Husband would like to become sperm donor

adimad · Aug 16, 2015

Hello ladies!

I have been married for almost 7 years now with a 2 yo DD. Have has a lot of issues with in-laws always and things have been really bad ever since I got pregnant. After the last visit of my in-laws, I am taking a lot of time to get over everything and feel like I don’t love my hubby as much after his actions and words, which he says was under their influence. Anyhow, I have decided to continue with my marriage but not expect love or happiness from it. I am doing it for the sake of my daughter.

Now my husband said he wanted to help people by becoming sperm donor. I was absolutely fine with that. I thought that is just like any other donation – like blood etc – and wasn’t concerned. But before he can do that, both partners have to go for counselling. The session was to let us know in detail about the process and possible outcomes so that we can decide if we are comfortable with it.

We were told that although everything is anonymous, the child(ren) born as a result will have a legal right to get information about sperm donors identity and contact him, after they turn 18. Doesn’t mean they will – its up to them – but they can if they want to.

-They may also request to contact before that but donor can say no if they are not 18 yet

-Donor doesn’t have any rights or responsibilities towards those children – so they wont have any rights to our money or property or name for that matter. But they just have a right to know whose genes they have and where they came from.

The counsellor asked us to think deeply on the following before deciding and also discuss with friends and get their opinions:

- How would it feel to know that my daughter has half-sisters/brothers in this world
- How would it feel if the child contacts my hubby after 18 years and says you are my biological father
- How would it feel if by chance I don’t conceive again but am aware that my hubby has 5-10 other kids
- How would my daughter feel about it

I still don’t mind it if my hubby really wants to do it. I am happy to know that it is mostly single women and lesbian couples who will be helped by sperm donation.

But now I am a bit worried after knowing that it will require that much involvement for my family – It’s not like blood donation. My relationship with my husband is anyway not that good and I don’t want another child. So I wasn’t much bothered about if he wants to go for it. But not sure if it can affect DD.

Am I asking for more trouble by doing this? What is your opinion? Does anyone here have experience like this? Please give your suggestions

lucky22 · Aug 16, 2015

Dear OP,

I am sorry for what you are going through, its really difficult to accept the fact that your husband might have children with other women (even if it is through artificial methods). Did you start attending those counselling sessions yet? If not, i would highly recommend you to start taking advantage of those to discover you feelings. Also, i recommend you to speaking to a therapist(individual counselling -- i hate to recommend these but it is the best option if you cant speak to your own family about these worries). While what your husband wants to do is a noble task, it might not be the case from your POV. I have read through your previous threads about your issues with your husband and his family, so i really feel for what you might be going through. I think it is high time you talk to him openly about what you feel.

On a different note, just for the sake of it, how would he feel/react if on one fine day you announce that you want to be a egg donor? Not that you are going to do that, but i am raising this question just for the sake of the argument. Please excuse me if i have offended you in any means. All the best for whatever you decide to do.

yellowmango · Aug 16, 2015

I wouldn't allow. Having children is a big responsibility.In my personal opinion ,one should not have kids if one cannot be responsible for their well being till adult hood.

What if one of his children approaches him and he gets emotionally involved with the child(how is it possible to not be)?

What if the parents abandon or abuse the children?Will he stay just a door then.

I have signed up for organ donation.So has my husband.My husband is a regular blood donor.I do so when my hemoglobin count allows(very rarely) .But I would never donate our potential children because for me, somethings are not up for donation.

If you are not okay with this,ask him if he will be okay with you having kids around in other homes.If the children contact you or have information about you.

If you are fine with this...then it is okay. people have different views on this topic.

yellowmango · Aug 16, 2015

Op,if he is keen on this because he wants to help people,then ask him to become a blood donor. He can donate blood every 3-6 months and it is even believed to help the donor . He can donate platelets even more frequently.

Is it possible that he is doing this to get back at you for not wanting any more children?

Ragini25 · Aug 16, 2015

Very personal decision where IL-ites cannot really offer direction (even though we have our own personal opinions, we should not influence you). Very personal decision that you and DH should discuss and make the final decision. Every IL-ite will have their own views but doesnt matter.

MalStrom · Aug 16, 2015

This is a serious, responsible decision that should be made jointly by both of you. Our opinions are irrelevant, though we can caution you about the pitfalls.
Keep in mind that once he donates, it is irreversible and things are out of his hands. Will he brood about the future children that may result? There is no control over the types of homes/environments these children will be born to.
Or there may be no resultant children. Intended parents when picking egg or sperm donors tend to go for the best qualities due to their unique position to choose: good looks, tall height, excellent educational background, perfect health and so on. Average candidates seldom get picked.
There is always the possibility that the resulting offspring may want to find their biological parent. Will that roil your lives and those of your own children at a later date?
So have him examine his true motivations and proceed accordingly.

