Chosing a husband, chosing to stay in a marriage

Rihana,

thanks for your suggestion, I will write down the wrong steps here in this comment. But I disagree with you about the culture not being an issue. His parents are ok with the prostitutes because I'm white and they do not view me as his legitimate wife. They would never be ok with it if he was in a "real marriage" with an indian girl. Also the whole pressure to serve his parents like gods and live with them forever, that is a cultural issue. I have known so many indian girls who suffer in this joint family concept, so that was definitely not unique to me. The pressure to "take care" of them was relentless, even when we were so short of money we could not even afford a house or to start a family. I don't know any american family where the guys parents think they are gods and should live with the couple. Again if it's a cultural thing about respecting elders, that doesn't make sense, because it only seems to apply to elders of male children. That's not a value, that's a misogynistic tragedy. In the US we have abortion, but not because of gender. When you have a culture that devalues women, that spills over into relationships. How many men get treated bad by their inlaws? Indian parents know how to be nice, because the son in law is given respect. So when a girls inlaws treat her bad, it's not that they don't know how to be nice, it's that they choose not to be. And that choice is culturally accepted. If it wasn't, it wouldn't continue to be a problem for so many women. in the end, I'm not indian so I can walk away from the culture now, but I really feel for the women who feel disempowered by it. It's 2016 and women do not deserve to suffer in the name of tradition.

the mistakes I made:
He got involved with me very fast. Love at first sight. He wanted to move the relationship along quickly. I was so happy, he was perfect, I was caught up in a whirl wind romance! I now know abusers move fast to lock you into the relationship because they can't keep up the charming act forever. if someone wants to get married super fast, pause to think why. He did the same with his first wife. An abuser doesn't want you to have time to think.

the next mistake was not leaving when the abuse started. It started small, with him losing his temper and quickly apologizing. Calling me bad names. I blamed myself and tried not to make him mad. But with an abuser, it's not you. They will find any reason to unleash their anger on you. It's part of how they control you. After the abuse, they apologize like crazy and bomb you with love. The low you feel turns into a high. You keep sticking around for the next high. He seemed so sincere when he said he would never do it again.

my first mistake with his family was ignoring the red flags. There were plenty. The first was when his mom asked my husband about my breast size and to describe the shape to her. She basically reduced me to a sex object. Not appropriate and not respectful. In hindsight, I should have run. Instead I pushed it out of my mind. My mil sexualixing everything about me continued throughout the marriage. She viewed women as nothing more but their bodies. Then when they continued to disrespect me, I tolerated it. No matter how much you want to be accepted, never lose your self respect. Set boundaries. When someone crosses the boundaries, walk away. Once they learned they could say whatever they wanted to me, they only got worse.

i made the mistake of staying with him after he cheated. A cheater for the most part doesn't change. Basically the biggest problem was I expected someone who did not respect or value me to change. But people don't really change that much. If a guy treats you bad now, it most likely will never get better. Ever. It's wishful thinking.

never underestimate an abuser. First I allowed verbal abuse thinking he would never hurt me. Then he hurt me. Then he cheated on me. Then he started threatening my life. It didn't happen over night, but abuse usually always escalates.

what did I do right? I finally reached out to my family, friends, I got a doctor to help me with therapy because him and his family caused me to get depression and anxiety. I stopped responding to his communication attempts with me. I read about abusive relationships to educate myself and get clarity. And most important, I started to teach myself that I deserved better and I am worthy of love and respect.

i still love him. I had some of the happiest memories of my life with him. I will always love him. But enough is enough and when love starts hurting you, you have to ask yourself at what cost you will continue in the marriage.

 

Also I desperately want children some day and I couldn't bring myself to put a child into that situation. A boy who grows up seeing an abusive dad, will think that is the norm and treat his future wife like that. My fil is a violent jerk who is constantly drunk. My sil has been married twice. The first guy cheated her, the second guy is a raging alcoholic. When a girl grows up in a house with violence, she is more likely to accept that in her own future relationships. My sil has, I had, but I will be damned if my daughter grows up thinking someone has the right to abuse her. Likewise, I didn't want my son growing up with a disrespect for women.

My Husband at times had a soft and kind and loving heart. I'm sure there would have been moments when he could have been a wonderful father. But the times he gets abusive are so bad, no child should see that. So in the end I probably wouldn't have even been able to have a family with him. I would regret that the rest of my life. I'm so sad inside for our child that we will never have together. I had dreamed of him/her so often. But I pray to God that this all works out for me someday. To the women in an abusive marriage, think twice before subjecting another innocent life to the abuse.

 

Bruised,

divorce in India is definitely harder than in US. You are right in that nobody will look at me weird for being a divorcee. Had I been in India, taking this decision would have been even harder. Only you know what is right for your situation. Nobody can make that choice but you. I will say a bad marriage can happen to anyone... even the beautiful, educated, nice girls. In an abusive marriage, it's not your fault. An abuser would abuse any woman he's in a relationship. Don't blame yourself. Why did this happen to you? I wonder same thing, why this happened to me. divorce seems not common in your family. Nobody is divorced in my family ever either. My dream was to be with him till end of my life but what to do. Almost everyone in my husbands family has been divorced so they view getting rid of me and getting him married a third time as no big deal.

regarding the culture, one of my very best friends is a girl from south. In fact we even spent time together on my last trip to india. She cannot believe my inlaws. She says nobody acts like them anymore. However the North Indians I know are not so much surprised. I think india is too big to have just one culture. People think so much has changed, but I will ask then how familiar they are with gujarati or rajasthani culture. How much time they have spent in a remote village in Gujarat. Just because major metros have modern thinking people, does not mean all of India has caught up. For many women, including myself, backwards families continue to be a problem. My inlaws go around saying very proudly that they did not accept dowry from the first wife. But in next sentence they mention that she "came with" a flat in bombay worth $$$$. My inlaws lived in a major metro in India for a while but moved back to the village because they thought the metros were "too modern".

 

MsIndu,

maybe the legal process of divorcing in the US is easy, but the toll it takes on your heart and health is not easy. Divorce is emotionally terrible. I hate it. It's not easy for me or any American I know. But in regards to remarriage, yes that is easier here in US.

About researching... I think the best research is first hand observation. From the outside my husband is good looking, modern, charming, well educated, professionally settled. From outside his mom wears jeans, parents speak English, well off, modern outlook. It is not until you spend time with them in person that the truth comes out. I think if you spied on them you'd end up having a good opinion of them! But hearing how his mom talks about women, how his dad is a drunk, how at the age of 41 my husband has no house, no savings, and his sister pays his bills... the picture becomes clearer. But of course they do not advertise that to the world! When he writes reviews of the prostitutes, he is not using his real name. So, spying has its limit. But I think research is a good start. However there is no substitute fo taking time to know someone. Within a few months of being with him, there were red flags. It was my fault for choosing to ignore them.

With his ex wife, she was a divorcee and hence were anxious to get her remarried. They did not care to find out much or do research.

Bruised,

i dont think you were making light of my situation at all. No hard feelings at all.