What is forgiving?

jayasala42 · Jul 16, 2015

Many of us have an impression that good memory is the ability to remember many things, even relating to earlier years in greater detail.We also feel that remembering is very good and that forgetfulness is always bad.We couldn't be more mistaken.

A good memory is an ideal balance between remembering and forgetting.An ability to remember everything is as much a curse as an inability to remember anything.Intelligence, the most prized gift,depends crucially on our ability to disregard or forget details that are no way essential.A prodigeous photographic memory renders the person incapable of intelligent thinking.
Many of us would have read the story of 'Funes,the Memorious',the dilemma of a man who is unable to forget anything that his senses are exposed to.

When one such person remembers about two glasses of fine grape juice he had, along with the fine taste comes the memory of number of grapes, the tall dark man with a beard handing over the juice and the untidy tables in front.

Forgetting the unessentials is equally a blessing.Our brain has been provided with a built in software of constantly sieving the insignificant ones.
yet some memories of cruel death,near death accidents etc haunt us often though we would like to forget them.Some psychological researchers even today hold the view that memories cannot be totally erased.They sink deep only to get aroused at the slightest trigger.

Suppose a father and son get involved in an accident. Father dies and son enters into a vegetable state only with heart working. How can a mother forget the incident?If it has resulted with the death of her husband alone, she could reconcile.But seeing her son daily in the horrible stage is a torture.

Sometimes we don't forget the insulting remarks passed on us and wanton accusations directed against us.
Here comes the theological or moral analogue,that is forgiving.
Forgiving is rising above the feeling of hurt or humiliation created in our minds by the undeserved bad treatment meted out to us.
We have heard many people say"I can even forget but not forgive".But the reality is unless we develop a sense of forgiving, it may not be possible to forget also.If one's past starts polluting the present we miss the joy of the present and creates a distrust in future too.

Forgiving is not a favour done to the wrong doer.By refusing to forgive someone, we’re choosing to hold on to all the anger and bitterness that their actions have created. When we choose to hold onto this anger and let it eat us up, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted, and even physically ill.Forgiveness is all about us, and not about the wrong doer. We don’t forgive other people because they deserve it. Forgiveness is not a justice issue; it’s a heart issue.

We need to take what we can learn, be mindful of the lesson, and move on. This may mean moving on with or without knowledge of the person who hurt us..

There is great value in mastering the skill of forgiving but not forgetting. Taking good care of ourselves requires regular forgiveness of others. Remember, we do it for us, not for them.

Buddha talks of 'Bliss Body' created out of positive thoughts and'hurt body' created out of

negative thoughts.The lower self'-hurt body' nurses grievances and remembers even small hurts.The nobler self or the 'Bliss Body' prompts us to forget trivial things and remember big ones with gratitude.
Choice is ours.If we choose to operate from the'Bliss Body" then our intuitive self itself will bring about a balance between what to remember and what to forget.

Jayasala 42

Viswamitra · Jul 16, 2015

Dear Smt.Jayasala,

A great post on forgiving! As you rightly pointed out, it is about us finding peace by forgiving more than forgiving a third person for his mistakes. More than what others said to us, it is our own reaction to what they said impacts us the most. Forgiving helps to overcome a prolonged reaction period. Receipt, Reaction and Response are three elements we can control. We can choose what to receive other than things we don't control. We can decide to control our reaction to a certain situation by controlling our mind. Thirdly, we can refine our response appropriately as our response explains our character. Even if we were to respond vehemently for something bad said to us, the injury caused by the words of that someone is going to remain with us more after we vehemently respond unless we make effort to forgive.

Acceptance of what happens out of our control is difficult especially when kith and kin are suffering due to health issues. Sometimes, it isolates an individual from the rest of the world and creates a sense of self pity. The worst thing to say to someone who has kith and kin hurting is to express our sympathy. We should not even attempt to say, "I understand how you feel". All one should do is to offer to help whenever possible. Even the person who is suffering should not allow the sufferings of their kith and kin impact their life to the extent possible. It is hard to say and practice but that is reality.

Lastly, forgetfulness sometimes is blessing. If we were to remember everything that we did in our prior lives, we won't be even able to start our life properly. As you rightly pointed out, good memory is remembering the positives and letting go the negatives after taking the lessons learned. Analytical mind can only analyze what is stored in the memory. More the analytical mind is focused on positives, better the quality of life will be.

