1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Help Please!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sagesai, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. sagesai

    sagesai Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    57
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello All,

    I am a frequent visitor to this site now a days and I actively read all the messages in the forum. Now I have a problem and wanted to get all of your advices to help with solving my own problem.
    I am married for last 4 years and have a 2 year old boy.I am from a middle class family in India and working now here in USA .My husband is also from a middle class family but they earned money because of the increase in Real estate prices in India. Now they think very high of themselves and from the begginning of my married life, he always used to look down my family and myself. He never respected my parents from the begginning.
    He always complained about every simple thing.Even the way I talk or cook or to even the extent of how I brush my teeth. And he said all these in front of my in-laws too.He never allowed me to drive. He bought me a good car but never allowed me to drive. If I ask him why, he say's , I do not know how to drive and I may end up in a accident and that will increase the insurance prices.Never allowed to buy anything for myself but he will buy me the stuff without me going to shopping.Even during my pregnancy, he used to expect me cook breakfast, lunch and dinner and if I do not do it, he used to complain. I was very submissive at the beginning and never argued with him but only tried to talk to him thinking that he will change.But it never happened and it only increased from time to time. On top of all this, he drink's everyday and loses control. This is a very big problem.During my delivery my parent's couldn;t come because of VISA getting rejected and my mil came to my sil's place at that time and she offered to help us . But she only created more problems and left me alone after 10 days(I had C-Section by the way). My husband used to work late nights and I alone had to take care of kid and myself. Sometimes I did not have anything to eat or drink...
    And he says this is very normal in US and I am just asking for more.
    Then my parent's came after few month's. Till then I did not say a word to my parents but my parents when they stayed with us, they came to know by themselves and asked me what is going on and then finally I had to tell them whole story.They told me that I need to be firm and stand by myself and start driving by myself and do things by myself and still show him the resect and ignore if he comments anything again and they said they will stand by me and support me if anything happens. They also spoke to in-laws but my in-laws instead said he is doing all this because I am not capable enough.I work and earn in 6 figures and also do all the work at home and pick up and drop-off my kid to day care and never expect anything from their son. And after all this my husband says that I and my parents do not respect him. On top of this my sil always tell's him how hard working she is and tries to indicate to him indirectly that I do not do a good job at home.

    After my parents spoke to him and left, I see some change in him like he allows me take my kid anywhere and do some shopping etc. And also, he stopped little bit of nagging that I do not do this/that. And now he says that he is giving me freedom and I cannot say anything to him. But his drinking habbit is becoming a problem. He drinks and speaks a bad language every day and finally goes to bed. I am going into depression and I am feeling that it might affect my kid.My in-laws stay with sil and meanwhile, they try to create as many problems as possible.
    I talked to him and asked him if we can consult a doctor as far as his drinking is concerned , but he is not ready to do that. Please give me the suggestion on how to handle this type of behaviour and also in-laws.
     
    Loading...

  2. avireena

    avireena New IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    hi sag,

    i understand how u feel. its a good sign that ur husband changed a little. You explain him that u do many things indepentendly without his help. when u both r working let him understand that u r doing extra job than just the work. explain him that taking care of house kid etc are also his resposibilities. dont lose hope.
    keep trying to change him with love and affection till he agrees with you.
    all the best.
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,508
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Sagesai ,you are smart ,educated ,hardworking and a very good woman.You have let go in a few places where there was chance for you to assert your position. You let your husband have his say from start. I am not telling you need to assert yourself for everything.You are earning in 6 figures and yet couldnt get to learning driving. This is a red flag. Start by learning to drive.And do not let your husband dominate you. It can be you listening sometimes or your husband listening sometimes. But it cant always be you listening sometimes. You may start feeling suffocated in such relationship. I am telling this from my own experience.for starters learn driving,get a makeover. Take your kid for an outing on weekends . Try to do something independently. It will give you lots of confidence and a feel that you can do something by yourself.
     
  4. shefali75

    shefali75 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    I have never reply to any post in marriage section but i could not help myself.

    C'mon girl you tell yourself i am worth something ,you earn 6 figure salary, does he take your earnings you keep it for yourself?

    Most important thing i could say is learn to drive it is very easy it will built your confident. i am talking from personal point of view , my husband is always busy since he's self-employed he cants close everything down ,so what i have decided not to ask him for anything myself and my son we just go every where ,swimming, golf lesson , nursery .so if you start driving don't bother with him ,,and he will come around easily ..
    one thing i have told everyone is my son is the most important person in my life ,,spend time with your son take him to park ,play group there are lots of activities for toddler.Dont restrict yourself by not driving.give importance to yourself and your son then every one comes after .

    Take care of yourself
    Regard
    shefali
     

Share This Page