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In laws coming

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sapna56, Dec 21, 2015.

  1. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    I came to India for 3 months after delivery. My baby is now six months. My In laws will be coming with us to stay in U.S. for 2-3 months.
    I am worried as how will these days pass when they ll be staying with us.

    I haven't stayed for more time wid them coz 2 months after I got married I went to US. I was also expecting 2 months after my marriage.

    My mil celebrates every small small festivals. I don't know the names also of these festivals. I have been grown up in metro city. N my pil are from small village. So very difficult to meet their expectations.

    My mil wants me to bath in morning before entering kitchen. My fil wants me to light lamp throughout d day and evening too.

    My pil have a habit to eat heavy breakfast in morning. Whereas my DH n I don't eat heavy breakfast. I either eat cereals or bread n my DH directly goes to office.

    My pil don't like if I assign any household task to DH. My fil will keep glass of water as it is after drinking. He won't put it in the kitchen back. He just sits n watch tv and observe what everyone is doing. He will also expect us to show him whatever we shop. He doesn't like to eat outside food. N want to eat at home everytime. Also he will expect me to sit with them for lunch and dinner n slowly eat. N I like to have lunch when m hungry n quickly. I don't like to serve him and gather his plate after meals. I shud keep on asking if he wants this and that item during meals. I never ever did that for my DH and also for my father.

    Till now me n my DH used to stay n things were very flexible. We used to get up at 8 am. I used to cook food and pack for him for office. Then I used to have light breakfast. Then will go to park , make lunch for me, bath. Then in evening need to make only 5 rotis and sabji. We used to go out for dinners on weekends.
    My DH is ok to eat whatever I cook. He is not demanding.

    But when pil come, I am sure they won't be ok wid this. They will need all items in food.

    My mil is good at everything from cooking food, snacks n Poojas n Aartis. Of course she will expect me to do all household work. She will not deny for any help as she is good at everything.

    I am not a master chef. But am also not dat bad in cooking. I am not used to cook for 4-5 people as me n DH only stayed. Also after my delivery I am not in a habit of cooking as my mom was there for my delivery. N I came wid my mom in india n stayed at parents place.

    Also they are no less in gossiping n brainwashing about me to my DH, SIL and even family friends.

    Now I am confused how to handle them with the baby. How to manage household work along with taking care of the baby. Need some tips.

    I want them to go happily when they leave. But at the same time I don't want to get pissed off when they are there. I don't want stress myself mentally n physically.

    Need some tips to help me deal wid them.
     
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  2. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Are you sure this behaviour and expectations will remain the same as they are coming to your home on the pretext of caring the infant? Maybe they are coming with the mindset of giving you proper rest.
     
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  3. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    Expectations may b slightly reduced coz of baby. But they ll b there. I am sure they are not coming with mindset to give me rest. They are coming to play n spend time with baby and their daughter who is on student visa. They will expect me n my DH to treat them well, take them out n give them hospitality.
     
  4. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Try to set boundaries from the start and do not go overboard in pleasing them. It is your house and they are the guests, so they need to adjust accordingly. Have a talk with your husband and pitch him in in household responsibilities.

    Try to make household work of least importance and make most of the time with your newborn. This time is precious :)
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Your first allegiance should be to your baby. You will have to make foof for your child now, I suppose. And you need to also take care of your nutrition, especially if you are feeding your child. So focus on that. Then you will need to take your baby out for fresh air. Or to toddler groups. Just go.

    I suggest that you keep an open mind. Get help from your husband regardless of what your PIL might think. Be gracious. Do as much as you can and delegate the rest to your mil. Be sweet when you ask for help. Let chauvinistic things by FIL slide. You aren't about change him. You might hate it but this isn't a fight you can win. Get husband to pick up after his dad.

    In my fils case, the first day I hung about till he finished his food and as he got up, I sweetly said, "please just leave the plate in the sink; no need to wash it; I'll just put it in the dishwasher." He looked stunned but since my emphasis was on him not washing it, he couldn't really say anything.

    Yes, there will be extra work when they come; there might be bitching about you. Just don't let it bother you. Even now if mil talks about food I've never made or festivals I haven't heard of, I just say, "I really have no idea about this. But you feel free to do whatever it it you want to do. If there's anything you want me to buy let me know." That's all.
     
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  6. Nakshatra

    Nakshatra Bronze IL'ite

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    what will you do if they were your parents? My sister in law doesn't treat my parents good or any of our family members and have same problem as you I guess. I always think what if they were my parents, how would I treat them? why such big issues for in-laws. when my in-laws came to look after our kids, I did take care of them the way they wanted and they still remember those 6 months of their stay in US. I know it was little difficult for me initially but they are after all our husband's parents right. sorry if this makes you feel bad.
     
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  7. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I guess OP is not denying taking care of ILs. But for one person to take care of a newborn, husband, ILs and afterwards, herself is a bit difficult, right?

    If everyone in the family is empathetic about problems of a new mom and surviving in a foreign land without maids, then ILs/ parents visit would be most welcome. Its just that guests need to take care of themselves too and lend a helping hand for the extra work!!
     
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  8. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Sapna..
    I think your ILs as I perceive from your post are a combination of good and not so good traits. They are quite orthodox (especially FIL) and you do not really know how flexible they can be when they are in your place

    These I think are good desciplines we can incorporate in our daily lives... it would be bad if they expect you to starve till they finish thier meal.. instead they expect you to sit "with them" and "eat slowly" ... nothing wrong there.
    Not too difficult to follow isn't it... when you are the host you usually do it... you can do it in your own style too.. not necessarily how it is done in your ILs house.. you can say things like "Dad.. please feel free to ask me whatever you want.. we here in US are so used to a culture of just being direct in telling what we need instead of the host constantly asking.. I may sometime forget our good old Indian ways... so please tell me if you need anyting "
    If you are interested, this is an opportunity to learn things from your MIL....you can carry forward the family tradition by learning things which can gel into your everyday life without ruining your pocket or peace of mind. Your DH will also appreciate you for the effort to learn more about their culture and your willingness to carry on the tradition.
    This is very good.. make the most of her helpful nature..ask her to take up some of the household work

    now ...Your real problems are

    Do not give them opportunity to gossip...while you can be friendly, it is also important you do not give them all the details about you and DH's everyday life...your private matters etc. Do not discuss anything private in front of them or pick a fight with DH in front of them..

    Your baby should be your first priority come what may... all of the nice things I have said above are applicable only after the baby duties

    Too much to ask for... do not think too much about pleasing them.. they will not crown you as the best DIL ... never ever... so just be polite and friendly.. do not overdo anything to please them
     
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  9. sslkgpaa

    sslkgpaa Gold IL'ite

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    @Nakshatra You seriously need to understand few thing here, there is a lot of difference between parents and parents-in-laws. For parents love comes naturally you dont have to act that part. They gave you birth and good upbringing, and you are obliged to fulfill few of their expectations, after all you have been their life all along. If my mom criticize me on anything, i would argue with her but at the end of the day we still love each other. But with mother in law, sorry! Even though I wouldnt say anything right away to hurt her, but I would hold that grudge till very end. Ofcourse they are my husband's parents, and so I do respect them. Well that's it. But being DH's parents doesnt qualify them to gain my love by default, unless they give me a reason to do so!
     
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