1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Passive agressive Sister-in-law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by maya9876, Jan 18, 2016.

  1. maya9876

    maya9876 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    112
    Likes Received:
    88
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Everybody,

    I have a problem that's been eating me up and so I decided to start this thread so I can get your opinions on it.

    I have been married for a few years and have a lovely husband and a 2 year old son. My husband is very supportive, understanding and an amazing partner. He has an elder sister staying overseas. I am going to list out a few incidents so please tell me if you think im over thinking it. I just want to mention that I want to have a good relationship with family members, Im not the kind of person who thinks I should take my hubby away from his family because the family is great and I want us to have and keep all relations. I want my kids to have all relations and I want to be there for them too in their good and bad times.

    Anyways here is the list:
    1. From day one since our marriage I felt like she was competing with me. Just before our marriage when I went to her house, she took me to her room and showed me the sari she was wearing for the wedding and said it cost me so and so (expensive).Which I found weird as we weren't talking about it and I didn't need to know about the price. I felt like she showed just to let me know how rich she is.

    2.Moving on, anything I would wear (casual clothes) she has one look and says ' oh I have the exact same thing'! (happened 4 to 5 times within a short period.

    3. Whenever we are all together as a family she always brings up "memories" that I don't know about or that happened years ago before I entered DH's life. she says in a way like I missed out and I'm not part of such "fun" memories. I feel these repeated memories she brings out is isolating to me as I wasn't part of it. Initially when she would bring it up I would enjoy these stories but slowly I started feeling like she was doing it to isolate me especially as it has happened so many times. This is not just once or twice but every single time we meet and almost every single day too.

    4. Every time we are on vacation and visit US(that's where DH's family is from) we stay in our InLaws house. SIL stays 5 mins away from Inlaws place and visits everyday which she does normally too. She still expects us to visit her house and 'spend time with her' which I don't understand as we do the same thing when she visits us at InLaws. When we visit her house she doesn't offer us anything special as you do for guests. She will be eating something and she will ask us if we want just once, if we say no she will leave it. I know this sounds petty but if guests visit our house, any guest I will make sure they are well fed and definitely offer them sweets or savory etc. So I find it awkward that she doesn't do this especially because we are visiting once in a year. Once she asked me if I wanted water, I said 'no thanks' she replied 'oh good then I don't have to get up' !. I found that rude. Because of these factors I don't enjoy visiting her as much especially as she comes over everyday when we are there so in my head its the same thing. She will then complain to MIL saying we don't visit and we are not bothered. Which my hubby feels bad about. So I decided instead of goin to her place as I feel awkward and unwanted lets go out for dinner with them so no expectations of hosting and we can all catch up over dinner. DH did this , she said cool and then 1 hour before dinner when we were all waiting to go (we were all dressed up) she called and said we are not hungry now we can eat after 10pm if we are hungry. 10pm is late for us which she knows as we had other plans with friends. Another day we told her come for lunch at InLaws we will all eat together, we usually eat by 1pm which she knows. We waited till 2 and no show. At 2.30pm hubby called her to ask when shes coming she said 'oh im not in the mood you guys eat'. DH asked her 'y didn't you msg? we were all waiting'. Her reply 'I was busy sorry, I just sat down to relax watch tv. Hubby said 'ok we wil wait you come now '(shes only 5 mins away). She was like 'no Im not in the mood.' IS it just me or is this odd behavior?

    5. When I first got married, 1st week we were at Inlaws place everyone having lunch and servant was serving us. Only inlaws, SILs, DH and me. I sat in the table with everyone to eat and SIL said 'oh you know when we got married our mom will never allow us to eat with our husband. Our mom has told us to first serve then eat. I felt she was telling me indirectly that I cant eat with them.

    6. When I asked her once , where can I get cheap basic tshirts from? not expensive as its for home. I told her a budget. She replied ' oh I never buy clothes with such small budget so I don't know where that kind of shops are.'

    7. She drinks alcohol when they have house party and invite us too. Hubby her and everyone will be drinking. I don't drink so she makes fun of me in front of everyone saying ' if you don't drink you are not good company' and 'I find people who don't drink boring' etc.

