How and why to forgive?

Hi,

It is not easy to forget....especially u have to keep dealing with them. You can do that only if u want to move on and not because somebody asks you to

question is

why do u want to have a new start? Is ur DH asking you?

If so....has he taken any steps for his parents for behaving the way they did and making sure they won't?
If not...it is not your responsibility to make ur DH happy on that front.
If he has, then take baby steps...donot have face to face time, but start with small phone calls for example. When they r talking think about how ur DH has supported u so it is ur time to support him.

If your DH is not asking you to have a new start, then don't just because u feel he is unhappy due to ur relations with his parents. He chose not to deal with his parents when they were misbehaving....so if he is not happy about ur relation with them, it is his fault so let it be.... one cannot eat a cake and have it too.
u will automatically will move on once u decide u donot plan to have a restart

 

Same experiences with me too, I keep myself distant as I know it will repeat and will be more if I behave normal with them, they play games with their own sons for money , power and control on our lives. I directly told my husband that I am protecting myself by keeping myself distant. If I am silent how far they will go?

(I didn't tell him that I can't go down to their level. I was very good person in general, but for them it was a weakness)

In my case, I don't feel like forgetting and start all over again, I can't be normal, It is only a formality. But definitely I moved on,
I too think I have to take care of them in old age , but my plan is not to live in one house but still help them, but I don't know how it all works at that time.

 

yes, our good ness, letting go, everything good is always confounded as some kind of weakness

i am thinking the same...how would you approach ur DH with it...i would like to know

 

I am in the same boat as you, I have forgiven then so many times and tried to forget things and nature of our relationship and then they create a new drama. I have come to a point that I will be polite if I see them but will not go out of my way to be nice or do things for them like I used to. You can't feel bad because these people can't change at this age not unless they do extreme counselling which I doubt they will do. You also can't change what they think about you and hence they just like you will still harbour resentments and bitterness even when everyone is playing nice. This is the only way my DH understood their true colours, b/c I would always forgive and then go about things and then the shoe would drop again, and he started realizing I was not at fault, does your DH support you in your stand, if he does then I would not bend forward back for them, just be polite, and you need to protect yourself that is the most important thing.

 

hi @Grihani, It is not easy to mend a broken heart. but since u have felt there is a need for u to change I think you can forget and forgive them for what all they have done for you.

we cannot change some people and also we cannot lose ourself to them. its really happy to know that your better half supportsyou during the trouble times

a small suggestion is just act deaf and dumb before ur inlaws and do ur duties as a daughter in law. let them crib how much ever they want and do what ever drama they want to do. ignore them when u strongly believe that they can not be changed.

I know it is not easy to practice in day to day life. but for your mental peace try muting yourself from them except for performing ur duties. wishes for ur peace.

 

Dear grihani,

Plz forgive your in-laws for ur own peace of happiness. I too had many bitter experiences with them in past. But now they are behaving.

Dear I was also once like u rewinding past showing tempermant to my child and dh. I used to have no energy left for anything with negative thinking. My health effected badly. I'm not able to look after my child properly. Slowly falling into depression, used to cry for no reason. My dh never realized. But he used to listen to my rants very patiently. How I came out of it. I did try for self counselling I used to take white paper whatever rubbish I used to think about in-laws I used to write on paper. Later I used to tare into pieces very angrily. I did this for several days. Everything came out from heart there is nothing new. After I followed spiritual path recite vishnu sahasranamam it's very powerful. It pushes all negative energy.

Im never giving mymind a chance to think about past because I'm going back to square one no energy left with in me. Whenever I get a glimpse of past scenarios I quickly change my mind by watching some comedymovies, listening to songs etc. I know it's not very easy to forget everything and move on. But we have to for our own peace of happiness.

After seeing me happy in my own world my dh realized something. But I clearly told him my feelings I said to him let bygones be byegones. But I want to be happy with him and our only child. If you want to have a happy home and family. You should take care of me. You can do whatever u want to do for your parents. But they should never hurt me again. It's your responsibility. Thankfully he has some brain and got to some senses. Now my in-laws know my dh will never keep quite if they do something mean to me.

For all this to happen u need have to patience, faith in God, self confidence. I gave my experience, I don't know whether it will be any use to u. Be positive everything will be alright. Think of your own peace of mind and happiness first. It will make you stronger. Rest will follow.

P.S: we r married for 10 years. Things falling in place from 2 yrs.

 

I can't be sure if unconditional forgiveness is possible but in my life, iv decided to take on issues one at a time, rather than allowing the past experiences to cloud my thinking. In my case, now my MIL also tries her best to be uninterfering but talks to her son n sends some irritating messages n stuff.. But overall she has realised I won't be tolerating nonsense.. So with this background I'm also trying to be less skeptical and atleast treat her the way I would treat my mother..

I don't go overboard talking excessively but if I feel she needs help I do help out n talk to my husband bout it too.. In ur position I think trying to let go may be more difficult cos ur in-laws don't seem to have changed a bit. I think you could try being civil with them taking baby steps like calling on imporatant occasions but not have great expectations from them. If you r hurt again just retract n don't bother for some time.. Atleast you know u tried.. If they r receptive n you feel good too, maybe you could try to deal with issues, if they come up, with a clear slate, without letting your past rule.. All the best.. All the same don't bother bending backwards, if they r willing to accept you the way u r, let them else don't stress too much..