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Getting Married - Needing Positive Advice

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by VandhenaKrish, Oct 27, 2014.

  1. VandhenaKrish

    VandhenaKrish Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all ... Really it's very helpful and I realize what I was thinking and how bad it was for my life . Thanks once again :) Virtually invite you all for my wedding with my beloved <3
     
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  2. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    congratulations!
    1) language : i think yoru child can learn all languges, what slangs do not matter but the more languges he/she learns, the smarter he/she will become. Do not worry about which slangs...just be happy knowing your child is super smart due to lagnuges known
    2) Food: wow, that is so great they r going such extend to make you confortable. About your child, you can let the child choose and if your DH wants, feed the child at very young age. If your DH does not want then you have a win-win situation. Have you talked to your DH-to-be about ?
    We both are vegetarian but we allowed our son to explore non-veg. He ate some outside at very young age, as he grew he learnt (not from us, from outside) that animals needs to be kiiled for one to consume meat and he stopped it himself.
    My negihbor...mom and Son eats meat and dad-daughter do not. Firends I have never ate non veg, after coming to US, they do...now would their parents have any control over them?
    So u can not control how ur child would be
    Most importantly when u have a child, do discuss with your DH and mutually make the decision whatever it is
    3) About leaving city life: this could be a big change and this seems like a valid concern. If village is not far off, you guys can make some sort of arrangment so both can be working on respective work and get the best of village and city. Like stayign somewhere in middle and commute work, you guys can decide to stay in a small city instead of a village or a big city
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I am really surprised to see all the posters blasting OP left and right. Not everyone is born knowing everything the moment they draw the first breath! Is it not good she is at least realizing all this before tying the knot?

    OP, better late than never. All the points you mentioned, they can be small issues or big issues. It really depends. It is very subjective. But if it really really bothers you then for you it is a big issue and you should address it and try to find a solution.

    Maybe the fact of your marriage was never so real to you earlier because of the dad passing away, family responsibility and so on.

    But, I would say be honest with yourself. No use forcing yourself to proceed with the marriage, if indeed fundamentally these things irk you. When we marry it is for ourselves, not to show the society or to get an award for being the most socially aware, pc person. We marry for our own selfish comfort, and we must feel comfortable about it and about the environment we are going to enter. This is your god given right.

    So dont feel apologetic about your concerns. If you are not comfortable with any of the issues, you should take your time, consider carefully and proceed only when you know you are very very sure.

    Heck even if tomorrow is the day of your marriage and you are having this kind of second thoughts today I would advise you listen to your heart and delay till you are sure. Dont get carried away and dont do things in a rush.

    Some of the issues you can talk over, discuss with your bf or your mom and slowly resolve it in your mind to your satisfaction. But you should not suppress or ignore these doubts. You should address and resolve them. It is important you listen and pay attention to your gut feeling.
     
  4. joel123

    joel123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    All the Best for your marriage. It's very common for us to get confused when we feel that we are stepping into a new thing. You should not carry any baggage when you get married. I hope you got me. Should not think that what you do is the only right thing. Each person's perspective could be different.. Should not think that you can change anything. Need to accept things as it is...and since your background is bit different from them, expect small differences they 'might' show to the things you do...need not be the same as they say ...because anyone can change when it comes to a practical scenario..Iam not scaring you...but I always like to look into the worst case scenario...so that Iam always in a better state than I have imagined.
    yours is a love marriage ...when it's an arranged marriage we have the option of choosing everything so that it perfectly matches your family and background ...I don't say we always end up getting the 100 percent match...but probabilities are more since you are not yet into a relationship and have all the liberty to select what is appropriate.
    but you might not be able to know fully about your prospective partner in the period of courtship ...there is a limit...this is better in a love marriage.
    so basically what Iam trying to say is that...when you compromise something, you get something else..a lot of arranged marriages and a lot love marriages go perfectly well....we have failures Also in both cases as well

    in your case, I think what you need to consider more is...
    yes regarding your job shift...need to think how well you can fit into your new place...and what exactly is your role there...
    next is...you said you are the single earning person in your family...so after you are gone, who is gona take care of them? Are they comfortable with this arrangement? Do you plan to support them the same way as you did earlier? Have you discussed this with your bf?
     
  5. olivellam

    olivellam Silver IL'ite

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    OP,

    You've received some great advice. Just wanted to add one point, in a lighter vein, from a hardcore Tamil Vadagalai Iyengar who has married a non Brahmin(tamil though) experience. After 13 years of marriage, I say 'Saamikku padaikkalaam' and he says 'Perumalukku amsai panniyaachaa'. For the non tamils - both mean 'Have you offered the prasad to God' me talking in his dialect and he talking in mine. Don't let these small differences bother you, in the long run they don't matter at all. Wishing you both a very very happy married life!!
     
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  6. VandhenaKrish

    VandhenaKrish Silver IL'ite

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    Ha ha ha .. Thanks ya .. I so love him I jus had few doubts / kind of advice seeking doubts ..Now got it clarified ..
     
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  7. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Op, I feel you need to stop over-reacting to things. About all these so-called prejudices, you should have thought before jumping the wagon and settling for an important liaison as marriage. And I feel you r so lucky to have such an accommodating MIL. Where would you find such an adjusting MIL who allows you to have your own separate kitchen.. Usually MIL's always want the kitchen to be in their control. Since your would be DH and MIL are doing so much for you already, you need to respect them for their deeds and reciprocate by accommodating wherever possible. I know its easier said than done but every marriage requires adjustments to move on from both ends...u do yours.

    Best wishes for a happy married life..
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, you don't have to be apologetic or ashamed to have such concerns. Here or in real life. Maybe the wording is not 100% politically correct and so got strong responses. Concerns over such basic lifestyle things such as language, food are very valid. It is natural to have some preferences about children and their bringing up, and also be flexible enough to accept the reality when it happens as children arrive and grow.

    It is natural to think that your kids will be treated differently by your amma side of people. We read about grandparents themselves treating grandkids differently.

    When we deal with friends, colleagues, employees, we have to be fair and very accepting of things like language, caste, religion, rituals, beliefs, eating habits etc. When it comes to spouse and members with whom you will share a home, and one's own flesh and blood, it is OK to have some preferences or wishes or even requirements.

    One thing I want to mention is the separate kitchen and utensils and vessels for you. That is very considerate of them, but, what is the plan beyond two kitchens. Your husband is going to be busy with the business. So, is he going to eat food cooked in your kitchen or MIL's kitchen? By her or by you? Are you going to have your meals separately or with all?

    The ideal arrangement, in my opinion, would be a separate establishment for you two, with kitchen, drawing room, bedroom, and at least one more room. Next door or upstaris. Your husband could occasionally go over and have non-veg dishes in his mother's house. You could try to be flexible enough to occasionally allow cooked non-veg food inside your house (maybe not kitchen). If you are leaving your job, your city and going over to his place, a small adjustment in eating should not be too much to expect of him.

    Best wishes.
    -R
     
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  9. VandhenaKrish

    VandhenaKrish Silver IL'ite

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    Hi , Thanks .. Yes its upstairs portion only .. My MIL has agreed to cook in the upstairs for all only if they need nveg , they ll go down .. She is ok with it . So we wil have a portion upstairs . Thank you for your reply
     
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  10. hasita

    hasita Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    Hope things are fine post marriage (presuming all went well and you got married last year).

    Was just re-reading this post..
    best,
    h
     

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