How to handle ILs who have insulted the DIL in the past

They are 4.5 and 6.5 years. The younger one never went to school till now (which is fine considering XYX country). The elder went for 1 year in India and when she moved to XYZ country 1.5 years back, she has not sent the daughter to school. She says she is homeschooling but kids haven't learnt anything so far.

Also says that she keeps everything in her home locked including fridge and kids have access only to their toys. She blamed me for not having an antiseptic house where everything is out of reach of her kids.

I am not against homeschooling but such kids need to be at par with their peers. I have met many homeschooled kids who are great at their studies and various extra-curricular things. Her H has regular fights wit her over this (none of my business).

A six and a half year old knowing only ABCD, counting from 1 to 20, names of 9 planets and appalling manners is lagging behind as per me. Don't know how she evaded school for her 6 yr old one in XYZ country where education is compulsory for all.

I was not concerned about her kids studies but the fact that they are going to stay at my home (being so much naughty and ill-mannered) alarms me. It is things bought from my hard earned money that they destructed and are going to do so when she comes back after 15 days :drowning. It is my peace that they are spoiling. Kids should be naughty but should also learn how to be well-mannered, polite and obedient at least some of the time (I know kids cannot be picture perfect all the time and will have their moments of bad behavior also. But all the time is too much)

 

I can only tell them to stop and they don't listen. Switching off bedroom light also had no effect on them as they just switched it back on. She never told them to stop. After they smeared my nail polish I just gently took out of their hands at which they started crying lying on the floor. At this she came running and said to me "My kids are crying because of you. Cant you give one nail polish to them". If they applied to their nails or asked me to apply to them I would have, but applying on all things and floor and wasting it is not justifiable to me.

It seems to me that she wants to drive me out of my own house (because she wants to stay here long term and now knows that I wont be a maid to her)

 

She is an abusive (physically) marriage. Her H is not going to paying for anything during her entire stay here. He clearly told my ILs "They (his wife and children) are eating all my money and not letting me rest after work also. If she wants to go to India, she can go but you have to bear all expenses for her tickets and entire stay".

I do not support him and his abusive behavior. Some of the child play I saw alarmed me - the little guy taking his belt and hitting his elder sister and other people with it. I told DH to stop him and DH also scolded the child like anything after taking the belt from him. This as per me is a clear manifestation of real abuse the father puts on mother.

But other misbehavior of her children are due to her over affection and her teaching them wrong things to say about me ("mommy told this is not your house. this is our house. you leave from here" or "mommy said you are a guest here" or "mommy says uncle will not live with aunty. he will stay with us here"). In addition she also misbehaved with me and performed cheap tricks, talks all the time.

I am fine with supporting her financially and emotionally during her stay in India. But I don't want this at the cost of my own marriage and her taking over my home with me only as a maid who also acts as an ATM.

Why doesn't she stay at her parent's house (newly constructed in another big city with 10 times space as ours) ? I am fine with sending her money to stay there comfortably (even though FIL earns Rs 1 lakh per month from pension and rentals/investments) with her visiting us occasionally.

I cannot bear all her cheap behavior and am leaving next week before she comes back here with my ILs.

 

She will not take divorce because of social stigma, husband being GOD for her and her being not working. I don't know what she is planning in long term. At present she wants to put up with us for indefinite number of years. In her parent's house she definitely has to help her mother with housework. Here she got me to serve everyone.