them know what's going on. Tell them you are attempting to get out of the relationship and you need their support. You will be lonely, you will miss him like mad. But then one day you will realize.... you don't miss the yelling, you don't miss the fear or humiliation and from that point on it'll get easier. I still love my ex by the way, but I do not miss the abuse. There is light at the end of the tunnel Kimmmy, you just have to believe it.
     
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  9. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    Like most people are telling you rightly only you can decide,
    I would add another angle, why dont you ask him to make this kind of sheet about YOU and then you can both sit down and sort things out.
    Adjustments are necessary in ALL relationships and that is not because you are afraid, but because you love the other person , see his point and willingly compromise.
     
  10. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    seems to me like he will treat you like a princess when you agree with him otherwise he will become your worst enemy. you are mild mannered with issues of your own, work on improving them first. I don't agree to you taking easy way out either. A lifetime of such experiences is not ok compared to loosing say 3 yrs of courtship. You might do worst but might do better cause you are better experienced now. How is he interacting with your family and friends. Is he respectful, does he regard your opinion and ideas. would he get mad if you don't give him first priority in your life. Say your parents/sister etc need you and you are not there for him, will he through hissy fit and give you hard time about it. If the status quo never changes are you ready for life time of this ?
     

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