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Some questions abt "loss"

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Ragini25, Sep 15, 2015.

  1. ashwinid01

    ashwinid01 Gold IL'ite

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    When i was very young may be 8-9 i lost my aunt. She apparently committed suicide with her 2 kids (18 MO and 6MO). Never once she flaunted that she had any problems.. Nobody had any clue. She always was so happy..And it was even more difficult that her kiddos i.e my cousins were also no more.. She would never let my mum scold or punish me and my brother and i can't still believe she did that with her own kids. They were the first set of babies I have played with. They were apple of everyone's eyes. My aunt was Grandma's pet.When we got the news my Grandma lost her mental balance for few days.. Everyone in our Family was inconsolable for many days. Me and my brother were devastated. Esp my brother. She loved him the most. My brother was little "Ziddi" and she always handled him with so much love. Even on the day of her wedding before ceremonies he fed him food. She was such a motherly figure. All of us miss her till date. Slowly life moves on but memories stay strong. Me and my mom remeber her when we are together and talk about her. Not a night passes without my Grandma shedding a tear for her daughter.
    My uncle(i.e her brother) used to feel guilty,because on the same night my Aunt took that dramatic step my uncle wanted to go to her home and get her son home. Since her son turned 1 year he used to be mostly with my grandparents only as my aunt stayed in same town and she also had one infant. So my uncle was very attached to the toddler. That night when he wanted to go my Grandma stopped saying that she is supposed to come home in 3 days let the kiddo spend time with his father and other grandparents. Had it been my uncle would have got the toddler home this wouldn't have happened. Such thoughts cross everyone's mind even now. (No am not blaming,just wondering how fate plays its roles). I don't know for what reasons but there's no death anniversary for aunt celebrated. I remeber her evrytime i Visit my Grandma,every function and important events in my life.

    One more death which shattered me is my FriendS death 2 years back. He also committed Suicide. He expired on Saturday night and on Friday night we were chatting away to glory. He was flaunting his new car,we spoke about his wedding (married for 2-3 months). I was pregnant that time and i wanted to tell him that because he always used to pester me with question "when's the good news" but unfortunately in that chat he dint ask and i was shy to break it to him on that day and thought will tell him on sunday (it was friendhip day). And till day i cant forgive myself for not telling. I knew he would have been sooooooooooo happy.
    My due date fell around his Bday, call me mean or whatever i dint want my child to be born on that day. The reasons are hard to explain as to why.

    Never a day goes when i don't remember him. I miss him. Hope he has found peace. Miss my friend.

    Some deaths are hard to get over. Only time will heal the wounds. And some deaths have major impacts on relationships. One needs to be patient and understanding. Strength to all.
     
  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, I agree about the giving comfort.
    But to the person who is goin thro loss - their world has been shattered and will never be the same again. Thats immense grief. So comfort is somewhat helpful, but just wondering how people cope with such great loss.
     
  3. sreeram

    sreeram IL Hall of Fame

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    You are right. But time is the only best medicine in such situations. Though we cannot compensate the loss.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    jskls' post #2 in thread says a lot and says it pretty briefly. I feel like greying out the text of it, and then highlighting some parts, but then all will end up highlighted probably. I have nothing new to add to her personal and heartfelt narration... still a few points below. These are not applicable to deaths that happen out of turn - such as child, or young spouse, these are for other deaths of ones people care about.

    The after-life: Questions about this can haunt the mind. And hardly any friend or family member can help deal with those. A strong belief in religion and one theory about the after-life or a strong belief in 'there is no God and afterlife at all' helps. An ambivalence in this matter can become as painful as a long unproductive meeting at work with all pitching in 'ideas'.


    Understanding vs understand: Better to recognize that the two are different. Spouse of the grieving person will be understanding. Will understand that the person is a bit not available and is going through the motions of life. But, no one can really 'understand' another person's grief. Even a husband and wife grieving for a shared sorrow will grieve in different ways. So, dealing with grief and sorrow is essentially a lonely journey.. there will be some help and temporary reliefs from others, but the thoughts are 24/7 in the grieving person's mind only.