Viswa

Akanksha1982 · Jul 16, 2015

Jaya Mam, a wonderful post. For me, it is easy to forgive than forget. I just can't forget any bad experience or any thing bad some one said about me (either directly or indirectly). Whenever the person comes in front, the whole previous experience runs through my mind even though I am cordial with the person at that moment. I still would end up helping the person but my mind remembers the earlier experience. Not sure whether good memory is a blessing or a curse.

girvani · Jul 17, 2015

Dear Jayasala mam,

What a great topic you have chosen today.This is the concept, forgiving, I am trying hardest to master. I also think that good memory can be a curse at times. I so try to overcome the bad incidents which happened in the past and think, OK, I am going to be positive and this time when I meet those people who had hurt me in the past, I will be open for a new start. Then, they again hurt me and then all the past memory will flood into me and perform rudra thandavam in my mind. Still I keep my self calm and respective but I hurt my self so much. One improvement is , now I totally understand that by remembering these I only hurt myself emotionally and the opponent is totally un affected. More importantly, I am allowing them to hurt me. However, I still do not know the technique to protect my self and ignore other people’s nasty behaviour. I so belief and pray that one day I will find the solution. Someone told me , if somebody hurts you then pray for their goodness then you will overcome that revengeful/hurt feeling. I do think, let them be happy but that is not solving my hurt yet.

jayasala42 · Jul 17, 2015

Dear Viswa,
Thank you very much for your valuable first feed back.Many do not realise that forgiving is a quality to improve ourselves and bring relieved of the heaped up tension and anger.Even if the hurting person is not available we can forgive .Forgetting is god given gift to give space for fresh thoughts and creative thinking.Forgetting may not lead to forgiving. But forgiving in itself is a great virtue in itself.Once forgiving is established, even non forgetting may not cause any harm.

Jayasala 42

jayasala42 · Jul 17, 2015

Dear Akanksha,
It is really great on your part to have given importance to forgiving.It is a great virtue indeed.
Jayasala 42

jayasala42 · Jul 17, 2015

Dear Girvani,

Dear Girvani,

I understand the anxiety and panic behind the insult directed against us.once we decide to forgive, those thorns will slowly vanish giving rise to positive outlook.there are certain sadists who find pleasure in hurting others and see them suffer.Once they realise that we are totally ignoring them and they have to automatically stop. One way insult will not go a long way.
I am very happy that you are trying your best to develop positive outlook.
Thank you Girvani for your feed back.

Jayasala 42

Poetlatha · Jul 17, 2015

A very essential post JayMa, very important for us to practice to forgive and forget. It sure does improve our quality of life. Viswa Sir's fb has added more to your article.

@Akanksha1982, @girvani : from my experiences, I have been hurt or taken for granted or exploited million times, and the result of this was acquiring low self esteem, inferiority complex, and losing my confidence, because I had bottled up and tried to put up with these people. One day I gathered the courage to open up and talk it out, for a fake sorry from them. But I understood their true self. Finally, I was relieved and realized never again to bottle up or tolerate things anymore if anything is wrong just open up then and there to clear the air. Then people stop hurting. I always forgive and forget but give them too many chances which I shouldn't because I end up suffering. So, I maintain a distance with such people.

secondly, I feel God puts us through such challenges for us to learn something and be thankful in my heart and pray for the goodness of the people who hurt.

Thirdly, Evaluate time to time about yourself, to see your inner self's progress. And let go off the ones that are like hurdles (Sorrowful, bitter experiences, anxiety, worries, tensions, anger,) that hinder your life. Be at peace to yourself. For the things that bother us, let us mentally put a boundary were these can't enter. By comprehending ourselves better, we will start avoiding things that hurt in our life. (We can't avoid, people or situations that hurt but will emotionally avoid it without reacting or absorbing it deeply within us). we will learn to forgive and forget. By being less egoistic (or no ego ), and reasoning out things to ourselves we gain more health and happiness and master the technique to forgive and forget.

Friends, I hope this will help, though I have written so much I feel I have not sufficiently brought out my points. But I hope you will benefit something out of this. Sorry for the long fb and thanks to all for your patience in reading.

girvani · Jul 17, 2015

Thank you @jayasala42 mam and @poetlatha for your guidance on the topic. I so appreciate that
Vani

iyerviji · Jul 17, 2015

My dear Jayakka

Many people, especially,ignorant people,want to punish you for speaking the truth , for being correct ,for being you.Never apologize for being correct ,or for being years ahead of your time .
If you’re right and know it,speak your mind . Even if you are a minority of one,the truth is still the truth .Mahatma Gandhi

In life we must be able to forgive and forget. We must realise that we ourselves are not perfect so we should be able to forgive. Those who have hurted us might have done knowingly or unknowingly. In relations sometimes we are so much hurt by others but still we have to maintain the relationship. To forgive and forget is not so easy we should realise that it would be to just forgive those who hurt usand to forget that they existed or try to forget and move past

Forgetting is accepting, you might not forget what that person did to you, but all you just need to do is to accept the fact that past is past and forget those hatreds in your heart.- unkown

[h=1]Sometimes in life you just have to let things go, forgive, love and move on! Life is to short and you never know when your time is up.[/h]