Hello All, I hardly post on this forum but I do come here for silent reading at times when I just feel very low. I can relate to so many issues here and sometimes it helps to just know that you're not alone. I am a working mom of a 2 year old. Thanks to god, me and my husband have good jobs and settled well in US. I consider myself smart when it comes to professional work, but a big loser when it comes to being the lady of the house and mother to my child. I have never been one of those women who enjoy cooking/cleaning/decorating the house. Before I was married, it wasn't a big deal, but ofcourse now it is . The only reason me and my husband fight, is because I am very careless when it comes to home. He helps a LOT with cleaning etc, but I find myself not at all enjoying cooking. I still do cook almost everyday, but cleanign the kitchen, then bedrooms, arranging stuff is something I just dont look forward to. I still do it, but I need to find a motivation in doing it hapily. Now since my son is born, I try to cook more often for him, so I can give him healthy food. He goes to the daycare, so the only time I spend with him is evening. My point is, I don't know why, but I am not as passionate towards doing all the wife/mom things that other women enjoy. I can honestly say that I do feel I am careless, also when it comes to myself and my body. I still havent lost the pregancy weight, and the only thing in life that I can be proud of is my career. Feelign very low lately, because I just cant manage to keep it together.
Don't beat up yourself . You are doing a good job by cooking often . When you spend majority of time outside home in office , there is no motivation to come back and get into knew deep house work . This is where you need loosen purse strings and get hired help. i know it takes money but couple hundreds $ to get home cleaned biweekly or precession will lift your spirits . as for cooking looks like you genuinely dislike cooking , try to see if you get any Indian help who can cook few basic stuff couple days a week and go from there or atleast get chapatis from local gujju ladies and try and cook curries . try shortcuts , try to learn slow cooking where you can leave the things in slow cooker which requires a prep of may be few minutes instead of who legal hour for cooking curry . Try to talk to other working ladies and see how they manage . When we warn money , we have to use that money to buy some convenience for us so that we spend our previous free time with loved ones
Do not be so harsh on yourself. Focus on the important things, it is not healthier to cook often (cook big batches and put in the freezer, it is as healthy as fresh food), clean on the weekends together with your hubby, make breakfast easy and if possible have lunch outside so less cooking. The most important is to be with the child in the evening. Playing, reading stories etc. If possible get a cleaner (eg twice per month). Take clothes to the dry cleaning if that is convenient for you.
OP- Hugs to you! Oh, you sound like me. I don't enjoy cooking either. I am not much a decorator either. Our solution- my husband cooks and I do dishes/clean stove. He cooks two or three times a week and we freeze from each batch. I cook sometimes to give him a break and if I cook, he does dishes. Now after baby no 2 we hired a cleaning lady and she comes twice a month. We fold laundry together and general dusting/ vacuuming together as well. Our evenings are in most part dedicated to the kids. Whatever we do (cooking/ cleaning) we involve our son (almost 3 yr) in it. For decoration and stuff, neither of us care much. he buys things if he likes something and if I see something nice, i'll buy it. P.S._One of my friends once commented that my lab notebook is much more organized than my kitchen. I take it as a compliment
Cooking and cleaning is not a rocket science. As many people suggested, make a simple meal plan during the weekend, and do the varieties over the weekend together with your husband. Cook in batches and freeze. So that a simple heat up in a microwave would do the cooking for the day. Do not accumulate any work for the weekend. If possible do the little little cleaning daily, of course with husband. Most importantly hire some help outside. Don't be so harsh on you, at the same time don't be so lazy. NOt just for cooking, but it is important to have a clean, tidy and welcoming home for the kids' to grow healthy (both physically and mentally). Also, caring yourself is more important. Spend some times for yourself now.
Is that really a new post or my own inner soul talking aloud?? thats the feeling i got as soon as i read your post! so you are not alone alright. It will take its own course time to get these stuff done. Am married for like 10 years now, I take your side while my DH is more like yours. After kids, it is got worser in fact. It is not definitely easy to balance work and home. But my own experience - for once I couldnt get ANY maid... just any maid you know. So I was forced to do the cleaning stuff myself; I had to as my baby was very small, crawling everywhere, peeing here and there. My DH helped me a lot. I woke up a bit early than the usual and voila! I had some more time to do this stuff. First I didnt like it... then it kind of got into my routine. Still more the motivating factor was the weight loss. BUT... that did not mean I do my work myself without maid. Now I have a maid, but that consciousness of neatness has settled in. I said only 'consciousness' not the actual work, ok!! :-D But I give a try.. a serious try. The one thing that hurts is that your kids are watching you. They become the same not-so-passionate towards cleanliness case. So at least for them cultivate a habit. Simple habit of keeping things in thier places after its usage. Everything is difficult to start with but will become better later on. For the cooking part - yes freezing is an option. Or go for some cooking classes. You enjoy the classes and there by will possibly get an interest in cooking. For me, I love to try out varieties instead of spending LOTS in hotel. Learn simple tips and tricks that will wrap your kitchen work faster and easier. With regularity you will get speed too. Decide the menu well ahead and do some prep the previous day itself. just keep the actual cooking part only on the day. All the Best All the Best.
