Co-sister behaves strangely

Citra06 · Sep 9, 2015

Hi, I want to know your opinions on how would you react for the following situation. I want to check if I am over-reacting unnecessarily for this. Here is my situation..
My husbands brother, who lives in India with his wife celebrated his first anniversary recently. But during the whole first year of his marriage, his wife (my co-sister) has hardly kept in touch with me. If that was the only case, I would’nt have minded taking initiative in starting the conversation. But, the strange thing is that she keeps in touch with my husband on chat. I feel very furious when she messages him on various occasions and never even mentions about me in their conversation. I observed this almost one year back, and told my husband too. But, he blamed me for overreacting. He also counter questioned me on thinking why she is more comfortable in chatting with him than me, blaming that I may have not given good vibes to her. Which is not the case at all. We had a huge fight over his statement. During this fight he also mentioned that whats wrong if his brother has shared the fact about my bitter relationship with my parent-in-laws, because of which she isn’t keen in keeping relationship with me. I was very very hurt to know how he feels about me. Later on he said sorry for blaming me, but he made it clear that he can not do anything for this as he doesn’t want to create any tensions in his relationship with his brother. My husband married me by going against his beloved mom and my co-sister came with arranged marriage. So, my mother in law keeps praising her all the time in front of my husband. But, if I was at her place, I would have given the relationship with my co-sister a chance rather than cutting off for not being favorite of parents-in-laws. He also hinted her on chat couple of times, that you can also convey your regards to your co-sister(me) and she said yes. But, she didn’t. Also, after that fight with my husband I decided not to let him know how I feel when he responds to her on chat. She keeps messaging my husband without my mention and her tone is also very weird.. She has a younger brother, but she says to my husband that you are my sweetest brother. I kept my mom that why u didn’t give me a elder brother and now I feel lucky to have one. We gifted her a bath and body works hamper during our visit to India, she messaged him that she just tried it and she loved its smell. When he said, that its your co-sister’s choice. She said I know and changed the topic saying that the T-shirt which we gave to her husband is very very nice, its your choice right? Also, how handsome and NRI my husband was looking in their wedding album.

I find it very difficult to ignore. I feel very bad, only for her I cant stop myself from checking out my husbands phone whenever I get a chance. Please suggest me how to keep my dignity and handle this situation.

iamsrihere · Sep 9, 2015

What is the need for her to message your husband frequently?? Even if she is doing without any bad intentions, it is unnecessary.

The best is, asking your husband to not respond to her messages then and there giving some reason like busy with office / something. Don't talk to your husband about her ignoring you. Tell him it is unnecessary that she is messaging to him and that you both shouldn't encourage this. Only if your husband shows some disinterest will she stop this.

AnjaliSajith · Sep 9, 2015

Hi dear , this seems to be my case although i was at the other end , My co-sister and BIL had moved out of house just before my marriage due to fight with in laws . As i entered the family my MIL told me about my rude , uncultured , aggressive co sister and i initially believed her . I refrained talking to my co sister much because i had heard that she is agressive and gets angry easily . i didnt mingle much with my BIL too . But slowly i have understood my co-sister and i know what she might have went through here in this house , I admire her that she spend 7 very precious years of her life with MIL , which is not a easy task . Thumbs up to sis . So as after 2 yrs of my marriage i have understood that its not my sis but MIL who has issues , i hope ur co-sis too understands that . But yes pls ask ur husband not to reply her much .

Citra06 · Sep 9, 2015

Given the background of our fight, I dont think my husband will agree. For him, she is just doing her duty of keeping family bounded. Mil is continuously painting a good picture of her in front of my husband, so if i say anything against her, I will be the Evil. From what I can guess, he thinks that I am the one who cudnt make his mom happy and now stopping co-sister from making his family happy. It hurts a lot, but now I feel my husband doesnt count me in his family it seems.

Citra06 · Sep 9, 2015

I was waiting for her marriage so as to share everything we will have in common in this family. But, I got disappointed, I feel so lonely in this family as I lost my last hope. She is not staying in the same city as of mil, on the top of that mil is very biased towards her. I dont know if she will ever realize or regret, but she rejected a welcoming sister. I will be happy to forget everything, provided that she shows her intention

dhivya rangarajan · Sep 9, 2015

Call her.
There is no need to cooooonnnstantly keep on touch.
And if she is highly praised for bonding the family, she is not doing a very good job is she? She hasn't even made you feel included!
So, call her. Tell her very politely that you are interested to kee in touch. And mention that "Ï am aware of the many times you keep in touch with my husband, but conveniently forget to say hi to me... not fair hehehehee..."
And taunt about that. As and when you feel is appropriate.
It sound mean, but she is mean. So, don't hesitate to give back.
I don't really care whether she talks to you or not. you don't need her. But she talking regularly to your husband is what ticks me.
She may induce fights and misunderstandings between you and rest of the clan.
She sounds meddlesome.

vaidehi71 · Sep 9, 2015

Hi
I had been in your shoes with exactly the same character. My co sis would be speaking very nicely to my dh and also cook dishes according to my dh taste. I was just ignored. Also we were in joint family and the whole situation was horrendous. How I came out of it, only God knows? The co sis is very cunning. From my dh to change, the only person who helped to change was just by God, that's all I can say.

What is the reason for your dh to chat with co sis? You need to put your foot down and stop this behaviour? How long have you been married? You have to make sure that you don't like this behaviour of your co sister, her being definitely rude to you. You don't have to be rude by talking, even by ignoring it means the same. The person to change is your dh, no point in talking about the co sis, whatever her intention maybe. Just be frank with dh, if he is not respecting your wishes, protest in your way, silence is the better weapon. You can use that weapon and fight with dh. No shouts , nothing, just silent treatment. When asked why you are behaving so, be frank and tell him that he has all that time and can talk with his co sister to his heart's content, but don't except him that you will talk with him. A dh who doesn't approve of his wife's wishes definitely needs to receive such treatment. Time will help to solve. Anyday or anytime he talks, show you dissentment by this means and avoid talks with him. This is what I think might work, other ILs might give more advices.

anahita5 · Sep 9, 2015

stop fighting with your husband for your co-sis behavior. I think he too is trying to set a bond between his family and your brothers family. Ignore it. Instead be sweet to your husband, try to be polite with your co-sis. You do't know what is going on in her mind, may be she already has heard a lot of negative about you. You H is trying to be nice to his family cause he married without there permission, he might have some residual guilt. The more importance you give to the matter the bigger it will get.

yellowmango · Sep 9, 2015

Just Ignore her.Try to have a good time with your husband .As long as he is not asking you to make the moves to chat her up when she is not keen. It Looks like he is trying his best to include you into the circle but she is ignoring. He will soon tire of this .If it takes up too much of his time,then you need to let him know.

If he brings up the topic....you can tell him you feel like you are being ganged up against but you trust him enough to know that he will stand up for you.

If you feel too irritated,join the chat and butt in and bore her to death....that will be fun.Let's see how she ignores you then.If she does,your husband will know ,you are not the one to blame.
Cheers!