    Don't blame the family if they are understanding but cannot understand your grief. Hard to explain this more.

    Overly optimistic, upbeat people: There will be well-meaning people in close friends, family or colleagues who are the perennially positive, take-it-easy kind by nature. They can make it their temporary mission to pull you from your grief/sorrow willy-nilly. Avoid them. The grief/sorrow needs time to run its course, and should not be unduly hastened. These are the 'life of the party' kind of people - if they cannot be a little calmer and quieter around you, and listen more talk less, then simply avoid them.

    The overly analytical, knowledgeable kind: These are the ones who are not professional therapists or psychologists, but are well-read and knowledgeable about the mind and human psychology and can tell you why your mind and you are reacting in certain ways, and present to you the scientific reasoning. Grief and sorrow are sometimes like love - analysis can harm. When you suddenly fall in love, do you want your best friend to explain the science behind it and take away some of the magic? Love, grief, sorrow, and some happinesses are not to be spoiled by words/analysis - like the song from the older Khamoshi (sirf ehsaas hai yeh, ruh se mehsoos karo,... hath se chookar ise, rishton ka ilzaam ne do = It is only a realization, feel it with the soul, do not touch with words and etc)

    The mind and body know: When you have cold or cough, you badly want to eat some particular things? Maybe a soup with black pepper? Grief is like that - body and mind do try to tell you what they need. You need to be silent enough and away from noise/chatter to listen. Regular not-very-taxing physical exercise is an obvious must have. For the mind - music, painting, doing something with the hands such as gardening, sculpting, wood work... or the more recent - coloring pages for adults (google it).

    Envy is OK: It is human to envy those who have what you don't or have just lost. No need to go overboard 'being happy for others' and 'being part of their celebrations' while you are grieving. You decide how much and when and how you want to celebrate those joys in other people's lives. For example, a woman TTC for years - it is OK to skip baby-showers and etc. Similarly, it is OK to skip the 60th or 80th birthday celebrations in family if you are still hurting a lot from your own loss.

    Professional help: Get it if you feel you need it, and grief/sorrow is significantly hampering your life even 1-3 years after the event. Don't discuss this endlessly with all involved. Often except spouse, a close friend or sibling/parent or one close person in in-laws, no one needs to know you are taking such help.

    I am leery of in-person visits that need an appointment taken days earlier, then go park the car, wait for your time and then go in, sit down, and begin the 'talk' and the clock is also ticking. Check out things like 'what is difference between therapy, counseling and life coaching.' "Life coach" is a newish funda and if you can find one that works for you, maybe interact remotely via email/skype.


    Don't always fight fight the sorrow/grief. Sometimes let it wash over you too. Be the plant that bends a little with the wind to make it through the storm.
     
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  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    I have lost a lot of people who were extremely close to me right from the time I was born - 4 of them I did not get to see before they went. Though it has been years now, I am unable to think of them as 'not there' and there are so many times when I suddenly think I would like to share something with them or ask them about something and then it hits me that they are not there.

    As for my parents, very honestly, I spent my life fearing losing them. I went with them wherever they went. When I was away in a hostel, I would call them wherever they were visiting to check on them when they were travelling. I could not imagine life without them.

    When dad was ill in hospital, I used to pray desperately for some miracle. I was there with him every night in the hospital through his weeks in coma. Eventually when he passed on, I was sitting by his side, holding his hand and talking to him mentally and saw his last breath ebb out. That gave me the strength to face his loss and I never felt he had gone. He has always been with me and I could always feel his presence.

    When mom was ill, I was unable to keep her at home because of the nature of her illness. I used to visit her regularly in the home where she had to be nursed. It was a living agony, every moment was a living death, watching her in that state. When she went, I was partly relieved for her that she did not live to deteriorate further. I was relieved that dad had gone and not lived to see her in that state. I was glad he did not live to deteriorate like her in his later years. The 'if only I had been able to .....' thoughts never leave, but there are moments when I can see that it could not have been any way else in the given circumstances, but it is like a roller coaster - moments of such rational realization and hours of agonizing. I don't know when I'll be able to get over it. Although I might sound crazy, there are also moments when I feel a sense of relief that I need not ever fear losing them any more.

