Are we feeding their ego?

Explain to them that you get to come and go as and when you wish otherwise you would be visiting them less ,depending on your husband's availability rather than your wish .

 

It happens with me also. Whenever I visit my parents unannounced/without H, they start assuming that something is wrong between me and H (in my case though this has happened in the past, when I stayed with parents a couple of times due to serious issues with H). Over-time however, I believe this insecurity will subside and they will be more relaxed. My H has never shown any signs of boredom/reluctance in visiting my parents. In the initial days of marriage, I had strict instructions from my dad that before I visit them, I have to inform them so that they can make the arrangements. This was a wrong practice and I stopped informing them gradually. If in the presence of my H they start hyperventilating in terms of ordering food, serving n. number of things in front of him, i stop them there and then diplomatically (like I tell my dad that DH would love to have maa's baingan ka burtha with jeera parantha than outside Chinese food).

 

A married couple is always considered as one, one family. So either a husband or wife's visit without each other is always considered incomplete. It is like part of the family is missing.

Given the fact that you had family issues, which is known to others, this "missing" would be taken as a matter of friction. If there is no bitter past, it could be buttered as "busy with work, outdoor trip" kind of reasons.

Nevertheless, there is no need to hide the truth for the society. If SNIL is not in good term with PILs, there is nothing to hide it. It should be treated as if how a PIL would be explicit about the DIL who fusses to attend any functions at PILs place, but makes the husband (son) to attend alone.

People often confuse a H & W relationship with that of a DIL & PIL or SNIL & PIL. These are completely 2 different sets of relationships.

Me and my husband have a great marriage. But I don't gel well with my in laws, and my H won't sink with my parents' family. We maintain a moderate relationship with each others' extended family, but individually we are too close with our family of origin.
Eg: If there is a function at my sissy's place, I would be the first to attend there, do all the works, and stay there for many days. My husband would visit just in time. Which makes everyone's life easier.
Similarly, if something important at in laws, I would be the last to visit. That to for the sake of visiting. This wouldn't stop my husband from extending his fullest support and presence at the function there.
But at the end of the day, me and my husband understand this very well, and enjoy our lives.
When we project a very decent spousal relationship outside, no one would dare to suspect anything bad about us. Regardless of our silence or absence of in laws' family matter. JMO

 

Hi op,

parent like our visit, but they r worried more about society what others think, she came without H.

even in olden days, I don't believe that women were taken financial and emotional care. But they didn't have any other way , so they were compromised with what they had, without fighting much for their rights. Women parents tried all ways by giving respect to him(for his good nature, out of respect is something different) so that their daughter would be taken care of.

 

Dear OP, it's not that daughter is unwanted without of DH, may be parents want to see both of u visiting them together as a family or may be they are scared of those nosy relatives comments.

But it's your life and your convenience, so you don't have to bother about these so called relatives and their comments, do whatever is convenient for you.

Yes, your MIL is feeding your DH brain, but i feel it's your dh's mistake to listen those things, your MIL is from older generation, she cannot change her thinking style, but your dh is from this generation, so he should just ignore his mom's comments instead of expecting your parents to treat him as a God....

 

Am I the strange one who feels better if H doesnt accompany me?? I can be all crazy myself with my family..the gigglings, gossip sessions, tv sessions, shopping sprees, outings with my family is something which I really cherish always ..If he is around, the environment has some decorum..no extra giggles and randomness..formal all around..

I go alone to my parents always for a week or so as we are too far from my parent's state.past incidents, MIL filling up H etc resulted in him limiting himself with my parents..I care a damn about it..Love should be a spontaneous feeling..we cant force somebody to care and love our parents..

Cutting off ourselves from that tag (H) mentally is the first step towards self reliability..

I have booked my tickets for next month visit.Eagerly looking forward to it..

 

You are not alone. Read my post. Not only me, but every girl would feel the same about it during the initial times of their marriage. But as time passes, it feels emptiness to do anything alone without our spouse. We would be used to have them around; so doing anything at their absence would make us feel bored/not entertained.
But again, if they feel uninterested, or their presence might create unwanted troubles, then the only option left is to go alone. Embrace the situation, and enjoy. After all, we get only a limited time to enjoy for ourselves without H's tag. Why not take this to our advantage.

 

I'm sorry for deviating but ever-since I read this thread yesterday, I have been constantly thinking about something. I have seen my MIL idolizing her son-in-law whenever he visits. It is expected of us to take maximum leaves and postpone our personal plans as long as he is here-sometimes with his family and sometimes alone on an official tour. This is done so as to ensure that he treats my SIL well. Why then when their own son is married to us they leave no stone unturned to harass us, even in the presence of DH so that he too becomes a party with her. Why the MIL is not affected by the fact that her mistreating the DIL might affect her son's equation with the DIL?
MILs also idolize their sons for they know that the same son is somebody who will look after her during her old days. How can she think that this very son can deliver his responsibilities without having his wife by his side or having a strained relationship with his wife? Mils idolize their daughters and consider them superior to the DILs . So in totality- except for the DIL, they have utmost regards for their son-in-law, their daughter and son. On the other hand, they fail to understand that if they have a cordial relationship with her DIL, her son-in-law, her daughter and her own son are bound to receive more respect and all equations will be harmonious.

 

I totally agree with you.Only when we expect our spouse to treat our parents as thiers and vise versa the complication begins.As long as we expect only the usual respect shared bet adults ......we could cut a lot of dramas.

Me and dh came to an agreement after marriage that we wont support or side with each others parents/relatives when they are wrong..........................as there was no problems in the initial days it became easier to deal with bigger ones in later dates.May be as we two were a pair of reasonable individuals with traditional values of respecting elders ,it works for us. We take extra pains to see to that that our parents are not taking undue advantage of the goodness of the spouse.A good caring relationship bet the couple is more important.