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Why does inlaws behave differently with their DIL vs daughter

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sm123, Jun 18, 2015.

  1. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello wonderful ladies,

    I had my own share my of emotional torture from my Inlaws and also DH,even they didn't spare me when I was pregnant...As you all know,I am trying my best to move on,but yet there are things always lingering in my back of my head..May be though I am trying to forget them,but not able to forgive them,including my DH...

    Now that,My SIL is pregnant,when I observe my In-laws and DH treatment towards them,is making me think...when they do this much for their daughter or sister,why they behave differently when it comes to the DIL or DW...

    For ex,My DH was screamed or yelled(in fact all the way through my second pregnancy),just because I said,I am tired and could not do some stuff and SIL and MIL were like I dont do that and this(come on I was 8 months pregnant)...I was in tears like anything..SIL/MIL created so much of drama and MIL never used to give me food when I was pregnant or after preg when she came here to help me with the baby...DH knows all this..and yet he used to shout back at me...

    Now,fast forward...SIL is pregnant...when she was telling that she was having nausea..DH was like take care of you...drink that and this..and dont think about anything..as you are pregnant and you need to take care of yourself...i was like..Hello...what happened to all these dialogs when your own wife is pregnant...

    In-laws tells me that their daughter is tired with house work etc..and they keep telling her nice nice words,saying..take care and becoming mom is lucky etc etc,which are good..But why they used to torture me when I was pregnant..

    I am not trying to compare...but these kinds of incidents makes me feel so bad and will be depressed for sometime...I feel its so wrong and yet cant do anything...I know thats good is happening to SIL and I am happy for her..but this kind of partiality from DH and INlaws makes me feel bad...Any ideas on how to get over these feelings...

    Thanks.
     
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  2. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Friend,


    I feel your pain, such is life. inlaws promise during wedding that they will take care of us are there own daughters, few inlaws do a very good job but unfortunately we are the unlucky once in this part of life


    Your post resonated so much with my own pregnancy experience. I was not deprived of food by I was put into lot of emotional stress and I was kept away from my parents. During pregnancy as such we are so much emotional changes that I did not have energy or emotional strength to confront what they did to me. This scar will be left with me until my last breath.


    Coming to your point, "DIL vs Daughter behavior difference". Majority of the family treat daughter inlaw as outsider even decades after marriage. Lot of mothers have this protective feeling towards there sons and they have difficulty sharing son with DIL which causes them reacting rudely with DIL's. Also we are not there " blood" it is blatant truth of life which I have come to recognize now.


    In order to get over the feelings what I am trying to do is


    - concentrate on my little one and focus on bringing up the kid with right values so that they treat there future families right. Try to read them moral books and introduce them to the life of greats


    - concentrate on your health and your career or hobbies and try to learn more skills.


    - After the fact I discussed this with my husband and explained to him all my problems and he says this wont happen again. see if you can have open communication with your husband and resolve problems one by one.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband and in laws clearly do not love you.

    That is the only answer I could get from your above post.

    Now, it is impossible to love someone else (whoever it is) the same way you love your own child. So, in laws excess love for their own daughter is justified. But by any means, their lack of empathy or love for you is not justified.
    However, to avoid disapointments better not to expect so much from in laws. They are not our parents.
    Pregnancy at any stage is not a sickness unless there are some medical conditions. So, it is very much possible to take care of yourself though you are pregnant. Depending on someone to give food or do the basic care during or after pregnancy causes unwanted problems only.
    You can very well take care of yours and your kids' needs without depending on others.

    However, husband's role during and after pregnancy is really crucial. You seem to be a very unlucky woman to have a husband who cared nothing about his own child's birth journey.
    It is saddening to know that he wasn't excited about it, and he didn't care or advice you while you are carrying.

    However, his reactions to his sister's pregnancy seems normal, acceptable and reasonable only. So, don't compare or feel bad about it.

    Here, the problem is your un-loving husband, and your expectations towards in laws. The latter can be cleared by being self dependent. But for the former, you should analyze the root cause.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,don't expect your in laws to treat you like a daughter.
    Only your parents can treat you like a daughter.
    Your husband is a jerk. Any guy who doesn't care about his pregnant wife is a massive jerk.
    As for in laws who deny food and rest to a pregnant woman are just monsters and don't deserve to be in the life of the dil or the child in her womb since they don't care about either . They also don't deserve seva from this dil when they are vulnerable.

    Hugs to you Op.Find love in your kids ,your parents and friends.
     
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  5. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand ur feelings op maam. Please dont worry.
     
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  6. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You are inlaws are different from your parents . You parents must have pampered you during pregnancy and inlaws are pampering thier daughter.

    it is also ok for you husband to show affection to his sister .

    but it is NOT OK for your husband to treat pregnant wife badly . You have all the reasons to wonder why the behaviour was bad ? Do you get along with him well ? Does he care for you. ? Thes are the questions you need to ask yourself .
     
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  7. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    dear OP ..don't feel bad about your in laws not taking care of you same way as they do to their daughter. I'm yet to find any ILs who love and appreciate their DIL same as they do to their own son/daughter.

    But your hubby's behavior is not tolerable. Any man would like to take care of their wife when pregnant(if not for her, but for his kid inside her), even my hubby was so caring and protective to me when i was pregnant. I like to get pregnant again and again only for that reason. but your hubby really sounds like a jerk.

    I found it strange when you said your MIL/SIL didn't give you food when pregnant. Why do you rely on them for food ? why couldn't you go and get food or anything else you may need. don't expect anyone else to make you happy. Treat them good if they treat you right , if not don't give damn to them. Enjoy beautiful creature you created , your baby and try to ignore anything bad other think of you or say to you.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    To get over -

    From in-laws, remember it is not personal. They'd probably behave the same way to any woman who was their DIL.

    From DH - Ask him. Nicely. Without angst. Say it feels nice to see him talk to pregnant sister so lovingly. Gently mention you think those were missing when you were pregnant.

    Ask why, and then don't press for an answer. Eyes slightly downcast, looking at his shirt pocket (near the heart), your fingers twisting some thread or paper, or moving back and forth on the furniture or mouse trackpad in a steady pace, or with a thoughtful look at tired and now thankfully sleeping progeny.

    Ask and move away. With a moderately deep sigh. Not so deep as to blow away dust from furniture top.

    And also, as you brood over it between now and SIL's delivery :) remember he is talking to them over the phone, and such things have to be said. What else will he say? Cut him some slack...

    And - give it back in phone calls. Gently, oh so gently, oh so casually, refer back to corresponding weeks or months from your own pregnancies. Just a hint... 'I used to be so hungry, I could have eaten a house!' followed by a pregnant :) pause that echoes across the oceans and in your own house with DH around.

    If none of suggestions from thread work - just go for a third child, and play it by your rules this time. :)

    *I used to be so hungry, I could have eaten a house!'
    Don't translate that literally into an Indian language. Let there be some loss in this translation. :)
     
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  9. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Regarding In-laws. Just ignore them. That's how it will be. They can NEVER be our mothers, and we can NEVER be their daughters.

    What concerns me is your husband. How are things otherwise..if everything else is going well and he shows his love to you in other ways...maybe he is just not expressing it right. Men cannot express...at least most of them. But I hope he really cared for you in other ways during your pregnancy
     
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  10. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    Your DH has been barbaric with you.
    However even if you try to taunt him with what he did to you...he is only going to yell back at you to hide his guilt.
    You can rather mention in a subtle way...on the flow..not expecting his response.. Just say.. How you felt when you were pregnant and walk away...quoting his sister's experience..
    Really disgusting.. How these men and ILs treat a pregnant women.
     
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