Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child

Kamalji · Sep 16, 2015

Dear Balaji,

DPS that clip i still have. it is all on internet, the girls is very pretty, the guys face is not seen, he was caught bcs the girl calls him by name in the end of the clip.
Now this. These kind of kids need the rod, rightly said and i agree with u.

Regards

kamal

Balajee said: ↑

DPS is in the news for wrong reasons. Last time it hit the front page was when a student of one of its branches in Delhi recorded on his mobile phone's camera a girl doing to him what Monica did to Bill under the Oval office table and the video went vira.. DPS is a school of rich spoilt brats and VIP kids. Their parents are not strict with them because they are not bothered as the kid is rich any way and can survive without academic achievements. These kids really need the rod.
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Kamalji · Sep 16, 2015

Dear Satchi,

True that to kids we should be an authoritive figure and not a friend, they must be scared of their p arents, at the same time, we are friendly also to them.The kids must know there are limits they better not cross eh !

kids commiting sucide are idiots, who have never been yelled at, who have bullied everyone around, and when they are scolded, they do this idiotic thing of suicide. why are teachers to be blamed? They have to instill manners and discipline in school and in kids.
yes most [parents dont give enough time, or see what their k ids are up to, they just pacify them with giving then money as and when they demand, expensive phomes, gadjets shoes and holidays, so that the kids aer spoilt rotten and have an attitude.

Regards

kamal

satchitananda said: ↑

It is very unfortunate what (OH! It makes me feel antiquated when I say this!) children today have come to, but who's to blame?

"Ultramodern" parenting methods where parents want to treat their kids as 'friends' will not work at a very young age. Kids do need an authoritative figure to turn to in times of doubt. This is something that this generation of young parents need to understand.

Forget corporal punishment, how many times do we hear of kids who commit suicide for having been scolded in school? Who gets into trouble then? The teacher. Why? The parents blame the teacher and school for admonishing the kid. Teachers are not supposed to discipline individual kids, yet maintain discipline in class, bring out batches of super kids who score high marks in every subject without ever saying a word to a kid!

How many parents actually spend time with their kids? Do they know what their kids are doing behind their backs? Do they monitor what the kids are doing on Internet or watching on television? Do they know where or with whom their kids are at any point of the day or what they are doing? Do they teach their kids to be polite to everyone, no matter who - strangers, drivers, maids, teachers, neighbours etc? Of course they can't teach or preach without demonstrating by example. Sad to say, basic values are missing in adults of today. What values can we expect to teach their children? How can we expect kids to behave if they know their parents will fight with whosoever corrects them for any indiscipline or bad behaviour on their part? When we were younger, it was not uncommon to be corrected by a neighbour or extended family members. How many parents would stand for that today?

This holds true for a lot of parents, though there might be some parents who really take the trouble to bring up good kids.
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PushpavalliSrinivasan · Sep 16, 2015

Dear Kamalji
nowadays parenting has become a tough task. Couples are working and now they prefer to have only one child and so naturally they are pampered. Further joint family system has become almost nonexistent.Children are exposed to unwanted things.

We can't blame parents alone for the behaviour of the children. Over exposure to media and peer pressure is also contributes to the misadventure and boisterous behavior of children.

It is a collective responsibility of parents, teachers, society and media to tackle this issue.

PS

Joyoflife · Sep 16, 2015

A very good post Kamalji . I remember when my brother and sil were going school shopping for my niece, My dad’s advice to them was that no matter which school you choose for her, both of you are going to be her first teachers. How easy it must have been be for those parents to put the blame for alcohol on school authorities. Being mother of a four year old myself I have learnt that you can’t take any shortcuts in parenting and if you do your child will have to pay a heavy price. Before my daughter me and my husband lived a crazy life. Since the time she is born we have changed ourselves completely. Both of us have given up alcohol completely because we don’t want her to think that drinking is acceptable. We don’t do anything in front of her which we feel she shouldn’t do. I was reading somewhere that children rarely do what you say, but they will definitely do what you do and another one Only if everyone parent in this world did their job correct, this world would be such a better place. I am not in favour of smacking but there are other ways to discipline a child. Long time back there was news on TV that it’s a common sight in parks to see 13 to 15 years old lying down drunk. Now where are the parents, I wonder how can parents be at peace when they have no idea of their child’s whereabouts? The easiest thing in the world is to blame others. I can go on and on for this topic. I don’t blame children but it’s the parents who take no responsibility for the actions of their children.