Husband "helps" a "LOT" with the cleaning etc, but those remain primarily your responsibility. You are smart at professional work, so you will understand the difference between both being responsible for the daily chores and those being primarily your responsibility with husband "helping." This is usually the arrangement in many Indian households. Nothing wrong with it per se. But, if it is leading to fights, and you are beginning to believe you are careless about home, and a loser, then the arrangement needs some revisiting and introspection. I'll put it bluntly - if I were a working mother with a two year old, and got comments on my cooking, housekeeping, decoration, cleaning, then someone would get hurt real bad. That women by default enjoy cooking, cleaning, arranging stuff and it is in their genetic makeup is nonsense. About yourself, your mind and body, yes, now that child is 2 years old, time to pick yourself up in those matters. And that will start once you stop beating yourself up over the house stuff. Windsorlady: mom of two year old, proud of career, professionally smart, cooks often. The rest is small stuff. Sachchi. Really.
dear your story is common with every other girl....so be cool not a very big issue to take tension and feel low. i was and m again (after second delivery) sailing in same boat. after delivery it takes approx three years to come back to everything (routine, body shape, normal thoughts, planning etc) this i have learnt from my own experience. i was also feeling so low being working after first DD and was really going mad in managing everything. my hubby is also very good and helps me a lot with all stuff. but still i wanted to be perfect in everything (this was red flag for tension). once i read chetan bhagat article on indian women and i changed a lot. he mentioned that we women want perfection in everythign and being working also we think that we should give good food, keep house neat and tidy, do best in office, give best in children and stress ourself. he said it is ok if you dont cook 3 type of food and just one. it is ok if you dont decorate your house and just keep neat, it is ok if you dont give 100% to children but whatever time you give make it quality time. so that re leaved me a lot. otherwise i was always comparing myself with housewife how they give best to family and how i keep them deprived ... so dear cheer up just a year more and you will be back to your routine life when you will enjoy your work, your playtime with child, your house work and our outings....keep patience and remember ...this will pass toohugsmiley
Dear OP, Most working mom face this problem. Usually I start my day at 5.00 am and get back home after 7.00pm. Working place is around 90 km away and you can imagine how tired I would feel since I commute by public transport. I sometimes fear going home thinking all the chores waiting for me. The house would be a mess since DS goes home early after school and have plenty of time to mess it. Cooking is something I dread doing . Thankfully my DH understands and he doesn't mind us buying food. But I guess those days are about to be over as my DS asks me to cook more often now days. How can we say no to our kid? Cleaning the kitchen after cooking? How I hate doing it. By the time I am done with cooking and cleaning, I would be drenched in sweat (very hot climate in my country now ). My legs would hurt and I would be cranky! I understand how you feel. I admit that I am not perfect, nobody is. We are expected to work and also perform the same chores as SAHM. How is that possible? Sometimes my DH too criticises my home management ways. But I don't simply care as I am doing all I can and if he is not satisfied, I told him to get a helper. You definitely need some motivation dear. Part of your problem could be caused by weight issues. I gained a lot weight after my miscarriage (hormonal imbalance) and only God knows how it effected me in many ways. Shopping is something I feared, my usual size didn't fit me anymore and that really upsets me. I get tired and irritated easily and mostly no mood for anything. My suggestions: 1. You don't have to do the cleaning everyday- sweep/vacuum/mop two days once. Organise your chores. You cant do all at once. 2. Cooking-try meals that is easy and can be served to everyone including children. I used to cook 2 different meal for DH and DS. Now I prepare just one dish. Example: you can cook mac and cheese, porridge, soups, pasta, stir fried/boiled vegies,simple noodles ,dosa . Indian meal takes time to prepare so I don't make them very often. Weekends are for Indian cuisine. 3.Try easy exercise. Like climbing stair case in your office. I started climbing stair case about 4 months back and lost about 8kgs. I don't drive to stores within walking distance, I walk. I don't have time for exercise and this is the only way I can loose some weight. 4. Avoid late night snacks. 5. Use fitted bed sheets. Less work. 6. Laundry?-washer does the work so...folding? Do it in front of TV. You do the work and get entertained at the same time. Less stress. Compliment yourself. Be proud of your achievements. You are doing well your career so you need to reward yourself. Go for relaxing holidays and forget about household chores. Good Luck
Dear OP, Dont punish yourself by thinking that you arent perfect. Also, I dont think cooking , cleaning etc are only your responsibility. Because you think like that, you feel guilty of not able to do it like other ladies do or you think they do. Your DH is equally responsible for doing house chores, No need to worry of him doing those chores. Hire cleaning and cooking help. You both work and well settled. We dont have kids yet, still we hire professional cleaning service twice in a month. I would have kept a maid also if they cooked Kerala food. If I were you, I would spend more time with my child. Take him to park in the evening,music class, swimming class etc. than doing things which I can get done by paying some money.