    8. And one last thing, the thing that hurt me the most. Months before our wedding when we decided on a wedding venue ( my parents were conducting wedding so their choice). My parents took me and DH and DIL, MIL to the venue, all were happy and we booked it. Months before the wedding she called me and said how the wedding venue is not nice blah blah inspite of knowing that venue deposit was already done and there was no changing it. Which I was reminding her as she was saying it but she didn't stop.


    The list can go on and on and on but this post is long already (sorry about that). Can you guys please tell me if I am imagining her passive aggressiveness ?

    Infront of my hubby she gives me compliments and says sweet things but when hes not around her behavior is really different. When he's not around she only brags to me or puts me down indirectly by indirectly commenting on my choices. This is her behavior pattern which changes depending on if DH is next to me.
    My friends tell me shes jealous of me that's y she feels the need to compete with me and isolate me etc. Because of her behavior I feel super awkward around her. I become very silent and dull. She notices this and tells hubby 'oh looks like your wife doesn't like me around you guys.' (very innocently).

    Tell me guys what are your thoughts on this? How do I deal with her when I meet her next ? How to handle if when she starts talkin "memories" and Im left alone? Or when she starts bragging about what she owns and what she does bla bla.
     
    Loading...

  2. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    931
    Likes Received:
    1,352
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Your problems are mostly imagined...

    However, your SIL is waaaay too moody...

    She was just excited to have you around and wanted to bond with you the way we do with our girl friends... might have overdone the price part... but you can let that slip

    I see this as an attempt to "include" you .. and not exclude you.. she wants you to what you DH's childhood was like. Life with sibligns before marriage is and will always be fun... we too remember our childhood days fondly. Doesn't necessarily mean marriage has put a full stop to fun days.

    Reasonable expectation in a so called 'close knit' family ... why don't you just plan to camp at their place along with your ILs for a couple of days when you visit? you can also demand your SIL to make your favourtie dish as you are visiting.. people like your SIL would love such demands especially from her SIL ...

    if she said this in a joking tone... nothing seriuos at all... she is just trying to say how her parents are happy to bend the rules for you...in a way she is conveying that you are being loved and cared for...

    These display a "real mean streak" in her... this is when you really have to put her in place and show who the boss is... make your choices sound more superior to hers and she will never attemt these tactics with you..

    say I am truely amazed at the way they bring varieties at such low costs ... I'd love to try these ... do you know where to get it?? when she delivers a dialogue that she never buys cheap... have an animated conversation with someone else on the topic... and buy these Tees anyway ... wear them in front of her and flaunt too...

    on drinking... say you have certain 'basic principles' in life and you don't drink as a 'principle' you have set yourself... nothing against people who drink ..

    I too do not drink but can have interesting / light conversations on the topic with anyone... many people have wondered how I can be in the non drinking group or I am just putting up a show in front of my ILs... but over the years they have realised that I do not drink as a 'principle'

    you should have said ... it's a pity you don't like such a lovely place.. looks like we don't have similar tastes and likings..... cut it there and move on to the next topic never giving an opportunity to talk about the wedding venue..
     
    4 people like this.
  3. nehakhetal

    nehakhetal Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    35
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Simple Solution : Just ignoring all these things and not thinking about it will keep you away from all those headech.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    OP...you meet her for a few days only,so just ignore her.

    If that is hard to do,then....

    When she brings up memories ...sit next to your husband,look at him lovingly and say awww and lovingly hold his hand and whisper"I wish I had known you then.."or "I love listening to these stories about you cutie pie".

    When she brags...look bored and change topic or find something more interesting to do.

    If she talks about drinking ,smile and tell her,"I can be interesting without drinking".
     
    3 people like this.
  5. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    642
    Likes Received:
    518
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    If some one brags non-stop about their past, they are not content with their present.. I guess your SIL is depressed..
     
    4 people like this.
  6. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    621
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I have to say I'm having mixed feelings after reading through this.

    The SIL seems a bit petty with the whole budget, dropping price points, and claiming to own the same things as you. That part is a bit easier to ignore.