Kamalji · Sep 17, 2015

Dear Sabita,

We dont even allow the soceity to set others children's straight. if ur child breaks something in my house, inspite of my telling him to keep away, and if i slap him, or scold him, he will come to u, and u will fire me in front of him, how dare u scol;d or hit my child. You wotn ask me what happened, or see the wrong in yr child.

this is the whole problem, we feel our children are a gods gift to our neighbourhood. Neither do we teach them, nor allow the school or neighbours to set them right, so this is where they tend to go out of line.
See it was early morning, the booze shops are closed, so the boy must have brought the booze from his dad's bar at home. Now the dad must learn to keep his bar closed, pull up his childs ears, and give him one good whack.

Hence, few exceptions apart, i feel we parents are responsible for the shape our children are in.

Regards

kamal

Srama said: ↑

This is really sad Kamalji. The whole idea of parenting seems to be "No matter what we do at home, it is the society's job to set our children straight". Not that all parents are doing that, I am a parent too and that statement is not generalized but couldn't refrain. It is just that we should remember that it is our children and us who are responsible for the society, in making it and shaping it. I was in fact listening to a segment on the radio about how the children born in the past five years are actually kind of guinea pigs as far as technological advancements are concerned and it's impact on humans. It was mind boggling and I cannot help but feel if anything parents now have more responsibility on their shoulders in shaping their children and in the process world. Wealth and well being should not go hand in hand with activities like the one you have mentioned.
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Kamalji · Sep 17, 2015

Dear Rihaana,

We are not here topoint fingers at anyone. Maybe u are in the 20% of the parents whose kids are nice. We aer talking about the other 80 percent kids.Agred with u, times have changed, internet has come, and we dont have many joint families.

so just as we have changed our habits from the type writer to thekeyboard, same way we have to change our ways of parenting now.Since grandparents dont live with the parents, well, now itis more the responsibility of the parents to make sure they pay attention to their children.

Work is no excuse, if work is the priority, to rise to the top of the organization, then please dont have children, children are nota neccissity, but if u ahve them, then make them yr priority.You cannot have one leg in the work boat and one in the parenting.the upbrining of yr child is yr responsibility, and it tells on the parents character.

Regards

kamal

Rihana said: ↑

The incident is being blown out of proportion and too many generalizations from it.

There were such students in our time, and there are now too. Those who will break the rules, bring in liquor or drugs or other prohibited items. There will be parents who will lay the blame on others for their child's misdoings.

But, overall, Indian parents do a good job of keeping child on track, and if anything, may be guilty of pushing the child too much academically.

Are parents less strict and lax in disciplining compared to previous generation - perhaps. But then previous generation of parents did not have internet, cell phones and social media to contend with. And, percentages of working mothers was lower. Percentage of joint families was higher.
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Kamalji · Sep 17, 2015

Dear Shanti,

Welcome after a long time. How is Veda, and how are u.

Just as how our career is shaping depends on us, same way how our kids turn out depends on us. it is theparents duty to brign them up well, Work is no excuse.

i understand yr point of view also, that u are not justifying, but angry at the hype created by the media, well they need some masala to talk about.

yes it is better to tell our kids to do better than us, and that we admuit oru mistakes to them.like i never completed my graduation, college dropout i am, but both myu daughters did their MBA's, thank god.HAHA

Good advise Shanti, wish there were more like u around.

