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is she mad or we too good....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by katochsimi, Aug 31, 2015.

  1. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op I am really sorry for your dad, I hope he recovers soon. You must be very stressed what has happened, has happened. rather than judging you, I would say focus on what needs to be done. Is it possible that your sil goes to her mothers house until she recovers from her c section surgery. It will give your mother some rest as well and meanwhile when your dad is discharged things will be bit peaceful at home. If that is not the option try to take your dad to your home if you can. the stress of mil-dil-sil issues are the last things your dad needs see now. When you go to meet your dad in the hospital, look happy and positive. I am sure your sils mom could have stretched a bit more to help, at least in that situation my mom could have done that regardless of what people could have or would have said.

    I am sorry but your brother is a big moron. he does not know how to make a balance between parents and wife. I have love marriage and I am the person in my husbands life whmo he trusts the most even more than his own mother. No matter what I say to him he will never go and fight with his own mother ( not that I do that) why because he uses his brain. He knows how to talk an elderly person.

    You are saying your sil filled up your brothers ears, he fought with dad and your dad got high bp and stroke. You are right it is possible. But doesn't your brother know that parents are not a child, he does not have to scold them or fight with them specially if they are not very healthy. You brother sounds like a spoiled child. Regarding that your sil wants your dad to die, that's a very big allegation. life and death is only in Gods hand and gods law doesn't work as per your sil. Its very unfortunate that your dad has got a stroke. But you all need to bond up well at least in fornt of him to make him recover fast.

    If I were you I would leave things as they were, I wouldn't be too bothered about the stuff which happened at the time of their marriage. That's what people in courtship period do, exchange every minor detail with each other. I used to speak to my husband about 4 to 5 hours on phone everyday and we discussed almost each and everything.

    Once things have sorted out a bit talk to your brother and tell him that he needs to watch how he talks with his parents. Its good that he moves to a separate place with his wife, if that is not possible do the fair distribution of house duties among your mother and dil. You need to empower your mother so that she doesn't take any non sense from your brother.

    Oh ya another thing, if your dad doesn't have a will, get the will made that after him the house goes to your mother. so that your sil and brother do not ill treat your mother after him.

    Op act maturely let go the unnecessary burden, at this point your focus has to be what you can do to recover your dad fast, how you can empower your mother, and how you can fix your brothers attitude so that he doesn't take his parents for granted forget about rest of the things. Shift your attention to these issues for a while.
     
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  2. Samyugtha

    Samyugtha New IL'ite

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    I completely understand your issue... since I am sailing in the same boat, except that I blame my brother more than the girl. This is not a forum for MILs.. so better not to vent about it. Many here think that the DILs are the only women and MILs are Jaanvar. Since they were victimized by their MIL they look at everyone as their own MIL and try to pick from whatever is posted.
    This will only add to your grief. Why do you want to deal with more criticism ? This too shall pass. See if you can distance your parents from your bro's family.
     
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  3. BDivya

    BDivya Platinum IL'ite

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    Originally Posted by lukywife [​IMG]
    I pity every indian daughter in law. Parents if they treat son and daughter differently during the childhoodmy parents never did that ...sorry u mistook it, they will definitely eat daughter in laws brain because they are 'expecting' from son. These daughters who were treated differently during the childhood will started considering their brothers as heros and they will start micro monitor every action of his wife. Sorry if I hurt you op, You have set an example for that. I am being very judgemental here because I hate if people portray some one as 'mad'. At the end when a son is happy with his wife, both the parents and sisters are not happydid i said that we r not happy because they are happy -U need not say that u r not happy by seeing them be happy... its pretty clear from ur post... pls understand she is a new mom that too after a c-sec..over the top u ppl have accused her for ur father's illness.. goddd...give her a break.. how more can she bear? she s in a terrible situation stuck between new mom n her responsibilities towards her new born and u ppl accusing her.. relax op.. u feel pity for ur mom then u go n help her out.. dont expect a new mom to do seva for u ppl.. or u can arrange for a maid to do all work from top to bottom in ur mothers place.. u arrange for that..if u really have a concern.. just coz she is ur sil u can t expect her to do all chores just after a few days of delivery.. n remem one more point she din even go to her moms place for rest after delivery just like u did... u came to ur moms place for rest n still blamed her for watnot reasons... but she din choose to go t her moms place after delivery for rest..instead she chose to stay at inlaws place n give moral support coz fil is in hospital.. if u cant appreciate her sacrifice then atleast don blame the poor thing.. after all she is a new mom that too she has delivered in such a difficult situation at home...wonder how much stress she would have had.. n do u think its healthy for a preg woman to have high bp.. this is all coz she cared for her fil n thats y all the stress n high bp which had affected her child birth n had to opt for c-sec... give her some breathing space.... let her free...[​IMG]. If the daughter is happy with her husband, both the parents and brothers are happy. It's a curse to be born as a son, brother, daughter in law in this country. Op, if you keep on holding grudges and not forgive some one, you are definitely setting a bad example for your kids.
     
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  4. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op you need not judge anyone, you know your mother much better than we do. We all are posting suggestions to what we think is right. You know the situation inside out. From what you have posted I feel your brother is at fault. he really need to learn to make a balance. Get him to appoint a maid or a house helper for house work. There is only so much your mom can do. Do not play the blame game, even if you feel your sil is at fault. That will make it look like a dil- mil issue and I feel its not that, its a son and parents issue.
     
  5. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Cant judge who is wrong, but its not good for both to be in bad atmosphere. But can understand your pain as daughter.

