Maintaining Relations with Extended Family

same thing happens with me too and interestingly it is not just the in-laws who have this check list, my parents have it too( mom has her side of relative's list and dad has his side of relatives list), and i have to oblige them.

 

When I go to India, I only call close friends and relatives. These are also the only people I visit in person. For the rest, I see them if they happen to drop by. I certainly don't spend much time going to visit distant relatives.
There is usually a wedding or two going on, so I get to see a lot of folks.
Family time is precious, and I usually spend most of my time with my parents. We also do a road trip and a couple of my favorite aunts will come along. This is one of the best parts of the trip. And the last day is strictly family: no phone calls, going out etc.
In the US, I do not have to call anyone as an obligation. When my parents visit though the phone is always ringing off the hook!

 

It all depends on how much this socializing effects your vacation. When it comes to a point where it starts upsetting you and spoiling your vacation ,thn one should put an end to it firmly.

In my case ,the major culprit were my parents,more like my father .He loves to socialize and would not let go of the opportunity to do so. The little days I would get to spend would be booked to socialize with his friends and extended family .I hated it. We were expected to go and meet up people we did't know just because parents were friends with them .My husband hated it more.

Finally I told my father ,we don't come here to socialize with your friends.We do not want to do this. My dad protested but I firmly told him ,if he did not want to spend time with us ,then we could reduce the duration. Finally now we spend all our time with parents and my mom does not have to cook for endless dinners with people We eat simple food and appreciate it.

My in laws don't like to socialize.They are the opposite of my parents.They would try to outsource the wedding attending to us."You people attend" It was not fun attending wedding where we didn't know any one. I sorted it out by not taking any formal wear for either of us. My mil even tried to put me in her saree and petticot ...but the blouse was a problem. I forgot the blouse every single year till she gave up.

 

My DH is in a whatsapp group with all his cousins and relatives , same way I am in a whatsapp group with all my relatives. We keep in touch through that, When we go to India, if we have time we would visit relatives of both sides. We both prefer to stay with parents when we visit india rather than going around places.

 

This is what is true in my case. My DH and I individually keep in touch with our cousins, then update each other with little nuggets of information about each other's side whenever (and if) necessary.

Phone calls from the US to extended relatives NEVER happens. It is MY IL's duty to keep in touch with all their siblings; once in a while, DH will ask them about his aunts or uncles, and get a stock reply. I will chip in with a polite comment or two.

Calling all aunts/uncles ONCE (not immediately after landing AND before leaving) while in India will be expected from me by IL's.

What you're doing is big drain on precious India time. Your DH is the main culprit here. And you need to get the message across to him from the first day your India tickets are booked. Make your itinerary which includes places that you want to go to, and let him know that this is what you would like to do BEFORE your IL's start booking your tickets.

Do you have kids? If yes, do they also tag along on these ridiculous relative-visiting-spree in India?

 

Vennella....I completely get where you are coming from especially since both me and DH come from families where relationships upto atleast 3rd generation are maintained...and both my parents and inlaws are very traditional..
So yes they expect the younger ones to call the elders... me and DH are the youngest in our respective clans ..so So yes its a lot of calling and visiting. Weeks before we even get there our entire calendar is booked. My co-sister tries really hard to manage but she can only do so much. There was one time where for 2 weeks straight I was eating all 3 meals breakfast lunch dinner at different homes and by the time I landed at my moms..I gave her strict orders to make plain pepper rasam for the next 5 days. The sight of food nauseated me.
...but behind all that formality there is a lot of love and affection..its different and... its solid. After all the plastic ..hi ..bye and we will drop by at our convenience and while we are there comment on ur silver ware and the lack of toddlers manners ... kind of lifestyle....Its nice to know there are still people who would put their lives on hold in case u need some help. With children outside India our parents need that support. They need people to hold the fort for 24 hrs till we get there.
A few social calls /phone is a small price to pay...dont u think?

 

yes private lone time with parents ..very much desired and I really know what u mean..I want that so badly myself..one day to have amma and appa to myself..even my co sister to myself..roam around streets of the city for chaat and some shopping ..but it takes a back seat ..3 weeks out of 52 weeks ..and some of us only visit once every couple of years..is it really that hard?
its not about what I want its about what makes them happy. This whole private time is a very western concept..Most desi parents thrive in large family gatherings..
Just like giving a gift to a guy..a pink teddy bear and a hallmark card makes the woman happy but knowing guys thats probably not on his top 100.