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To live with husband or not

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Zaini, Jun 14, 2015.

  1. Zaini

    Zaini Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Its my first time so i hope i get this right.

    I've been married to my husband for over a year now. mine was an arranged marriage, him being a non-blood relative of my mom's.

    Ive been bought up in UAE and had to move to india to stay with my husband.

    My problem is that, DH lied to my parents and me before our wedding about his financial status. He lied about his salary and did not mention that he had to take a loan to finance the wedding.
    If my parents had been told they would re-think the wedding as it is the parents right to want their daughter to be married to someone who is financially well off.
    It is only a few months after i got married that i found out.

    I was a working woman before i got married and by Allah's grace earned well enough to support me and help my parents off a bit. I am their only child so i take it that they are my responsibility. Who else have they got? it may not be right traditionally but morally i feel it my right to look after them.

    When i spoke to my DH before our marriage i told him of my views and he readily agreed and told me i can support them if i want to. but after i got married he told me i was not to work in india as his relatives would not like it. But he promised me that he would look for a job overseas and there i could start working. he said as soon as his sister got married, he would move. But his sister does not want to get married yet. She wants 3 to 4 years more.

    If this was the case, why wasnt he clear about it before he got married. he backed off on all the promises he made. he cannot expect me to sit still and wait while doing nothing. It a waste of my precious time. i am in the midst of building a career. Also, his mother has mentioned time and again that she has no plans of letting her son move away as he is her only son and he has to stay there and take care of her. She wont leave her relatives and move out.

    I would have still managed if he was earning enough to support me but he is unable to fulfill my basic needs such as sanitary pads or shampoo. He wouldn't even give me 500 rupees a month. if he does, he will ask for it back. Being financially independent since i left school. i had trouble digesting this.
    Also, i am already 27 years old. In a year or two i wanted to have children, isnt that what a woman wants? but he says he does not want to have children until his sister marries and like i mentioned before, its not until 4 years at least. She wants to "build a career". Also, he cant afford a baby on his salary right now.

    WHY DID HE MARRY IF HE CANNOT AFFORD A WIFE OR KIDS??? he never answers.

    So when i came to UAE to meet my parents this time around i looked for a job and got one. I didnt start working yet but im so tempted. i spoke to him and asked him if he wants to move here. maybe a plan soon but he wont give a straight answer.

    They want me to go back but i dont want to go back to that life. All they want me for is to take care of them. I dont mind, but there is more to me than that.

    I would be thankful for any advice.
     
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  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    It's your decision. We strangers can only advice but you have to face the consequences of your actions.
    what do your parents say will you have their support in your decision.
    here is my two cents
    you getting the job even after a year break shows you are qualified in what you do.
    go for it. Get the job and see how things go. At any cost don't agree to pay for your h's debts or to his air tickets to join you in uae
    let him work for it he wants a life with you.
     
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  3. Zaini

    Zaini Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the advice ars. :)

    I am just looking for some unbiased and non-judgmental advice. just so i can be clear about what im doing.

    Earlier on i didnt tell my parents about DH's financial situation, they are old and this kind of tension will affect their health. But they caught on soon, and i had to confess. They want him to move here too. or anywhere else for that matter, as long as he earns well and keeps me well. in this situation however, my papa wants me to stay and wait for him to come. if i were to go back, its the same story again. He wants me to work to if it helps. But mom is like mothers are and worries that this will lead to a separation.
     
  4. hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    You did the right thing. Think no more. Let him know exactly what you expect. Dont fall for any upcoming emotional blackmail. Continue your work and negotiate at your terms.
     
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  5. rtramteke

    rtramteke Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Zaini,
    I support the decision taken by you. In the given circumstances, that is the best thing to do. If you want to support your parents and ur DH both, then you have to build ur career and for that this is the right time to get back to work. If you let go some more time it will be difficult for you to get right kind of job and as you mentioned I do not think your DH or in-laws will help u in future if u r not financially independent. So face the situation and stick to your decision, whatever may be consequences. It will take some time for ur DH and ur in-laws to realise this (provided they are good people), so thank the GOD and enjoy ur LIFE.
     
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  6. Merushilpa

    Merushilpa Senior IL'ite

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    Hi
    Most of the men get married without any purpose or love just to fulfill family and so called relatives wishes.Take decision after consulting your parents and close friends.All that I as a stranger can say from facts you gave nobody in your hubby family will ever change to your feelings.when u cant fulfill your basic needs then how can u take care of child?Be practical.Follow your intuition.Think from a calm mind as this your life changing decision.
     
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  7. Tryinghard2013

    Tryinghard2013 Silver IL'ite

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    I think your husband and inlaws kept you in the dark so that you do accept the proposal. Plus your hubby agreed to certain terms but later added further conditions.You should join your work because your life will Atleast be free of financial hardships and not depend on him for even the basic needs. I uderstand your wish for a child but in these circumstances where your Husband cannot afford your basic needs, getting a child will only add to your physical and financial needs.
     
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  8. Zaini

    Zaini Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the replies.

    The part about the child is so true. I know he cant afford a child now. And that is why i want him to look for a better job.
    But him wanting me to wait for years is not pratical. Its like a full stop on both my personal and professional life.
    This is why i want to stay here. At least i can take care of my needs and also help my parents out.
    And me being here might motivate him to come over.
     
  9. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Your Husband lied to you. Went back on all the promises. Does not earn enough and does not seem to have the motivation to earn enough. Forget love. My question is do you respect and admire him for anything at all?

    So what do you wish to do? All parents want their children to be happy. Many Indian parents do not want their child to be separated come what may. They want the child, especially daughter, to stay on and make the most of their marriage. as much love as they have for the children their view might not be of much use, given that one can't really love by the social mores he parents would like kids to abide by.

    I would say that your father is right here. Make sure that you use his support to build your career and coax your husband to come to you. That is if you Strongly believe going back to India is a dead end for you(it does sound like one)

    Is there anything at all that you liked about the marriage that makes you want to go back? If there wasn't anything until now I doubt there is going to be anything if you go back now. So stay on girl. Stay strong. Build your career. Maintain your self-respect. Let your husband earn your trust. He does have lots to make up for...
     
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  10. msindu

    msindu Bronze IL'ite

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    Make sure no kids until he is settled and clears loans. Otherwise you will have difficulty providing good and comfort life for kids as you might have to take time off when they are young. you start working and secure yourself first. I have seen plenty of women from middle east developing career first and having children even at 35 yrs without problem because of good medical facilities there.
     

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