    So yes, while I still miss them deeply, I feel relieved for them. I know they are in a better place and know that I shall join them sooner or later. Our karmas are inextricably interlinked. There is no denying, though, that all the joy of living or the excitement of doing anything is gone. I don't enjoy festivals any more. In fact, I hate them.

    I keep myself occupied with some activities I enjoy like my balcony gardening, composting, writing etc. Am back to teaching 2 evenings a week. It diverts my mind, but there is not a moment they are away from my thoughts.
     
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  6. HemalathaRangar

    HemalathaRangar Silver IL'ite

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    @sreeram, really its a big loss..
     
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Ragini,

    I thought it is worthwhile sharing a letter I wrote to my best friend who used to attend our spiritual center regularly. He was born and raised in the United States but had so much belief in the Hindu culture and heritage. When he was diagnosed that he was suffering from most advanced stage of cancer and would leave the world in a week's time, I went to meet him and handed over a letter to him. When I visited him three days later, He held my hand, cried and told me that he read the letter carefully and felt a lot comfortable. I am giving below that letter after removing his name from the letter. It is a long letter but I hope this will help.


    [FONT=&amp]September 4, 2007[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Dear _______,[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]I am one of the privileged sole to have known you in this life of mine and thoroughly enjoyed seeing the effulgence that was glowing in your face forever. I thank the Lord of the Universe for giving me an opportunity to be by your side and worship Him. I was privileged to watch your actions during Bhajan sessions in our center. When others are singing, your mind is focused on the praise of the Lord and when you sing, your heart melted thinking of Him.

    You are one of the chosen few who has realized the purpose of your life and identified oneness with the Lord.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]When I think of a list of things that gives me joy in my life, I can think of many but things that absolutely come to my mind as first few are:[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]1) [/FONT][FONT=&amp]When I pray to the Lord of the Universe and the feeling that He is listening [/FONT] [FONT=&amp]2) [/FONT][FONT=&amp]When I help others in need and see the happiness in their face [/FONT] [FONT=&amp]3) [/FONT][FONT=&amp]When I see my family lives happily with complete satisfaction in life [/FONT] [FONT=&amp]4) [/FONT][FONT=&amp]When I am in deep sleep state and my mind is totally rested without any pain or suffering [/FONT] [FONT=&amp]5) [/FONT][FONT=&amp]When I return home after a long journey and associated feeling that I am going to see my family after a long time[/FONT].

    [FONT=&amp]Lord of the Universe is above us, below us, behind us and around us and He is Omnipresent. He is always listening to us and whatever He does for us is always to help us. You are never going to stop worshiping the Lord and He is never going to stop listening to you or any of His own creations. The purpose of the life is to think of our Creator and merge with Him. This universal principle does not change whatever form or shape we are in. I have no doubts in my mind that you have worshiped the Lord all your life and He had listened to all your prayers.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]

    You have lived all your life helping others wherever possible. The Lord of the Universe has come to you and told you when you worked in a post office that you have to consider everyone equally and you have listen to His words directly. What a divine experience it is for one of our senses to experience Divinity. You can have a vision of our Lord or hear His words or feel His presence. Those senses of yours are blessed by the Lord already and it would not have happened without your mind controlling your senses. Therefore, you should have high sense of accomplishment for listening to the voice of the Lord and fulfilling His command.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]

    Every life in this world is part of our Beloved Lord’s creation and He is the best person who knows what their needs are and what to provide them. He is always there for them to listen and support them. He is going to take care of all His creations whether you support and be their physically for your family or not. Lord always listens to your prayers and He would stand by the side of your family do everything that you would like to do for them yourself. He is full of Love and nothing but Love.