    I do agree with swt.charu that the story sharing and having you over seems fine (I think when people spend time together once every blue moon then these memories are bound to come up...try not to think of it as her trying to exclude you) — you can listen in but if it helps the situation feel more balanced then feel free to relate memories that you and your family are now making together, too.

    As far as the good hostess part goes — The good thing here is that she asked even if it was only once. Maybe it's a cultural thing but one thing I've noted about whenever I visit most folks in India is that there's a lot of repetitive "have something" and pressure to eat at one's home...and basically not really taking "no" for an answer. Out here, you try to be a good host and you'll ask once or twice but you also don't want to pressure anyone. So I don't know if that's at play with her here but that's what came to mind for me. Don't take her remark for "not having to get up" to heart. I see that as a comment I'd probably say to my own siblings, too (half-jokingly at least). I don't think I'd be comfortable eating around someone who won't eat/have something with me, though, and say that as much.

    Regarding you getting heat for not drinking. Good lord. :roll: That thinking of hers sounds so cliche. Just say your personality doesn't need a crutch to be fun. (Okay okay, you can probably be more diplomatic than that if you'd like...but I would certainly have response ready for her and anyone else if they try that in the future).

    The venue thing — I probably would have laughed and said "Well, sweetheart, as you know...that ship has sailed and it seems that you're the only one to think that way." laugh1smiley

    Chin up, OP! You seem to have a lot going for you and every household seems to have...that one person. Thankfully it's just the SIL :-D You just can't win 'em all and that's okay!
     
    NeetaR, maya9876 and yellowmango like this.
  7. maya9876

    maya9876 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    112
    Likes Received:
    88
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello all,

    Thanks a lot for all your opinions and suggestions. Some of you have said Im over thinking certain things and Im happy to hear because that means I can hold less grudge against her. I want to let go of the negative feelings I have towards her because of these incidents. Moving forward I will try and take these things more lightly.

    @indoc you are spot on in a way. She is depressed as she has troubled married life. Her hubby has issues with her weight, her dressing, her drinking etc. She feels a need to compete with me on these things or put me down in these matters.

    I will tell you guys another incident of her passive aggressiveness. My FIL was sick. My huby traveled there to be next to him but due to work I followed a week later. When I landed hubby picked up and we went home. As we entered home she was in the stairs to first floor, I could see her legs, she could hear us but she didn't take a few steps down to come say hello, how was your flight. She just stood in the stairs pretending to talk to someone upstairs and not even look towards me. I was deeply hurt as I felt I couldn't even get that much from her.

    She also feels the need to put my hubby down in front of a group if her hubby's around (who has a massive ego). She will say things like 'oh my hubby is soo handsome. My brother is nothing compared to my son and my hubby (this was two nights before our wedding). My dh just ignores this and pretends alls well. I feel a pinch when she passes comments like that. I wonder if its just me or if that's plain rude.

    She open her mouth only to brag. Any sentence is coated with brags about her life, travels or things she bought etc. She does this by putting others down and I feel its hard for me to deal with. This is causing a strain in our relationship.

    When I call her to speak to her once in a while she will speak for 5 mins and say shes really busy shes got to go she will call later. When she calls back she will talk for 5mins and say shes really busy shes got to go. Every single time. because of this I reduced my calls towards her. This is not same with my hubby She can talk for 2 hrs straight without any busy'ness.

    If my hubby sends some photo of us together on bbm group, she will msg 'oh my son saw this photo and he said your(mine) hairstyle is not nice, my son said your(mine) dress is not nice etc etc. Her son is 5 yrs old!!

    Tell me guys how do I deal with this attitude? Not saying hello to me even after me travelling across continents, not having time to talk to me on the phone, putting my hubby down in front of others. Hubby gets annoyed but wont say anything as he doesn't want to fight. He wants calm and peace always.
     
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,628
    Likes Received:
    1,408
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    op just ignore.Once in a while give her back.Cut contact with her.
    Remember behind all that putting you down she has lot of jealousy towards you.
    If she says her son says your hairstyle is not nice.type thanks for showing mistakes.Be sarcastic.
     
    monita and maya9876 like this.
  9. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    931
    Likes Received:
    1,352
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    You don't seem to be taking her out of your mind at all.. your mind is full of your SIL..

    happens sometimes in our lives...there always is that one person whose attitude nags us whether they are present or not..