Rihana · Aug 16, 2015

adimad said: ↑

Please give your suggestions
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Is your explicit OK needed for him to be able to donate? You need to sign and agree to being aware of some things etc? Then, don't. Messing with nature (even in a positive way to help others) puts stress on a marriage, and yours is not strong enough to withstand avoidable stress.

If your OK/signature is not needed, then, simply leave it to him.

In any case, it is a very personal decision. You can read posts here, but take the decision based solely on what you want - not what is 'right', 'fair', 'popular'.

adimad · Aug 16, 2015

Thank you everyone for reading and responding.
Of course the decision will be personal but it helps to know different perspectives - sometimes other people can bring up important points that we wouldnt have thought of on our own. Plus if someone has had experience and can share, that is a great opportunity to learn.

As far as consent is concerned, yes my consent will be explicitly required. SO I can say no.

I dont know what exactly is going on in hubby's mind but to me as well as to the counselor, he said that he always wanted to help others and he saw an ad on FB about this which motivated him to explore further. he hasnt said yes yet because like me he also didnt know that it required so much involvement.

Yes I also thought it was better to adopt than this unnatural procedure. But when the counselor told us that mostly lesbian couples and single women are the recipients, I also wanted them to be helped. Because esp single women - they want kids but dont want relationship with a man - so this is the only way they can have a child that is their own.

Chances of my husband doing this to spite me are very less. He is not the type of person who gets back at anyone - forget his close family members. To spite me, he gives me silent treatment and stops being involved in household work/ helping me. Never does anything else to show his anger - but dont get the idea that that is easy... it is emotionally super painful. Anyway, my point is that he is passive aggressive and doesnt take such actions to spite me usually.

The other thing I want to clarify about the procedure is that even after donation and even infact after fertilisation, donor has the right to withdraw consent. In that case, the embryos are destroyed and not transferred to the woman's uterus.

Regarding recipients choosing donors, a thorough health check is conducted before donation so if there is anything less than desirable healthwise, donation is not taken. The donation process is a few months long with a lot of paperwork. And the first child conceived wouldnt be before 1 year from when (if) he decides to go ahead.

True that we dont control the lives or choices of those children born but 2 things:
A. we dont control it for any other childern in the world either, except ours, so be it.
B. people who want children so bad that they go through this painful and cumbersome and expensive treatment to have a child would most probably do everything in their power to ensure that the child gets the best - like any parents would anyways.

Personally I was feeling that it wouldnt affect me much even if the children made contact. It would be interesting to see what they look like especially if their mother is of a different race ;-p

But I am not 100% confident that my husband will not be affected. I suspect he will not be able to stop himself from becoming emotionally invested and THAT is something dangerous for marriage.

I do not want to be the one saying no if he still decides to go ahead. But if he decides not to then I wont encourage him to do it.

Again knowing all the different point of views is really really helpful. SO please dont stop yourself from expressing your opinion. All the posters in this forum have been so helpful and all your comments are valuable. Thank you!

achu1 · Aug 16, 2015

Very best wishes for whatever decision you make.

Life is too short. So enjoy it by the way you want.

Rihana · Aug 16, 2015

adimad said: ↑

Again knowing all the different point of views is really really helpful. SO please dont stop yourself from expressing your opinion.
Click to expand...

If you say so, then:

Laws regarding biological parents and children are subject to change. You interpret the laws and what you are signing in one way. A few years later, one of the parties files a case. What then? Read up some recent cases regarding IVF, frozen fertilized embryos and donor cases. When all goes well, such techniques are a boon to those dealing with infertility or single and looking for a donor.

Another scenario - a few years down the line, due to whatever avoidable or unavoidable circumstances, willingly or unwillingly, your husband finds himself legal guardian of the child. What then?

The desire to help others is good. But, should a married-with-child person be a sperm donor? Even decisions like adopting a child, putting up a child for adoption, or being a foster parent are to be taken after lots and lots of thought as it involves children. Being a sperm donor, is even more involved decision than these.

My basic logic is leave the sperm donation and egg donation, surrogate motherhood etc to single people - people who are currently single. If you are married and have young kid, avoid the hassles.