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SIL Issue again

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Cool10, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, I don't have any advice for you as your situation is tricky and I don't know how to handle it....but lots of hugs to you....kudos to your parents.....it's very important to make it clear that ur family support is with you....otherwise mostly parents advice their daughter to adjust only ,some goes to extent to breaking the back of their daughter by telling her that she is wrong in taking stand against in-laws or husband....
    One thing which I noticed in ur thread is why everyone follow ur sils orders....like she said to ur bil and cosis that don't sleep in same room as it is shameful but why did they follow her advice???They should have ignored her and continued sleeping in same room....why nobody is taking a stand against her stupid logics....
    When you saw that she has taken your stuff out of your cupboard ....at that time itself you should have questioned her and told her to keep your cupboard as it is....
    If you will not take stand for yourself nobody will do it for you....
    Lastly keep calm, enjoy ur time with baby ....things will sort out for sure....
     
  2. maya9876

    maya9876 Silver IL'ite

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    Wow ur SIL seriously sounds like a piece of work!
    Its great ur parents are supportive, kudos to them.

    I agree with what everyones saying here about demanding to put SIL is another house so u can have yours back. Hope that works for you. But it is also important you are not away from your hubby for too long or else they could brain wash him and make him even more distant from you or even despise you. How is your relationship with your hubby normally without ILs issues. Is he good to you? Did you guys have a loving relationship ? If yes then I would suggest biting the bullet and going back to his house (if the first option of demanding SILs separate accommodation doesn't work). Upon moving back try to slowly convince your hubby about the issues and try to sway him to your side. In front of him act in a very nice way to ILs, when they fight act very quiet and don't say anything back. I know this sounds regressive but sometimes its important play some games to win over evil people. This way your hubby will take pity on you and start supporting you. If this doesn't work you always have your parents house to go back to. You can always move back with your folks. But staying away from hubby for too long can make him forget you. This is only my opinion. But also keep in mind your health and your babys health.

    Takecare and I wish you all the best. Keep us posted on developments :)
     
  3. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm terribly sorry to hear about your circumstances OP and you've already received a ton of great advice on here and furthermore, the support from your badass parents (love it!), and I can hear that you're trying to be as level-headed as you can with all of this hot mess. Good going!

    Like others have pointed out — there is a lot of trickiness here in dealing with your husband and convincing him to make her move out (I apologize I haven't read/don't recall your other threads on how she wound up house hopping but if she's making herself come across as vulnerable then well, you know how men rarely have emotional defenses against that sort of heart-string tugging manipulation especially if it's by their own relatives...and especially if he's an elder brother...then he's got that over-protective streak, too.). If she's married, then has she had a fight to drive her out of her home? In that case, he may think that he'd be abandoning her (like her husband or whatever other circumstance that preceded this) by listening to you and asking her to leave.

    I am concerned that your actions may be perceived as stubborn and hope that your husband doesn't wind up thinking the wrong things. The fact that he came over to speak with you/your parents is good but I feel like perhaps you could do something so you're not labeled as stubborn yourself.

    Do you speak to him daily? Send him pics of your kid to remind him on what he's missing? I wonder if he thinks that the ball is in your court now. When speaking to him about her moving out, then have you both talked about alternative plans? Have you asked him that even if you agree to come back, how long does he plan to allow her to live at your home? I think that's what I'm missing here...I don't understand what his stance is in all of this or what his plan is (if any). Is it "She's my sister and she can live with me anytime, anyway, however long...even forever, no matter what it costs me" or is it "She's just living here till she gets over [whatever crap she's going through in his mind]". You've probably already done this but I'll just say what I'd probably consider if I were in your shoes:

    I'd empathize with him saying that I understand how difficult situation must be for him and that you've known him to be a good family-oriented man (and whatever else you think is worth mentioning from the time you've spent together...key is to remind him that you and he share a bond and remind him of what he's missing out on without you). Let him know that you have exhausted your reserve of patience and effort with his sister to no avail. Apparently so have your co-sis and BIL and look where it got them? Let him know that no one likes to hear anything against their family but does he really truly honestly believe that any woman would be happy living in an arrangement like that? Would he be okay if your sister or brother lived with both you and he and did whatever the equivalent of his sister has done to you and your home? Press him to answer but do not answer for him. You want to plant seeds for him to think through this from a less biased, over-protective elder brotherly perspective.

    I'm in no way trying to diminish the sacrifices and struggles you're having to face because of her...but I just wanted to iterate the fact that you must not let him forget the bond he has with you and also to give him a sign that you're listening, trying to solve this in the best interest of your marriage and family, and you're open to [better] suggestions. Not completely shut off and stubborn, because that could be twisted into something that could further distance him from you. Understand that it must be stressful for him as both a brother, husband, and a father, too....but he is a husband and father to a family that misses him, needs him, and would like to be with him. I would ask him what his plan is. I would consider moving in if he has a plan of action that I agree with and am part of. This plan of action should include boundaries for your sister (none of that staying in your room or using your stuff without permission. You need your space. You will not be giving up your bedroom and personal belongings or your bed for an indefinite period of time. If she's to live, she will live as a guest...and whatever she's moved around or redecorated should be put back the way it was. She will do her own laundry and help out with household chores. She will try to find a job to become financially independent and she will have to start searching for a place to live). Your husband's plan should include a strategy and deadline for his sister to move out. He won't feel good about it. No one would no matter how crazy their family is, but t's necessary steps not only for your family but for your SIL to move on with her life. Call it tough love. You've proposed a perfectly good long term solution for your SIL and if he's not going accept it then fine he'd better come up with a better proposal that you will accept because you are not willing to invite marital mess that your SIL has grown a reputation of making. You need your time, space, and alone time with your husband, too, especially as a young mom! Have your husband propose a solution for this if he really wants his family back.
     
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