    Close your eyes, take a long breath for sometime

    Later can discuss about the drama going on in home pleasant way(as possible) and let them reveal their decision

    You people will get a tag of cruel sils if you try to send them out now
     
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  6. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly, they are just making excuses for not wanting to help. what people would say is the last thing sensible people think in times like this.

    My fil was in the hospital off and on for around 3 months before he passed away. My husband was stuck up in a big project as he was the team leader he could not completely leave work, he would visit fil off and on. I was there with my fil my daughter was only 6 months. My family stood firm with me at that time. So many times I took matters in my own hands like which hospital to go to, whether to have a surgery or no. My husband had left all these decisions on my dad and brother as they have good contacts. My husband kind of feels helpless when it comes to decision making in things happening in India. Because he left the country long time back and he feels completely out of system in India. I was going mad juggling between hospital and home, I was breast feeding, it was north Indian summer the heat was almost unbearable. My mom gave me a very good hand in looking after my daughter. Even in that time my mil never left a chance to talk bad about me or family, directly or indirectly. But I didn't care because at that time it was my Fil who needed care and he got that. He could not survive but both me and my husband have that the satisfaction that he got the best treatment when he really needed it. I came really close to my fil in that time. His last words to me were I am much more dearer to him than his sons. My husband and bil are truly thankful to my family for helping out in that critical time. Mil, her sisters and nieces continuously talked bad about me and family does it bother me yes a bit but the satisfaction I got from looking after my fil in his last time is huge, will stay with me almost all my life. It would have been be really foolish of me and my family had we have paid attention to what my mil and her sister were saying at that time.
     
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  7. padmaja909

    padmaja909 Platinum IL'ite

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    Everyone has said everything @katochsimi.
    First of all may your father get well soon, speedy recovery to him. secondly do you know the story of snake who refused to hiss? From your description I felt that Your mom is a simple and very soft lady. She is tolerating her DIL's tantrums because of love on her son and grandson. Basically not being cunning she cannot show off and count everything she is doing for her DIL. But now with your father ill her burden has increased. You have to bring her out from this web, if only for the sake of her health. She may not be able to bite but at least teach her to hiss.

    As great saint Ramakrishna Paramahamsa said:

    "A man living in society should make a show of tamas to protect himself from evil-minded people. But he should not harm anybody in anticipation of harm likely to be done him."
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That is a sad story pear .Sometimes people bend over backwards too much.They should have asked son and dil to separate long back. Somethings have to be done .Doesn't matter if it is dil or ils.

    As for the Op....most of the posts have been based on her first few posts where she is piling the bile on a sil she seems biased against since the day she got married.
    Subsequent posts showing sil shouting and being obnoxious etc paint a different picture.

    The Op 's father is coming home from hospital and she still has the time to post updates about sil's behavior .This is not a 'what to do...life and death situation 'help 'kind of thread . Most people would be concentrating on helping out instead of worrying about what some random forumers are writing .
     
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  9. littlehearts

    littlehearts Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Op... I just wanted to add few points.

    As you said your sil is from different state in your first post. Their cooking style/recipes and everything might be different. So she might be feeling not feel comfortable for it. Also she might not feel comfortable coming in to the kitchen and help or cook completely.

    Also the first 6 days after delivery what do you expect. Also for sil's mother itself takes little time to adjust with baby's schedule, your house pattern, people. If your brother is in US and sil's mother came US to help. She can take over the kitchen in first week itself.
    Also you said you are 3 sisters, ask your mom to take rest and all the 3 sisters can cook and hire a maid services. Also in India you get lot of options like get chapathi's from curry point etc.

    And sil might also say that she was struggling completely during pregnancy and got high BP because of you guys. So don't involve in anything, just help me little and relax. She might have told her point-of-view about you guys.

    If your sil's mother is staying for long time like 2 months then gradually you can ask her for can you cut these vegetables or something like that.

    Also I saw your replies and I feel you are taking more negatively about your sil.

    This is universal truth that no one treates fil as father, feel for him and avoid eating sleeping especially during pregnancy. Even your brother says her to eat and take care of her health during pregnancy.

    I do agree there are very bad dil's. I have seen many of them. Atleast your sil is acting good infront of them, that is she has little bit respect on them. I have seen worst dil's in my life, who doesn't respect anyone. Who back answers them. don't even talk to their mil for months even staying together(MIL cooks for everyone even after 8 yrs of marriage). I have seen them personally.

    So take good from your sil and remember that there are much more dangerous DIL in the world.

    Also, concentrate on your fathers health and keep aside all these small stuff aside. Its not the time to think on these.
     
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  10. Shivali3

    Shivali3 Bronze IL'ite

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    Already lot of the ladies given advices to you. My suggestion is for now you are going though a tough time your father is in hospital. First please take care of your father mother and child. This is not a right time to think what your sil did because you are not in a position to solve those problems. You are tired and worried anxious. Please don't look what your Sil is or her mother is doing, let your brother take care of them. Appoint a maid who can do cooking. If you need more help ask your sisters. Once your father is well then discuss as family members. Let your parents decide with whom they want to stay or how they want to stay. Some parents are scared of staying alone so they just do what they sons ask them to do or they pampers their sons so much that it comes to a point where sons knows that their parents will do what they are saying. I think your mother has pampered your brother a lot. To a point that now he has become selfish. ask your mother to take rest you handle kitchen and other stuff. In case your Sil needs something if you can provide so do it, if not ask your brother, if he shouts need to stop him firmly. Do not shout him just don't listen or walk away. You need to be v strong at this time donot let circumstances break you.
     
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