Regards

kamal

Shanvy said: ↑

pointing a finger at parenting in general and there were too much general sweeping statements across the thread. but are parents' alone responsible for spoiling kids..i don't think so..

but just wanted to say, there were kids who stole for pocket money in the 90's too. i know of kids who used to bunk classes and stand in pvr delhi, and i am aware of hush hush abortions even then. so let us stop saying today's kids.. the media, the exposure spot lights everything and magnifies everything.

the media today highlights too many things that potray negativity alone..why not talk about the kids who are doing wonderful in innovations, helping and other things..no then we would not be having online forums discussing them, nor would the media lash out with these kind of news.

girl child only i was itching to talk about two incidents.. a child from my dd's class who moved to another schools, drank in school with her classmates and she was in the 10th.(It was one of those dares..and fyi, it is so easy to get a bottle of alcohol in my state ) both the parents are wonderful humans, the mother works with ngos to bring in change..and of the other story that caused a uproar among a group of my friends..
Drunk Teen Causes Flutter in Coimbatore - The New Indian Express
the day this news was flashed on tv, my heart went out for the parents and the child..for the girl just stumbled and was not sober for maybe few mintues, but the media kept flashing the same for two days..i am not going to say that the girl was right, i would only say that it could have been handled better. the media spot also lures a lot of kids to do things that they maynot be doing otherwise.

Spare the rod and spoil the brat is not about punishments..i believe it should never have been treated as hitting the child. as i age, as i watch my kids, the other kids around me, and the parent i have been thinking about it differently..

when a small plant grows, it is too tender, has a tendency to coil, even as you straighten and move, it would coil, so there needs to be a firm rod/stick that supports, guides without bruising the plant, coax it to take the right path..

i believe our children are the plants, and the rod is the parents, the society. we need to be positive, and consistent in what we do.

I recently heard a discussion at archies..let us call them mom x and dad x
dad x - let us just get these for the bday.
mom x - no, we need to do something more, and costlier and different than what they did.
I want to give a costlier birthday party than what y gave. i want to show off..for god's sake it is just the kid's birthday party..keep it at kids' level.
I did not have any of this, so i want my kids to have everything. everything never has a limit. the day we stop living through our kids, some of these issues could be rectified.
stop bringing in the egos, the competitiveness into every aspect of your kid's life.
kids need parents' presence, understanding and uninterrupted few minutes of time everyday..(where she/he is not interuppeted with cooker whistles, mobile chirping or a conference call with an us client..)
I want my child to eat everything, so it is fine if she/he plays with iphone. and we are even proud when the kid plays games on it, we never realise we are laying foundations for unhealthy eating habits..
i want to have some peace of mind, i switch on the tv. sometimes the remote is in the hands of the child. i know a neighbors kid (4 years) who can tell you all the names of the serials by order, for the whole day as she watches them along with the gp's.

All said there is more pressure on parents these days than what our parents' faced..it is exhausting (yet fruitful) to be parents today not because the kids are demanding, to be ahead of your kids, the kind of homework you need to do, to be able to handle them better..

At the same time, the pressure of academics, the competition that is exhausting, the peer pressure to be in par with others, to be in the group is a vicious circle.
the kid has to be really strong to be able to handle being an outcast. I know how hard it is for the kids..

If sharma's son gets .5% more than the kid, the kid's few days/week is done with taunts, rigourous schedules.

An example i would share something that really made me feel bad for some of gen x.

y is a classmate of dd. there is option of going directly into few professional courses from 12th after passing an entry level exam. so of the 40 of her classmates 25 of them opted the direct route and did not go to any college. and it is the 3rd year of my dd's college. out of the 25 only 4 of them have moved to the final level of the course to be able to finish and move on with life. y is still middle level and has not been able to clear the same after 4 attempts. do you know what his parent does..hits him, makes the kid's life miserable, blackmails and more. the kid says there are days suicide feels a better option. look at the kid's perspective..a 20 year old, who is not able to succeed, needs a little more encouragement and motivation instead being pulled down badly..what will the kid do..instead if the kid was given the choices, these are the courses, there are two ways of doing it. you have the choice of doing it either way. given the choice to the kid he would have had a graduation to fall back on.. now he is left with failures staring at him.

the main intention of posting this example here is to say, the very generation that seems to lack discipline has wonderful knowledge, power and more that can be channelized well. give them choices, give them responsibility of understanding the choices, give them the choices and give them the freedom to choose wisely with your guidance..explain to them that with freedom comes responsibility, and if not wisely used will be pulled back.

my son is 17+ and he refused to take the scooter, stating that he will learn it when he turns 18. my dd learnt it only at 18. the onus lies both on the parents and the kids.

walk the talk and your child would definitely do better. and even if you are not role model material, it is ok, be honest, tell them that you are not, and you would want your kiddo do better than you by making better choices, wiser choices.there is no shame in accepting our mistakes and faults.

let me stop here or i would keep on typing more..

p.s. i am not justifying any of the mistakes pointed out here
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Kamalji · Sep 17, 2015

Dear Pushpa,

yes the pressures are there on the parents. but then it is the responsibility of the parents to see whom their child makes friends with, keeping a tab on his activities, and studies, and notpush them too hard, so that they try underhand means to get flying marks.

