Chosing a husband, chosing to stay in a marriage

@Catwalk, I will clear some of it when I find time. I will send you a message.

 

Hi @FreeAtlast,

Heart wrenching reading your story. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you would have gone through during those years with the abuser. I applaud you for finally taking a step and getting out of the vicious cycle.
Its is shocking reading some of the incidents about your MIL and DH. Shocked such people and such families exist. I don't know any Rajasthanis but I have a lot of Gujarati friends & families and they are nothing like what your described. Your DH's family's behavior is not common or normal in indian fams, example MIL asking DH about your breast size etc. I also have two close western friends happily married to indian guys, one has been married for 15 years with 2 kids and one has been married for 3 years. They are not expected to cover their hair, or expected to live in joint families. Infact both of them love visiting their INlaws in India as they are treated like exceptionally well because their are non-Indians. The complete opposite experience to yours. I understand the number of years spent with your DH's family and experiences of few other Indian friends of yours has led to your belief that Indian culture is ugly. But your dh's family don't represent the entire Indian population. For example, it is so uncommon or unheard of to see Inlaws were openly ok with their son seeing prostitutes. While there maybe be some idiots to treat their women as second class, not all indian men treat or think of their women that way. A lot of posts you see on IL shows people ranting about their Inlaws or dh about everyday issues behind all that we have happy, respectful loving families, atleast most of us do. I also have a friend who is in an abusive marriage so Im not saying this doesn't exist in indian culture, Im just saying it is not a norm or its not common like you think it is.
Your post is great for all the people stuck in a abusive relationship. So kudos to you for putting up your personal story. I wish you the very best in moving forward from this turmoil and building a new meaningful life.

 

Freeatlast
i am glad you are out of the abusive marriage
best wishes to you
if you are ASG an earlier member here I am happy to hear from you.
your wedding experience is same as hers.

 

omg ASG it is you
welcome back
i was thinking of you. I am glad you are working now and the abusive h walked out.
you are one strong girl.
be proud of your accomplishments. Focus on the next steps.
Good luck to you.

 

Dear Freeatlast,

For some reason, you are nostalgic about a person who you should forget imho. It's not you who left him, he left you. Why remember such a person? Anything that is a reminder of a horrible past, I would discard it. I know it is very bad to say forget everything, you cannot. But such people are not worth remembering. Please don't feel sad about not having children with him, if you had kids, it would have been horrible. Kids don't understand adults behavior. To them all that matters is their protective shell breaking away and their innocent life getting destroyed. Just try to get away from such painful memories. I wish you get someone really sweet, and you are a lot more wiser this time.

 

Hey ASG,
we briefly met when you were still active here in this forum.
You had so much wisdom and your marriage was so full of romance. I remember reading all your posts, and tried to contact you for further advises. But you've gone inactive after a while.
I am sad that one of the most lively member who advised me during my tough time is suffering indeed.
I can so very well remember you, and I am still proud to say that your marital advises were so helpful to me then.
Today, I am bold, no longer naive, and really helpful for many posters with a bad marriage here. I am also happy and settled in my marriage.
But I am so sad that your marriage was suffering.

Nevertheless, I am happy that you are out of it. It is indeed a big relief.
Way to go girl... I didn't know that you were a white woman. I thought you were Indian, but born and bred-up in the US.
God bless you my friend

Regarding your case:-
Most Indian families could be the same with regards to gender discrimination, double standards when it comes to DIL and SNIL, and their decision to be rude against DIL's family.
Either a very naive and doormat DIL can survive or the bold ones can win the situation. But anything in between would be a problem in Indian set up.
What to do?

But your case is different. A prostitute mother and a ruthless family is NOT Indian specific. They are just wrong.
Such people are there in every corner of the world. Yours was such a bad fate to fall in love with such a guy.

 

@FreeAtLast Thanks for sharing your story here. Your analysis of what went right and what went wrong is excellent. You are a brave girl and have emerged more stronger from the experience. I am sure that you will find your happiness.

Please do not let him off easily. File for divorce and also for alimony. For 11 years of marriage, you should get a good alimony. Hire a good lawyer. Make sure that he has to pay from his future wages as well.

I am a Gujarati and from Bombay. You just found a very bad apple. Not all Gujarati's are like your in-laws or your husband. My husband and his family are outstanding. No one in the family drinks and till date my MIL or FIL has never talked to me badly or have taunted me in any way. We have a lot of close friends who are Gujarati and also have a whole community at the temple and I have not heard any stories of abuse or harassment. There are people in the community that have married non-Indian as well and I see their spouses participating in the festivals as well.

Just as in any population, there are bad people. Unfortunately, these people have dual personalities and unfortunately, some girls fall into their trap and have bad experience.

We also face some bad Caucasians who either harass us for no reasons or insults through body language or bad statements. But we know that these are few and not all are like that.

I agree with you that traditionally there has been a lot of gender inequality and disrespect for women in India and a lot more exists even today. But it is improving as women get more educated, laws are changing and thinking of the newer generation improves.

Wish you all the best for your future.

 

This post made me very emotional...and gives me a perspective. I have to agree to your observations though there are layers and layers of facts and evolution beneath what you are seeing today.

I am a believer of goodness at the root of any culture especially Indian culture as I belong there...

I do not know how to convey and hence will not attempt defending culture...

I still believe the trouble is caused by people (in this particular example large population of people over generations) and not necessarily any particular culture