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Help Needed in Deciding Marriage Alliance

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Beingpositive1, Aug 12, 2015.

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  1. Aug 16, 2015 #31
    Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont condone hiding info on purpose. But after reading the thread, one can see why people get desperate to hide/lie since they seem to think that even the healthy kid can still be redflagged and not married - still wrong to lie, certainly.

    If one reads this thread, one may form an impression that families with special needs kids are doomed - as an entire family including normal sibling (and that when people have decent income and money, imagine the ones who are not financially well-off in addition to this). Probably need a separate thread to ask if one has a special needs sibling, how they survive these biases (without abandoning as 'not my responsibility')
     
    Ragini25, Aug 16, 2015
    Ragini25, Aug 16, 2015
    #31
    3 people like this.
  2. Aug 16, 2015 #32
    ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I think that's a great idea!
     
    ChennaiExpress, Aug 16, 2015
    ChennaiExpress, Aug 16, 2015
    #32
  3. Aug 16, 2015 #33
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't feel doomed for having had my son. I'm not going to lie to get my daughter a husband even if it means she is going to stay single for the rest of her life. I also don't expect my daughter's spouse to pitch in and help my son. Unfortunately, I have a friend with a special needs sibling. Since she is a woman, her brother lives in a home somewhere in India. Her parents are no longer around and she could not take care of him. The amount of guilt and crying over her brother makes me want to put a board in my daughter's room saying that by living your life you are not abandoning your brother. The term abandon is thrown out at my friend quite often. From her I have learned a very important lesson. Society will sit on a pedestal and judge my daughter. It's up to me to instill in her that she is free to live her life as she chooses. She has a choice to be there for him as long as she wishes and as much or as little as she wants. Mom and Dad even after we are no longer around will never ever say that she is abandoning him. We will do whatever it takes for special needs trusts and group homes and fund managers to ensure she can have the flexibility. If by God's grace he does get integrated up to an extent and still has issues we will still be having a setup for him. It is very unfortunate that in India the system is still not in place. There are so many women out there who have special needs siblings who cannot do a thing about it. It's a hard choice to make. My friend wanted to stay unmarried and take care of her brother. Her parents forced her into this marriage. They were worried that after them, she won't have any real support. Men may find it less taxing because they are not physically expected to take care. There are men who do that but very few and far between. My friend said it was hard to even get a maid to work at the house because of her brothers volatile temper. Even when the mother is sick for a day she couldn't rest. The daughter was already married and she could not call her to help as often as she liked. My friend went as and when she could but living in America she had limited power over that. Thankfully her parents left money for him. She doesn't have to worry about finances but I really feel for those siblings that don't have any of the options. I still think it isn't fair to expect the spouse to pitch in. Even with all of this knowledge, I will still tell OP to not go into this. It's not worth the sacrifice if you are not willing. If you are of the service mentality then go to a home and volunteer but don't take this on for life.
     
    Laks09, Aug 16, 2015
    Laks09, Aug 16, 2015
    #33
    10 people like this.
  4. Aug 16, 2015 #34
    Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Laks,
    I understand what you wrote. Also, I didnt mean 'abandon' in th sense of your dau not having a choice. I meant it in the sense of what if she (or another person) wants to make the choice to support the sibling more. (Not talking your case specifically, just in general, and I know of special kids in close family circles too). Being 'forced to abandon' is what I meant - sometimes the force is direct, and sometimes its indirect as in societal red-flagging. Anyway, more than many other threads, I feel this thread is not a straightforward advice, and my heart does go out to the special kids of God and their families.
    Take care.
     
    Ragini25, Aug 16, 2015
    Ragini25, Aug 16, 2015
    #34
    5 people like this.
  5. Aug 16, 2015 #35
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @ragini25 - I didn't disagree with what you said. Just added another perspective on the abandonment issue. It isn't easy for anyone to make these choices but life isn't always fair for everyone, an? Nobody is putting a gun to the guy's head asking him to abandon his bro. He should be able to do what he wants with his sibling. It isn't right for him to want the best of both worlds. If he wants to fend for his brother then so be it. He should be willing to do it himself with minimal help physically from the spouse. If all he wants is emotional support then I'm sure it's a non issue for most sane people. This getting married by saying the brother isn't living with him and then being there for the sibling after the mom passes on or such things are common place in India. We have to safeguard ourselves first. We have to ask the tough questions. What are the plans in place after the mom or if the mom gets I'll. Women feel trapped in such situations otherwise. It isn't that he is option less and has to lie. He has the option of finding a woman who had the same situation and marrying her. He has the option of a single mum with a special needs child, she will surely understand and appreciate the help. He isn't out of options. Men have much more options than women in such situations. The guy should be happy that he is a guy and not a woman in this situation in our society.
     
