Help Needed in Deciding Marriage Alliance

Dear op,

Taking care of a mentally ill brother is not easy .I used to be friendly with a neighboring aunt who had such a son ......used to spend some time with her as she cant go out much .The mentally ill son used to ask me casual questions before his mom now and then.After a period of 3 or 4 such occasion he kept trying to come close to me physically when he sees me passing through thier house.First i thought it could be accidental and may be he lost his balance .......then it again happened 2 or 3 times.Then my maid explained (saw it 3rd time it happened) that she encountered the same problem with him and stopped working for them within a month.Still i talk normally to that aunty when i see her on my way,but stopped visiting her home.If i see her son i make sure to keep my distance and stopped responding friendly for his comments(dont want to encourage him).

Although thier mental growth is not upto the mark ,they have normal physical growth with adequate sexual urges.As its not practical to marry them off ,the care takers are faced with this problem too in addition to food and other arrangements. You cant expect him to understand relationships ,sense right from wrong.

You could ask your family to have open talk with him regarding the arrangements.Your sister needs to convey openly that she cant take physical responsibility of his brother.No use beating around the bush .....need to be straight .The first understanding that the mom-brother wont be sharing space with the couple and the latest hint after the proceedings started seems like a planned move(a very common tactic in such cases). Thier selection of a divorcee could be based on the belief that the girl would adjust to not endup as a failure once more.

 

Now a days many are breaking engagement if things are not fine. It is better for your sister to let go of this match. One of my team mates son is a special needs person and i know how difficult it is.

 

pear i have similar experience at my sisters house.Her bil would come too close to me tat it would make me uncomfortable.My sister is married for 10 years but i have visited her house on few occasions only.

 

My mother's was an arranged match. In those days, background verification was not so much done. After marriage she came to know that not only was she responsible for taking care of ILs, but she was also responsible for taking care of special needs brother of my father. This was hidden by my grandparents on purpose.

It was very tough years of her married life and although she bore the burden till the end, she regrets that best years of her life passed just toiling night and day for the family. She knew no rest. Later on my grandmother also became demented and had this condition for 15 years. Some problems with them:

1. Being violent at time (shouting, hitting, throwing/breaking things). Hitting by an adult is very different than that of a child. While they might not be mentally grown up they have full physical strength.
2. Being depressed at times (refusing to bath for weeks at times, doing everything in clothes, refusing to eat/drink) - here DIL only has to clean up and feed like a baby.
3. Misbehaving with visitors at home.
4. Doing things repetitively (standing for hours at washbasin washing hands, occupying washroom and bathing for hours etc etc)
5. Removing clothes and refusing to put back like a child (an adult doing this is very much embarrassing and humiliating. Children in the house are also witness to this along with any outside visitors)
6. Competing with small kids at home for small things like candy and hitting them to take it away (even though the special needs uncle also got his own share every time).
7. Household help will generally not stay put in such houses however well the payment might be and however well other family members might treat them.
8... a long list...

We as kids saw this through our entire childhood until he passed away. We never knew peaceful environment at home - first due to uncle and then due to grandmother.

In this case father's others brothers, sister and their families refused to bear this burden (yes, in long run it becomes an emotionally and physically draining burden) even for few weeks. We never saw our mother have a single moment of rest or have an entirely peaceful week without any episodes. And she bore this all with a good mind and attitude - never shouting or getting angry - salute to her.

When we children became older (and in job), we also contributed by taking care of our grandmother. I took break from my job and took care of her along with my mother for 1 year - she was bed bound and had no sense of anything wrong/right. I didn't have the same patience as my mother and tended to get frustrated.

I know how hard it is and what a challenge it is. It takes a huge emotional and physical toll on the care taker (which is usually the DIL). My mother became bitter because of facts being hidden from her before marriage and her spending entire life in hardship.

I wouldn't suggest OP to go into such an arranged match. Even though they might be staying away now - after a few years the responsibility will fall on the brother and his wife (and subsequently grown children).

Note - I understand that we should be noble and sacrifice and take care of such people. But having seen my family suffer and having been a sufferer myself, I know the huge effort required.

 

What a pitiable state the groom is in (because his brother is ill). Its his brother so he cannot abandon him outright, but his own life is looked at under a microsope for eligibility (for the fault that he was born as his bro). Not sure what the solution is, but thats quite sad that he's being 'red-flagged'.

 

Whatever your father's side did your your mother is a sin and downright criminal.

I hope your mother is now finding peace and happiness in her later years.

And even if background verification is done, it is not perfect.

Background verification was done for my abusive ex, but it turns out he paid someone in the detective agency to create a good report for him.

I really feel sorry for your mother, and hope God is now making up for her lost years. I nearly cried when I read your post.

My question to OP is, if the situation was reversed, do you think the groom would marry your cousin?

One more things

I agree we should take care of each other, but it is very SELFISH and CRUEL of groom's family to propose marriage just to get another caretaker.

Very SELFISH and CRUEL on their part.

He should have been honest from day 1 about his family arrangement, then OP's cousin can decide.

 

I agree groom is in pitable state, but he tried to hide facts from OP.

Notice how we have Indusladies.com, and not Indusgents.com, because everyday women are put under a more finer microscope by our society (for things that are not their fault either, just see Hindustan Times, etc for bad things that happen to women that make them less "marriageable") than this "pitable" groom.

If women like OP's cousin doesn't shoulder the burdens of the Universe for a bunch of stranger who can easily replace her as daughter-in-law (or care-taker), she is called selfish and other not-so-nice names.


Honestly, I have absolutely no sympathy for the groom. If the situation was reversed, this "pitable" groom would have kicked OP's cousin by now, and she would be creating another thread "why did he reject us, what slokas and prayers to chant"


OP, God was kind and got your cousin out of her first marriage. Please don't push her into hell again because of what others will think of your family.

 

This thread really triggered a response in me....

One other thing. There is a young man who I was really enamored with for the longest time, and I was watching him from a distance.

Once in a while, I would see him do things that gave me a funny feeling (you know, 6th sense), but I just ignored it.

Then I prayed to God about it, and realized this person at the very least is a bit mentally imbalanced himself (not as badly as the groom's brother, this person has job, but is rather depressed), who has low self-esteem, and doesn't own up to any of his responsibilities.

Whether it is love marriage, or arranged marriage, or something in between, think of any children that come out of it. Don't they deserve a happy, healthy, loving, home environment?

 

Exactly my thoughts. OP, your cousin wants to be someones wife. Don't push her to be next mother Theresa. There is a difference between thing about yourself only and thinking about yourself also. If later is also called selfish, then I would like to be selfish.

 

In my honest opinion, its better not to go through this alliance. As everybody mentioned, its not easy to take care of a special needs person.
Its very challenging and tiresome to take care of an extra normal person at home (a mother/IL), so a special needs person would be a VERY big thing (no offense to anybody). You cousin is also working you mentioned, so how is it possible for her to handle all of this.
And trust me, if you guys discuss this issue somehow with the guy and he might PROMISE you that this mother and bro wont be living with them now, what if he just bluntly says after marriage that she has to take care of them! Then there will be nothing you guys can do and your cousin is forced again into a life filled with hardship (unless she is ready to take the responsibilities).

It would be wise to decline the alliance, otherwise there will be hardship further.