Regards

kamal

PushpavalliSrinivasan said: ↑

Dear Kamalji
nowadays parenting has become a tough task. Couples are working and now they prefer to have only one child and so naturally they are pampered. Further joint family system has become almost nonexistent.Children are exposed to unwanted things.

We can't blame parents alone for the behaviour of the children. Over exposure to media and peer pressure is also contributes to the misadventure and boisterous behavior of children.

It is a collective responsibility of parents, teachers, society and media to tackle this issue.

PS
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Kamalji · Sep 17, 2015

Dear Joy,

Welcome to my blogs. this is one serious blog that i wrote, and it has touched a lot fo people going by the comments to this one.But then going back to the humor blogs agan, till another such topic comes up that touches me .
it is wonderful to know that u acknowledge what u did before yr child was born, that u put a stop to ry drinking, wonderful really,. the example u have set to yr child.God bless u, and may yr child grow up to be a loving, caring , wonderful human being, God bless u and yr family.

Regards

kamal

Joyoflife said: ↑

A very good post Kamalji . I remember when my brother and sil were going school shopping for my niece, My dad’s advice to them was that no matter which school you choose for her, both of you are going to be her first teachers. How easy it must have been be for those parents to put the blame for alcohol on school authorities. Being mother of a four year old myself I have learnt that you can’t take any shortcuts in parenting and if you do your child will have to pay a heavy price. Before my daughter me and my husband lived a crazy life. Since the time she is born we have changed ourselves completely. Both of us have given up alcohol completely because we don’t want her to think that drinking is acceptable. We don’t do anything in front of her which we feel she shouldn’t do. I was reading somewhere that children rarely do what you say, but they will definitely do what you do and another one Only if everyone parent in this world did their job correct, this world would be such a better place. I am not in favour of smacking but there are other ways to discipline a child. Long time back there was news on TV that it’s a common sight in parks to see 13 to 15 years old lying down drunk. Now where are the parents, I wonder how can parents be at peace when they have no idea of their child’s whereabouts? The easiest thing in the world is to blame others. I can go on and on for this topic. I don’t blame children but it’s the parents who take no responsibility for the actions of their children.
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katochsimi · Sep 18, 2015

Kamalji said: ↑

Dear Kato,

You are like me, i too have two daughters.i have loved them, and i have been strict with them, i got them things which were reasonable, but any unreasonable demand i refused.
yes as u rightly say, children must have some fear of their parents, otherwise they feel they can get away with anything.
yes good to know people appreciated yr elder dau taking care of her young er sister. This is rare these days, so all credit to u , Kato.
even if u can afford say an i phone or a i pad, dont give in. They will get them in due course.
Yes we must give them time, and teach them some good values.sometimes take them to abn orphanage, and let them see the deprived children, so they know that they are privileged to be with parents and good parents at that.it will open their eyes.
Teach them, to celebrate their birthdays with orphanage kids, to give them a cake, pastry, toffes, some soft drink, and cup of icecream, and see their eyes light up, poor things, for them this is heaven, for us it is taken for granted.
what say kato ?

Regards

kamal
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yes you r right sir,. in fact we do same thing, i celebrate her birthday with orphan children and she feels happy but cry seeing them (She is very senti) and whenever she leave food in plate i remind her of those children then she finishes soon.
and yes i agree i dont give them all what she demands, will give her only when i feel now its time to give. eg. i brought her 3 cycles by now and she used them so roughly and badly that they are now in bad condition. now when all her other friends ride cycle and she doesnt have she is almost following up to buy new one since 2 months. but last week i repaired her old one and hten given to her...u wont believe that she was so happy with repaired one which she wasnt with new one also (c now she realised value of cycle)gigglingsmiley