Need help with my wife's attitude.

Its not about a loving MIL Brevity. If thats the case, the case will be black and white. I'm sure there are adjustments needed from both sides, and DIL has to pick the battles. In this case the MIL neither sounds like a monster, nor sounds like an Angel, somewhere in the middle. In the middle cases, DIL just wishing for MIL to die, and treating as sworn enemy does not work. There needs to be a case for picking the battles, doing some adjustments, and also learning to deal with situations.

While people jump up and down when they hear this statement - it is very true that the DIL is expected (as a younger person) to make more adjustments (not all, but more) than an elderly person. That by itself is not a crazy ass thing, when other things are reasonably ok. Ofcourse the entire thing cannot be generalized and individual cases vary. But we are going by OP thread here.

This Real life. Not online life. Not something where you make far flung statements like want her to die, i will vanish etc etc. unless it is very horrible monster-in-law, which I dont think so. The qns the MIL asks about the kid are all not too uncommon, yes she can tone it down, and the OP himself has suggested that to MIL. Making mountain out of a hill (even if not molehill) is not wise.

Anyway, let the OP decide, dont want to waste more time on a thread.

PS:
AND ROFL @ goia pazham's "no substance" comment. Dear o dear.

 

Calling bluff comment in both cases should be taken on same level , either have outrage at both or agree with both . One should not get a pass while other causes outrage because of who is making it . Suicide threats could be real too.soem stubborn and stupid people will go to any length to get thier way.

who will decide who is genuine .. All go by what they feel by what is written by posters . I don't see monster in law here , more adjustment problems even though some posters are making it look like a life and death question for DIL .

Op explained he tries to reason with his mom and she reduced her actions which offends Dil . OP asked the wife to work , wife is not interested in working . If DIl is adamant for a seperate setup , she will find issue in everything even in MIL enquiring about her family , Here MIl helps her in household things but it looks controlling to DIl , I'm pretty sure if mil does not do anything then also DIL will say MIL is treating her as a slave and unpaid maid .

There is no escape unless all parties involved adjust to each other .

 

Its funny to hear about expecations from DILs and adjustments according to traditions. Traditionally,
We are not supposed to set foot on foreign soil.
Men are not supposed to cut their hair too. My grandfather had really long hair as a child. Though thankfully I have to say my grandad treated my grandma very well and had much more progressive ideas than the ones I am seeing here.
Child marriages were the norm. Getting married after a certain age was frowned upon.
Widow remarriages were not allowed.

If we can do away with so many traditions according to convenience or reform, the day is not too far when some more are changed. Nobody should truvialize somebody's sufferings unless they have experienced how it is. Maybe a few of our posters are lucky enough not to have faced such things and good for them , but dont judge others too hastily without empathy.

 

Define substance please..

do you mean home + cooking + shopping + some internet thrown in... means no substance ?? If that's the case what exactly is "substance" ??

Let me re iterate my view... living with ILs comes with whole load of pain.. but is neither "IMPOSSIBLE" nor unheard of in Indian community... it needs tact, maturity and assertiveness.

I have two elder sisters who never lived with In laws and can never relate to what I say .. but one of my sister's daughter lives with in laws and we kind of share views and crack jokes on joint family set up... both types do exist. It's just how you tune into the your surroundings.

I in the future may not be willing to latch on to my child when he grows up or never allow him to latch on to me. I may be more willing to live independently or in a home for senior citiznes ...but the idea has not completely sunk into our previous generation (ie my PIL and parents).

I may not love my ILs but I am committed to them.

I definitely support the views here that the OP's wife needs more support (medical and emotional) and attention from OP. But at the same time pushing OP towards a nuclear set up or encouraging his mother towards an indepdent living (which might be unheard of for her) is not fair either.

 

Keep it up Marigold... looks like you certainly don't have elephant sized problems on hand to deal with.

demostrate your love, affection and commitment more often ... you have to take much more effort if you insist on a joint family set up than a man in a nuclear family set up..
gear your self up and stay up to the speed. Do it consistantly and you will get used to it.

Co existence need not necessarily be a rocket sceince if right ingredients are found and used.

 

Hey Bro,

U say your mom is 65+...first thing is you have to speak to your mom and remind her she is 65+ now and should rest more, meditate more, watch sanskar, astha kinda channels more...Don't you think its time for your wife to take over kitchen/household responsibilities? I'm sure your wife will be more than happy to take care of your old mom if she stops showing her control over kitchen and other stuff. Your mom can always help whenever required.

Any woman will be happy to live in a joint family if she is let to do things her way and not expected to always follow rules made by others.

 

No offence to 1Sandhya or anyone else.. But I see lot of comments appreciating no open fights, talking back etc.. But I don't understand, why that is being appreciated.. If spoken directly, people will know their limits.. Moreover, why should one keep quite and nag the husband, when that can be handled directly.. What is the point in keeping quite?!
And what is this thing to do with the age? Age of a person doesn't command any respect, only the behaviour..

 

Why ??? Why ?? why ???

why this stereotyping ??

65 is just a number and Astha / Sanskar have nothing to do with this number.

She can very well watch fashion TV if she likes it..

 

Hi OP,

Most posters in this forum are striving to achieve equal respect for the man and woman in a relationship, and hence strongly advocate for it in all situations. Life is not fair, and in real life many women do not have that, and it is still considered OK by many, as long her basic needs are taken care of. So if you are one such person, a lot of advices may sound stupid or extreme. In that scenario it is upto you to take what is applicable, and helpful in your relationship. As you described, posters may mislead the OP, the same way a one-sided story by the OP may mislead posters, by blaming everyone else but themselves. In this forum people come in and spend their time giving advices, based on what they believe, and if I were asking for suggestions, I would go by what the majority says, and not pick the outlier who sides with me.

Glad that you have started going for your evening walks. Hope your issues resolve amicably. Good-luck!