    Laks09, Aug 16, 2015
    Laks09, Aug 16, 2015
    #35
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  6. Aug 16, 2015 #36
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @ragini25
    Lying does not help either sides.Such situations need a person who willingly wants to be there to help or atleast does not mind it . Care cannot be forced. What if the woman refuses to take care or help if she is lied to . Then the guy loses out on the option of finding a more understanding partner too because not taking care of sibling is not grounds for divorce.

    If the guy wants a partner who is willing to shoulder the responsibility for a life time,then he needs to put all cards out in the open and let the woman decide. It may need compromising on other 'wants' from a partner or may mean a longer wait ,but that is the only way of out.
    Sad ,but the truth.

    As for red flagging people who have other 'healthy' siblings.....one can totally understand it in a country where sometimes the eldest child or the first earning child is expected to take on the responsibilities of a parent in terms of education and marrying of the sibling/s in style befitting the desires of the parents.

    Here too ,you need a partner who is willing to shoulder this responsibility without grudges. Better to red flag and pass on than to hold grudges and resentment for lives. After all ,it is not a normal expectation .Taking care of children and parents in need is what is normal. Anything else is up for 'red flagging ' depending on ones nature and expectations. This is fair to everyone concerned as it leads to happier families.

    Red flagging helps in eliminating the incompatible prospects for both sides.
     
    yellowmango, Aug 16, 2015
    yellowmango, Aug 16, 2015
    #36
    2 people like this.
  7. Aug 16, 2015 #37
    sun01

    sun01 Bronze IL'ite

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    It seems to me there is no intentional lie.

    OP's cousin side, some presumptions are made that groom's mother and brother will live separately permanently.


    Groom's side, he sent his mother and brother to his native place as he is going for onsite job, but not to get married.

    Since OP's cousin side did not ask specifically about his long term plan for responsibilities, he also might thought they are fine with it. Just a perception.

    This could be seen as communication gap instead of intentional lie.

    If the groom has planned for intentional lie, he could have told explicitly that my mother will take care of my brother, they will be living at my native place permanently.... etc.

    Now OP's cousin side can think and see how much responsibility is acceptable to them and also discuss with the groom what are his long term plans about his responsibilities toward his brother after his mother. The open discussion clears all the presumptions and makes decision making easy.

    Even OP's side could offer ideas like ,
    mother could take care of his brother living separately as long as she can,
    after her mother they need to plan for care home for his brother

    After the open discussions take the right decision. This suggestion is based on following statement from your message, otherwise alliance would not have come this far and red flag could have been applied in the very beginning.

    "This guy don't have father and he has mother and mentally ill brother and we are aware of his responsibilities and they are from small town"
     
    sun01, Aug 16, 2015
    sun01, Aug 16, 2015
    #37
    2 people like this.
  8. Aug 17, 2015 #38
    Beingpositive1

    Beingpositive1 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    There was update on my side.we(Me and My husband) thought that there is nothing wrong in asking guy or his relatives about his responsiblities like will they move in with this guy and if so ,what are his plans.As this alliance was brought by my inlaws we thought it would be nice if my FIL asks them.


    But having come from orthodox family,i am aware that they will not take nicely and the same happened and my MIL asked me like how can you ask this question ?
    Is it not their responsibility and how did u come to conclusion that they will stay with ur cousin etc etc.


    I am aware of all of this and it will not be good to ask but i thought that this responsibility is for life time and the trouble which me or my inlaw goes is temporary.After 3 days,after shouting lot of words,my FIL asked them indirectly and the guys relatives said that they will not come and stay.


    we had only this update for now.

    Thanks a lot for all ur replies.
     
    Beingpositive1, Aug 17, 2015
    Beingpositive1, Aug 17, 2015
    #38
  9. Aug 17, 2015 #39
    DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Why start a married life - or Re-marriage in a dilemma. Not getting married (or immediately) is better than jumping into another marriage and regretting.

    Your cousin has to stop thinking of curse or what ever she is thinking and take wise decision..
     
    DrKadambari, Aug 17, 2015
    DrKadambari, Aug 17, 2015
    #39
  10. Aug 17, 2015 #40
    Beingpositive1

    Beingpositive1 Junior IL'ite

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    we are not rushing into remarriage immediately.There are various things which had to be considered for the marriage and we feel we waited long enough for her to settle down and now she is ready for next phase in her life.


     
    Beingpositive1, Aug 17, 2015
    Beingpositive1, Aug 17, 2015
    #40
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