1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Is it Indecent to Mention to In Laws that We Need Some Privacy?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by iamsrihere, Aug 27, 2015.

  1. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    931
    Likes Received:
    1,352
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I really feel for you.. no young couple should be planning things at this level for small joys of life... I have been in this space and really really feel for you..

    A well thought out decision should be made when we hit the "T" junction ... like

    1) Joint family - Yes or no
    2) Set certain expecatations from both the sides from day 1 with your spouse first and the you and spouse jointly with ILs
    3) confront directly and fix things - yes or no

    the path you are taking OP... you will eventually resent every small incident (the way they turn out), event or their speech (even a casual remark). You will hurt over and over again... you will feel helpless and the feeling will only build.

    Tell them what you need "just once" looking right into their eyes... they will surely hurt... but it will be only "once" ... the bitterness of this "once" might last for few weeks but they will eventually get the point and adjust their expectations.

    A the same time , show them you are committed to their well being (a few hospital visits, frequent enquiries on how they are doing healthwise, involve them in certain discussions / decisions concering just the two of you selectively)

    Marriage in a joint family is hard work... if you have chosen that path and foresee yourself being there for a long time .. please gear up for this labour... it has its upsides too.. but in today's super fast world, the downsides overweigh the upsides.

    Our generation is not really geared up for a joint family living and our parent's is a generation that will not easily sign up for an independent living. You have to find the right balance. While you nudge your elderly to think / act differently .. adjust your expectations also a bit to come in line with the reality of our lives.
     
  2. ushash

    ushash Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    80
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I live in nuclear family. Whenever we visit in laws or they visit us ,my hubby calls me just beforr leaving ' hey can u come with me' and takes me . I just turn to mil and say bye and leave. He calls fr all places to go to nearby grocery shop , walking in park , bakery , banketc. On they way we keep chatting. And every night we go for a walk in terrace alone
    . My mil complained many timrs to many people that her son takes his wife wherever he goes. Once all his family complained abt this to him in my absence for which my hubby replied ' i am not takng neighbours wife . What is wrong in taking my wife .'
    U can try this. Dont plan anyrhing . Just ask him to call u judt while leaving n u tag slong with him
     
  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,847
    Likes Received:
    1,956
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I have realized it very late that i should have gone for Nuclear family set up. Though there are no explicit issues in my home now, there is some pricking feeling that is giving me sleepless nights and making me feel very stressed. MIL though she acts good, behaves like a perfect MIL whenever she gets the chance.

    Feel trapped because she has already started playing the Patient role that I seem to have no other way out of this
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    It isn't too late. With the information you had at the time, you made a choice. Now, being in this situation you want a change. Even when we have a job offer in hand and change jobs, we sometimes end up regretting the change. We then make amends. We look for a different opportunity. Same holds true here too. You thought you could work it out. Now you cannot. No point living your life with a whole bunch of resentment. Why not relocate to a new city or move closer to work in a small apt or something. People come up with creative ideas all the time, find a good one and move.
    Btw, how ill is your MIL and what is her ailment?
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,484
    Likes Received:
    4,119
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP - honestly your thing can be solved without a major JF vs NF war. You already have a nice DH, just manage the situation with some smart ideas and you will be fine without 'upsetting the apple cart'
     
  6. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    392
    Likes Received:
    689
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Posted in wrong thread
     
  7. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,847
    Likes Received:
    1,956
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes Ragini..My issue is not that complicated or huge. That is why asking for help/ideas here to deal with the occasional hiccups. But yes, I don't want to upset the apple cart without valid reasons.
     
  8. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Op,

    Your inlaws are behaving like this as they want you and your DH to be around always. I have seen my grandpa do that to my parents...he would not allow them to go anywhere without taking him...he hated being alone in the house. My uncle (when young) used to comment a lot about my grandpas ways...now my uncle is over 60 and doesnt like if anybody steps out of the house leaving him alone. Old age does that.

    I can understand the need for privacy. How about doing these
    1. If your husband is going on a business trip..tag along.
    2. Gift religious tour package tickets to your inlaws. Encourage them to see the world and enjoy the togetherness without having to worry abt anything.
    3. Go on Joint trips, but ensure that you have a separate hotel room.
    4. Instead of waiting for big trips to have privacy...have short and sweet moments in the privacy of your room. Believe me these innumerable short moments are the ones that will keep your bond very strong.

    my mom in law would tell me that Couples living in joint families will have more mutual respect , understanding and love. From what you have written iam 100% sure that you and your DH are a wonderful couple.

    Never go for nuclear setup..when the initial excitement fades off, we would start getting bored..And after kids life becomes very hectic without elders around. Nuclear set up gives too much privacy and too much of anything will loose its importance.

    Iam forced to live in a nuclear family as my in laws are no more....They were the sweetest people i ever met. I miss them day in day out...
     
  9. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    377
    Likes Received:
    761
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Please let your husband do the talking...you both feel this way, he should be the one to talk since it is his parents.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  10. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,847
    Likes Received:
    1,956
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female

    It is nice to read your reply:)..

    I have also thought that maybe the excitement would soon fade off if we are the only two people that we see day in and day out. Like every coin has two sides, this set up is making us long to spend time alone with each other which may not happen with nuclear families:) Anyway in my case, I am definitely not going to think about nuclear set up except in the worst case. I know for sure that the guilty feeling that they would give us after going separate would be a much worser feeling than staying together.

    To see people miss their in laws is a uncommon thing. Nice to know that you had a nice family. Be happy that you are atleast being able to cherish the memory of being with them, because we have many ladies around who are suffering in their presence.
     

Share This Page