    Consciously avoid thinking about her... maintain a distance... don't call or entertain her call beyond "hello, how r u, i am fine, you are fine" topics..busy yourself with people whom you value the most... if it helps, vent out to your hubby and flush your frustrations out of the system. More often than not a vent to DH gives you a certain level of peace and you can start your day afresh...
     
    3 people like this.
  10. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    621
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I actually think this is fine given that the alternative (of her showing TOO much affection towards her brother or trying to snatch inappropriate amounts of his attention) would be a little too weird for me. I've read/heard/seen some weird sibling crap happening and I'm happy to inform you that incident seems in the normal range. gigglingsmiley Yay.

    Okay, on one hand...YES. It's petty and a cheap shot to use her son/his words like that to put you down. Does she speak this crudely with any other family members? The silver lining here is that your SIL can't help herself but acknowledge you...even if it's in a negative way. If I were you, I'd be tempted to reply with "I'm so touched that you two spend your spare time discussing my fashion choices! You must really care about me." or "It sounds like we have a hairstylist in the making!" This is a classic example of someone who needs to put someone else down to make herself feel better (ever hear of crab culture? Or crab mentality? It refers to when crabs are put in a pot and if one of them nearly makes it out, the ones near them/below them will grab hold and pull it down...because god forbid that someone actually rises...). But you know what? None of that will work to fill that empty void she must feel. Must be incredibly exhausting and depressing to live a life like that. If it really truly bothers you, then ask your DH to not send any photos without your having approved it so your SIL doesn't have anything to go on. If her behavior persists and she's on any of your social networks, then make sure your photo permissions are at the bare minimum for her (e.g. profile pic, cover photo, etc).


    Yes, she could've extended a warmer greeting but if she doesn't then let it go. She and her actions are not in your control. What you DO control is yourself, your actions, and your mind. So heres what you can do to deal with this: Try lowering your expectations of her bit by bit. Also, cut yourself some slack. You shouldn't bother going out of your way or bending over backwards for her either. I realize it's hard when you want to do your best to keep relationships rosy but sometimes you just need to accept a prick being a prick. Just try to cease giving her so much importance in your thoughts and actions. Do the bare minimum at best until you see a reason for going further. And remember, your mind is the most valuable thing you own. She doesn't deserve an iota of space in it.

    I have a pretty wretched relationship with my SIL (DH's elder brother's wife), too, and thankfully, it's just her. Everyone else I get along great with and there's no drama. She's been the kind where she will eat alone or serve food to others without ever...EVER... asking me after having flown out 6-8 hours to visit her home (and yes, I was standing in the kitchen trying to help her, too). It bothered me immensely the first two years and I avoided venting to my DH because I didn't want to pull him in the middle of it. After 2 years, I got over it (Been married for 4 years now). Part of it was attempting to fix it to no avail, part of it was standing up for myself and giving myself the permission to say "No, I'm not going to go out of my way anymore", and part of it was just keeping myself occupied and focused on other things (not that hard since work pretty much takes most of my time), and part of it was having opened up to my husband about it. It took my husband a bit to realize and acknowledge her actions being passive aggressive towards me but now that he sees that no good deed of mine towards her/his brother has gone unpunished, and when my DH tried to confront her about it — not only did she and my BIL totally deny it, but she began treating him the same way, too. So he's finally at a point where he won't tolerate any of her actions and nor does he expect anything of me, either. He only maintains a relationship with his brother now. I realize in your case that she's his sister...but if she *really* goes out of her way to do you wrong (which I haven't seen/heard anything that's waaaay out of line yet) then I would say that let your husband witness this and for the incidents where she *really* steps out of line, make sure he knows (it's best if he's there to hear/witness it himself). He ought to be aware of what's going on.

    Hope that helps, OP. Hang in there and try to shift your focus to more positive, rewarding people/aspects of your life. :2thumbsup: It confounds us when we're mistreated for no apparent reason and it sucks but just accept it for what it is and move on.
     
    2 people like this.

Share This Page