    I know you have fulfilled His mission and Lord is pleased and would take care of everything that you would do yourself to your family.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]There is one another state above the waking, dreaming and deep sleep state and i.e. Turya state where you transcend all the above three states and watch yourself merging with the Lord of the Universe. Your senses and mind are inoperative at that stage and you submit everything you have to the Lord of the Universe in complete surrender. This is also known as total Bliss state and this experience is trillion times happier than happiness we enjoy in our normal walks of life. This happens when you have made all your efforts to merge with God and Lord has willed for you to merge with Him. This is the state we all need to aspire for and I am sure you are spiritually so advanced to feel the need for this fourth state.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]

    Lastly, the whole life of ours is a pilgrimage and we live in this world thinking that everything we see around are permanent where as nothing we see, accumulate and enjoy are permanent in nature. We belong to the Lotus Feet of the Lord of the Universe and we are sent on a mission to this world. Once our mission ends, we need to go home and that is the most Blissful event in our life. Going home where we belong is never painful. After all what we are shrugging off is all transient i.e. this body, mind, intellect, wealth, kith and kin and so on. The only thing that is permanent is the Lord of the Universe and His call to merge with Him is what we waited for too long. I am sure you realize that your accomplishments in your life are the reasons for the call from the Lord.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]Lord of the Universe is always with you whether you are in a mission in this world or you are with Him. So why fear when He is omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent?[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]

    Today is Janmashtami, the day when the Lord of the Universe has made Avatar as Lord Krishna in Dvapara Yuga and I am writing this letter to you on this holy day. It is His will that always prevail and we are all here to fulfill His Will.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]With lots of Love[/FONT]
     
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  8. sreeram

    sreeram IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for the post. Appreciate it.
     
  9. HemalathaRangar

    HemalathaRangar Silver IL'ite

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    My uncle's daughter's demise s a grt loss fr us.. ya my uncle's daughter was doin her 4th std.. suddenly it all happened and she went so long frm us..
    nobody knew tat she had a major cardiac problem.. y even doc also didnt knew it...

    Oneday she went fr a school tour durin a travl all of sudden she fainted and the school teacher's took her into the first aid section and she was taken to hospital.
    Doc's did their initial diagnosis and didnt trace any issues.. Doc advised us to tak some more tests. But the results would be given only by next day.. We really were waiting for a favourable result and expected tat ther wouldnt be any serious issues... unfortunately the doc said that she has got some prob. in her heart .. It was a shockin news tat they could ever hear in their life..
    Bad news was following them soon.. they got a call frm my grany sayin tat she is feelin hungry but the,same time she feels lik vomiting... my uncle asvised to giv her watever she wants to eat..At the same time, doctor was pointing out their ignorance to take care of their child and warned them to be more attentive.. Actually they were very affectionate with herand never thought tat it wil turn out to be a disaster... They used to take her for,regular check-up from her childhood days but nothin was seen alarming until tat day.. Not sure if it was due to ignorance of doctors or her own bad luck, No one were ready to accept this guilty thing..
    As prescribed by doctor, they got a handful of medicines and were returnin home with mixed worried feelings.. The worst thing happened.. She fainted and went to her death bed before her parents could see,her alive one last time... It was dire straights
    . she was countin her minutes.. at last she smiled and passed away from us .. It was a very sad moment for the entire family... A loss which cannot be compensated .. The child didnt even knew tat she was goin to die, neither anyone in home.. Worst thing.. Should not even happen to our enemy.. Life is tough..
    I stil remember my marriage days where she used to follow me and sit beside me and makin fun .. but nw she s no more...
     
  10. katochsimi

    katochsimi Gold IL'ite

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    omg just now i saw this thread.
    i m sorry but i really feel what are we getting sharing such sad experiences with each other.
    those are the loss that no one can come out of. these are law of nature " death is reality of life"
    when i read all stories i was like :-(
    there is so much sadness everywhere around us...newspaper, gossip from neighbors, Colleagues, near ones ...etc.



    i literally felt like crying when read about death of children...i really dont have words. but what i feel is that we should not share which will spread sadness amongst us. what is the use ...happened is happened no one can complete that blank space of the lost person.
    but remembering them and those incidences will ponder more sadness and that day and today will be same..sad and disturbing.

    sorry once again if i had hurt someones emotion..
     

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